Self-Love

I am living alone for some time. There were times I shared a place with a colleague, it was easy at first until I would realize that we were living in an unfair world.  Efforts were never counted but the story was always reversed, like, I was given so much favor and I was ungrateful especially when I decided to move out, the discomfort dislodged their cloaks and true colors were revealed.

When I started living a path of spirituality, I learned to let go of things and people that threatens my sense of peace. Those people who labeled themselves as my friends yet they take so much. I was so oblivious before or never had a counter of the things I have done yet when I realized I was in the losing end, shortchanged, maligned, I let go. I turned my back and never explained myself. What entailed were stories of different kinds, bottomline, I was the bad guy and them? Always the victim and the good guys. If they were, the world is a better place to live in. They could have made me stay. But I didn't because they showed me there were people who would always take advantage, that when I grew fangs and fought back, I was the deviant. The fall guy. Someone who people should avoid.  Why? It's not because I was bad, it was because they couldn't take me walking alone while they keep their parade and charade and follow the lead of someone who was weaker than them.

The awakening phase was no walk in the park. I was betrayed a few times yet again and again I clung to some people until I learned to stand on my own. The test was to love myself more and never to please anyone rather than myself. Was it selfishness? No! I just learned to love myself more than how I was taught based on society's standard. I turned my back from a marriage which caged me for some time with so much toxicity and with a boy who has no back bone, how could I call him a man then? There were people who casted fire which burnt them in the process, I escaped and that was the start of my journey. Looking back, there were previous eerie signs yet I overlooked, thinking I had to please a group of people who would applaud my selflessness. Such cowardice and self-defeating behavior.

I don't take bullshit anymore. I don't care if people like me as long as I know I am not doing anything wrong based on my standard of what is right and wrong not from what is the norm.

I will always prioritize my own happiness rather than sacrifice and mope whenever I'm betrayed. I am no slave to anybody but I know what love is and I love fiercely.

I was never afraid of change. I can let go of things so easily and I do not cling on to anything. I disposed those stuff I once loved and never regret the decisions I made. I moved from place to place and I am happy for being unknown. I am always grateful for the experiences. I have let go a big company which was my safeguard for 11 years because I was not happy anymore. I left the place which helped me grew my backbone stronger. I've known people who I exchanged wisdom with but their advice were as good as their opinions because I have my own.

I started my early years of labeled life with so many "friends", Facebook friends, I was gullible, I gave almost my entirety to people I once called friends, I wanted to belong, to be famous tailing a group of people, I talked much because I want my voice to be heard until I chose those circumstances which led me finding my own peace in solitude.

I am a work in progress. I love how everything fits and I live in the mantra of 'this too shall pass'. 

I live on my own terms not on anybody's approval. I know what ego is. I don't have any religious affiliations but I know there is that Sovereign Being. I call my God my God. I know what love is. I have friends, a few, who love me unconditionally. The promise of abundance is within my grasp. I have a daughter who adores me. I have family who supports me. I have the best man I never imagined to love me as much as I love him.

And who knows, everything is just a product of consciousness.

How Can I Not Love You That Much?

When loving you means pricking those tiny veins and just that, those short sparks ignite a fire in my nerves, in my whole being. Those unexplainable words I almost lost the grasp each passing moment. Like I just have to resort to diversion in order for me not to drown in the depth of how I feel towards you. That I always believed I am capable of loving one person this big but the truth blew me away, away to where fantasy becomes so real, I don't wanna return to the physical world.

How can I not love someone like you? How can I deny the whole anatomy of my heart to beat for you when you showed me how yours bleeds for me? When you finally succumbed to the fullness of your capacity to love and you are willing to surrender even the simpliest yes or no. Like, you showed me the epitome of love. Sacrifice. The oneness. The simply being in love.

How the world brought you to my life? What was that magnetic force that pulled you which you effortlessly danced with. Like, really? Probably, it was just time for rendezvous.

How can I say no to the invitation of forever?  To try the roller coaster ride of what real love is? To just keep holding the reins and never let go, even for a nanosecond?

How can I not love you then?

How can I defy the gravity that keeps on pulling me? With eyes so kind and almost in adoration of me, almost. You can tell me otherwise.

How?

When loving you now is like breathing fresh air and undertaking detox. My mornings are scented with dews of an awesome evening with smooches and neverending promises of orgasms and cuddles. How then can I say no to a man who swallows his pride whenever I lost touch of reality during my ovulation and monthly periods? How?

When love taught you how to read long prose even you are not into reading because I write. When love requires you to write in response to my long cryptic love letters albeit you didn't write previously. When you have to read articles and books because I speak of them frequently and you just wanted to equate my thinking and reasons.

How then can I just let you go when you have already mandated infinity for us? How can one man be so into me even those stuff I do were not your usuals which became your rituals to check and like and be the best person and #1 fanatic of my literary prowess and dreams?

How?

And how can I turn my back from the one man who accepted my whole even if I looked at myself broken at times?

I just don't believe you love me because I know you love me.

I know that kind of love.

I just know.

When I am still a work in progress and in my awakening stage tracking the path to enlightenment, yet I know, deep in my soul that I found my twin flame. How, then, can I not reciprocate your love?

My inner silly girl will be in awe of you because you didn't just say you love me, you showed me what true love is all about. You tell me now, how can I not love you that much?

Better You

You might have shared a chapter or two of your life to some people and they tend to bloat it up, like, they know everything about you. Some don't realize it that those facts they carry with them about you were already your past or their judgments. Some keep holding on to those characters they knew 3-5-10-15-20 years ago. They continue with their lives but their leashes are still tied tightly in the past. They live in nostalgia and continue to put blame on you for the faults you've done several years back. They will never understand the light in your eyes and they will continue gnawing on the idea that they know you too well. This is where their lives evolved in. And when they get the chance to talk about you, they will talk about your college life, your dormitory life, your early 20s life or your 3 years ago life. Sad that you have to close their chapters and chuckle, they don't know you anymore. 

As much as you want to rehash some stories about your past, it sounds absurd already because you are facing a beautiful now, not even better days ahead of you but now. 

You tend to live consciously with what's happening in the present rather than be locked up with your past life. It's not escaping what others think of reality because it's theirs not yours. It's their choice to stay in their holding moments and dance in the tune of Butter Cup. There are some people who get drunk with so much nostalgia and have their present moment slipped away. Yes, just like that.

You came to the point of no return but keep moving forward. Peter Pan never wanted to grow up because he didn't want complications of growing old but he neglected to understand, he has to grow up not just grow old. And there are a lot of us who live to count their ages and blow candles each adding year to the number they believed as counter to their prime years. Just keep the pace and smile in every turn you take and smell the flowers and enjoy the streak of sunlight on your hair. 

You have come a long way and those who keep on pulling you back to the path you had been are those who live within their comfort zone, whether it's painful or party like, it will always be their decision to bathe on those pleasures. You? Continue changing for the better you, not bound to any rule. As long as you do not step on anybody to make yourself appear taller, go on and rule your world! They who dare say you are a deviant are those who live within what is normal and are afraid of what others have to say about them. 

Who you are yesterday is already your past hence you don't have to conforme with the expectations of your college friends or childhood friends or call them acquaintances. If they cannot accept how you live your life now, it's not your problem anymore, continue challenging your everyday to be better until you attain that best version of who you are.

GOODBYE BULLIES

I was a victim of bullying.

Have you ever experienced being humiliated by someone? Made fun in front of your classmates or friends? Or maybe, you hid inside a cubicle of the comfort room in fear of some people because they distress you or causes you an unexplainable discomfort? Or probably, you refused to go to school because you were threatened by someone to face his mother if you won't pay the amount you owe him which in truth he bought snacks for you in order to get your attention? Or... and the list is endless. Bottom line, there are different forms of bullying and we may think this only happens in school, well, think again. it happens everywhere and age is never a boundary.

On the streets. Catcalling is one form of harassment and it is bullying. Sometimes, men who are fond of doing catcalls, interpret their actions as something they are giving compliments, or appreciative of a woman's body. Maybe, some women would love that and take it as something like a stress-relief or they would feel desirable. But hell, no! Most men do that with one reason in mind, to get weak women's attention, or, expecting a springboard  which  will encourage them to fornicate or at least they could fantasize; Or, getting laid. But being one of those women who gets harassed with catcalling, I am blowing my whistle, that is bullying! I realized, most men to this with several reasons.

1) Catcallers cover up their mediocrity by inflating their egos especially if some friends are around

2) Usually from some constructions workers when they see women crossing the street

3) Those who are unemployed and deal with their nagging wives, they tend to make up wounded egos through bullying others especially women. Yes go back to item  #1

In the community. We have neighbors that tend to spread malicious rumors about us. One wrong information and it spreads like wildfire with so much spices and garnish on top and the panderer washes her hands once the table is turned and there will be confrontations. Bad news, even if we settle the issue, people will keep talking because a lot are hungry of other people's miseries to cover up their own. Our slanderer neighbors are also a member of the bully organization they have not signed up for yet but they are honorary members. Some reason bullies in the community exist:

1) They live a miserable life and tend to hover over neighbors and be glad if you mirror their hellish life because that way, they will have scapegoats expecting to hide their own

2) You possess a life they want which they will never have, the worst they can do is to put stain on your name and hope others will not find you interesting and if people show desire to come near you, these bullies have prepared stories to tell with smeared and dents to your immaculacy

3) They will try to uncover your secrets inorder to hide their own, see #1

In our home. Some of bullies wear identical rings like ours. They are people we got married to. We promised to be with in sickness and in health, till death.. No! No! Some of these people have either Oedipus or Electra complex, they are those who prefer their parents over you as a partner or allow their parents to malign you at home. Who doesn't want to leave their home and build your own but rather to stay and breastfed by their moms. (Just Kidding!) But near to that effect. When you try convincing your partner, the parents will fabricate stories about you and before you know it, the neighbors knew already, churchmates prayed for you during one of their prayer meetings, colleagues of your in-laws have heard about it and when you get to meet them, they have that funny looks on their faces. And all those times, your partner kept mum about it or maybe, applauding your torment. And when you aired your emotions, he started his homily on a mid-week until your ears bled, your heart pounded with heartache and your feet were on fire you want to kick him straight to his face and yes! Yes! He even quote verses from the bible about marriage. Not all bullies love battery, some of them hide under the name of their religion but we cannot deny the fact that some men get their strength from turning skin tone to black and blue and they are the same bullies on the streets.

In the organization. Is this familiar? Yes! A lot of us may complain about the company we belong and the next question is, what keeps you there? Why the hell do you need to suffer? Or is it because the compensation is good, you cannot let go? Or you were made to believe, it is the best organization you've got? Or you think there is no life beyond this point? Or should I say, your superior tells you, you're no good? That no other company will accept you because you are not good enough? I will be taking a turn, do you have bosses who threatened you not to sign up your allowances if you don't give in to what he's asking from you, which is unethical? Or you need to deliver this much before he allows your leave? Or did he ever ask you why are you still in the organization when you are not hitting your target anymore? Like, how good you were before was not even in the history? Sad! Truth is, wherever we belong, we have varying perspective. We know our rights and we can always exercise legalities. If you think you are being debased, elevate your concern to individuals who only look after employees welfare. Few things why bullying in the organization exist:

1) Bullies are once bullied

2) Napoleon Bonaparte syndrome

3) Power gets to their pea brains 

4) Fly landing on a carabao's horn assumes he's bigger than it's host

5) They never have their own voices in the organization because see #1

In the workplace. And this is where my story starts. When I thought that people are all good. That I looked at them as pure souls and fair individuals. I was new in my area of assignments. I didn't know anyone except those people who were in my company. I felt the animosity from others at first as I questioned why? I tried telling myself probably because I was new, but I ignored the thought  since my goal was to get acquainted with my customers, not them who were like me, mere employees and who were at the rat-race. As days went by, the psychological need to belong and the theory of belongingness by Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary was tested and yes, I took off my shield and tried fitting the circle of those people who called themselves, seniors! And of course, as my ego had put it, I am a senior in my field. I have gained this and that and so I fit in! I belong! Or so I thought!

Yes at first! When those people were trying to test the water. Am I deep or someone who lacks depth? Am I an empty drum or someone who could highlight the size of their brain? I was successful of getting in. I got involved with their other profession, gossip monger. Like you have to sit there for hours waiting for the next client and out of nothing else to talk about, (most of them don't read) so they talk about exciting topic! TADAA!!! People! Worse, people we know. Worst, people who were just a floor away from us or those who were not around.

Have you felt a sense of relief when you are one of those people? Like it's so comfortable to speak the same language. You conformed with their standards. Like, you think your back is covered because you are part of the squad?

WROOOONG!

Something had gone amiss. It seems, sugar was poured in the mixture instead of salt. Oil to water. A pain in somebody's neck. Yes, I was doomed!

It was really a fire in the hole! It was a mess. Somebody spread a malicious story twisted and edited and yet this person believed the messenger. Worse, I was informed but I wasn't given airtime to tell my story. I was even insulted and offended. Worst, the story spread, just like what happened to community rumors, like wildfire. The messenger was secluded and was never mentioned after-which. The offended was on his defenses and embraced the role of the victim and delivered juicy scuttle-butts. The usual floor become silent when I passed by. And then people started avoiding me. I knew there were stories but I never heard one. I wanted to defend myself but I didn't know where to start. People looked at me in a funny way, with smirks on their faces. Some talked to me though but it was either short or just a second thought and they, too, checked their backs. Then, I knew, I never had friends, why? Because no one defended me in my absence.

Walls have ears and news have wings. People heard the stories. Someone was so concerned that she told me tales that were passed around. It was humiliating. I wanted to talk to some people but I saw them with gavels with them, they only lacked the gown and they would resemble judges parading with their spectacles and microscopes. Was I afraid? Yes! I never thought I would be able to survive that apocalypse. For those months I was at their scrutiny, they talked about the way I dress up, my figure, brands I used, my face,  finances, my kid, my defunct friendship with people they don't even know, my previous life in Manila--which also they didn't hear about except for two lines from one chapter of my life story, how i dealt with relationships, and the list was long. The funny thing was, assistants in the area heard about the stories and who knows how they used that, those who didn't even know me, or talk to me, or who know me by name and that's it. There were even posts on social media, with customized settings, probably, to hide the posts from their clients who also happened to be mine, because, somehow that would show what kind of blabbermouth they are. Yes, the bully created an army, she had allies. 

There was no rebuttal during the catastrophe. I didn't argue. Not even to clear my name. I feared going out and go to the location where I knew bullies flock together. They were mean people who talked so loud or laughed in unison just to let me know there were plenty of them. And yes, they have delivered their message across, I feared their numbers. I worked even on weekends just to cover up those times I missed to call a customer on weekdays. I even deviated my itinerary just to avoid the herd which seemed to follow through one another. I even memorized their car plate numbers just to stay away from them. My heartbeats weren't normal whenever I saw them and that person in particular. But all stories ends and ours did.

Yes there was forgiveness but how could one forget such a traumatizing event that consumed me for 6 months. 

All aspects of my life suffered tremendously. My attention was called during a business review. I was doing my usual work but I wasn't doing the extra mile. Emotionally, professionally, financially, mentally.. Name it!

And then I thought everything was okay, but there were people who were not happy to how things turned out. How could they? They have contributed one or two story lines that made the whole novel. The stories were rehashed but the table was turned this time, The topics were the stories my bully had spread. There was even this story, one time one person wasn't around and my bully sent a lengthy personal message to this particular person's messenger, telling lies covered with lies and lies. And so, my ego was stirred, again. My bad! I should have avoided re-associating with anybody. Worse, I learned who the messenger was. Worst, she, she was a narcissist. A new height to psychology which is commonly portrayed by bullies. 

That was the last part of their story in my life and then I let go. I became civil, even if,  my knees still turns goo whenever I see them.

Why am I telling this? This is history. Why do I need to rehash the story altogether? One thing, bullying doesn't only take place in school or with students, this happens everywhere. I wasn't that strong, but circumstances made me the toughest person now. I even questioned my sanity before, why did I allow someone to bully me around? To give these people the power over me? I even asked God why does a blustering browbeating person exist?

How about if a victim didn't recover? How about if depression crept in? How about if necessary measures were made and there was a report on behavior? Or a civil case was filed? How can person face her son/daughter when her child asks her, what is bully? Who are gossip monger? Or what if your child asks you, "Can you earn income from backstabbing?"

I am not from that place, I lived in that location alone due to work assignment, my family was not with me and I got to see my daughter once a month, my significant other is far. Whereas, disparingly, my bully is from that place. She works in that location and she's a locale. Her family is with her, she gets to hold her child every chance she gets. Her significant other is with her. Why did she have to be so mean? Or is it because there are really those who are habitually cruel to others who they thought are weaker? Or.. you tell me.

My only weapon, I can write. And I am sharing my story because I feel obligated to impart this incident for five (5) reasons:

1) To let weakling know that bullies feel strong because they think they have allies

2) Avoid this kind of people because if you appear lame, you are the best person to feed their superiority 

3) They disintegrate when they are ignored

4) If it's disturbing your peace, do not hesitate to take a detour and cut lines from happiness vampires

5) Buy books and bury yourself during idle time rather than get associated with this kind of people 

I am still grateful for everything. For all the challenges because they were mere instruments to my circumstances and here are the lessons I learned from 3 years of living alone with bullies in my periphery.

1) What won't kill you, will make stronger.

2) Reputation is what people know about you and how you display your labels, character is who you are when nobody's watching

3) It's okey to walk alone, you don't have to please anybody

4) Always remember who you are and noone will tell you who you should be

5) Believe that God keeps challenging you to grow

6) This too shall pass

7) Keep moving forward

8) Always be grateful

9) It costs nothing to be a decent human being

10) Be kind

 Wrapping up, do not allow bullies run your life. We cannot control what's happening around us but we are always responsible to how we react to stimuli. God provides the circumstances for us to grow and be enlightened but it is always up to us how we respond to every challenge.

I am not proud but I was a victim of bullying and I denied their power over me when I started loving myself more.

LIMITLESS

As a new beginning unfolds, I am fully geared up once more and fearlessly facing the unknown. I made a big decision which will really change the whole course of my life. It isn't easy but I know deep down, I am heading to where I should be.

I was confronted by a fork road several times. Given to choose from a red or a blue pill. I was tossed in hot water, once or twice. I was burned to third degree but those circumstances strengthened my armor some more. It was like standing with a sling but I was able to use a crane kick flawlessly and freed myself from the hold of a laughing vulture. Or, it was like passing through the process of sword making. I was cut and shaped through a forge and hammered to shape. I decided on my own, believed I knew what I was doing yet my insides were weak and gullible. I was always pushed around which I had allowed. I was hammered and heated, repeatedly. Until I came out sharp and deals with the world in a double edged sword, I can be both sagacious and reserved.

Throughout several circumstances that came my way for the past 4 years of my adult life, I learned and relearned that you should love yourself first and that would always, always entail self-respect.

I was always given options yet instead of tracking the right path, I went left. Taking a blue pill rather than the red and it has been a waze kind of tour. Whenever the app gives you the highlighted route you take another but waze follows through and provides another option or two, yet it's always up to us if we want to rely on the app or treat it as a background noise instead. It will always be up to you, up to us!

I tried fabricating relationship with strangers, although not all but most often than not, relationship starts with people who we didn't know before and then the getting to know takes place, the going intimate, the settling of differences, the going to comfortable stage, and then flows to- too much familiarity and then contempt! Yes, friendship! It's where you put too much secrets openly and everybody devoured like hungry hippos, felt lucky to know you at first until they see you as threat. As someone who walks their dreams or a reflection of what they want and the crack starts. At first it may appear as harmless talk, behind your back, and then it becomes a tirade of malice. And the lashing of backs, and worst, character assassination just because they couldn't reach the bar you have raised for yourself. I learned to forgive, once, twice until I finally closed the store for business. No more, gullibility. No more forgive and forget and then waltz to a dangerous pattern of predator prey relationship again. 

Similarly, it's how you treat yourself to a romantic linkage. How you handle and act towards someone's offering of relationship. At times, you interpret things the way how you want things to end, your fairytale, your happily ever after. But oftentimes, it's your desires that led you to weave out fantasy. Bottomline, you need to be more forgiving with the shortcomings one human being is capable of committing, always, if you intend to build a relationship with a strong foundation. Noone is perfect, if you are looking for a perfect partnership, two imperfect beings will make it flawed. Look at yourself in the mirror, stare at your irises, tell the reflection it is perfectly alright to take off the sheild at times. Happiness is innate, find that peace within and you will exude and radiate that joy, that bliss. Love yourself first and you will receive the love you really deserve, not mediocre, not the after-thought kind of thing. 

Among those lessons and the line up of some more challenges, I am more equipped to deal with the unknown. Usually, the only barrier that strikes is the personality differences. It's up to you if you want your ego bruised or you intend to sear someone else's.

I jumped ship already. It had been 11 years of my life and I knew it's not easy to start anew but I am not afraid. Wayne Dyer said in his 1st book, The Erroneous Zones, "it is not easy to think in new ways. You are accustomed to a certain set of thoughts and debilitating thought that follow. It requires a great deal of work to unlearn all the habits of thought you have assimilated until now. Happiness is easy, but learning not to be unhappy can be difficult." True! We created our habit and our minds were wired to do stuff we are used to. We stick to our comfort zone because that is the easiest. We fear stepping on an unfamiliar territory. But why don't we try this concept, "think back to the time you were learning to drive a stick shift automobile. You were faced with what seemed to be an insurmountable problem. Three pedals but only two feet to make them work." And look! I wasn't borne to a family who has 4-wheels yet I am an experienced driver now. Not an expert but someone I am proud to have become. And yes, I changed my gears, I left the job I was so familiar with. It wasn't easy tendering a resignation but I need to grow. I've grown my backbone and I need to expand my horizon. There's no age limit when it comes to dreaming big. And yes, I learned so much and as I look back, I've gone this far and I am not halting any minute. I learned to slow down but I don't want to stop. There are a lot of things to learn, while the mind is able.

Whatever the situation maybe, think of the busina principle. I was seated at the back and I heard my boyfriend cathechized his friend, who was driving that time, regarding wrong use of car horn, one vehicle cut us from the traffic line, it was swift but our driver blew his horn, as if he could do something about it, I sensed the loud beep was due to his annoyance, and the conversation ran this way: "You shouldn't blow your horn if you have already allowed the car to cut through, useless! Next time, if somebody wants to break the line, don't let him,  you save yourself from getting pissed off and the effort to blow your horn."  

From then on I tried living with the concept.

Some of us are fond of complaining especially about our relationship, family situation and work. With relationship, if it has been habitually draining, and there's chronic pain with the way your relationship works, then get out! If you plan to stay, stop blowing your horn, it becomes nuisance. You think, everybody cares? No!

With family situation, we tend to bring our pain outside of our residence and what does that make us? If it is something permanent, deal with it with maturity. 3 things, accept, let go of pain and move forward. If you make a habit of complaining, aside from disturbing your friends, you are depriving yourself of that peace you deserve. Why not try to control your mind from being antagonized by anything. Look at things as is and do not take everything personally? Stop blowing your horn if it's something you cannot change. Acceptance is the key and everything will fit to what you want for so long. Refrain from complaining for 24 hours and see the difference.

With work, a lot of us moan about policies, about regulations and about the culture in our company and yet, look at you! You are still working with the corporation while gritting your teeth. Do yourself a favor, get out! If you think the company does not contribute to you as a person or to your family's income, by all mean, leave. But while you stay, and you put food on your table from what you earn from your organization, I guess you are obligated to work. To push some more and the company has all the right to stretch you so much more until everything is extracted. That's the reality. We tend to complain about our bosses, about the rules, about everything, but have you asked yourself, how much work have you given to the company? Love your job and be grateful you have one! The company will stand, with or without you onboard. Employees are all dispensable individuals and we are as good as what we have delivered previous year. Current year is your current performance and past is past. Why? Because there will always be people who will be gladly to take your post, and circumstances may vary, but who knows, it's their time to shine!

That's the whole point why I let go of the rein. 

I lived in my comfort zone for some time. I was always prompted with 2 choices and I always picked the one with so much advantage or so I thought because I didn't want discomfort. Now that I am facing two straight roadbeds, I preferred none. I am looking at the roadless route because I know, with all honesty, I can always create the path of my own. Uncompromised and beaming with so much possibilities.

Love a Boy

Love a boy who never gets tired of looking at you and telling you how your mere presence makes him feel.

Love a boy who stows away the phone when you're together and let the time slip away.

Love a boy who writes love notes and is never ashamed to express how he feels.

Love a boy who sings you love song even if his voice cracks and he has his own lyrics.

Love a boy who refrains from looking at other girls when you're together.

Love a boy who holds your hands and never lets go even if he sees his friends or yours.

Love a boy who never allows you to pay for your meals, it's either he pays the whole or you pay separate bills.

Love a boy who knows what interests you and buys you gift even if there's no occassion.

Love a boy who calls and messages you whenever he can, busy is just in the dictionary and never his alibi.

Love a boy who says 'i love you' even if you argue.

Love a boy who respects his mother, aunt, grandmother, sisters and nieces. You are assured he respects women.

Love a boy who listens and looks you in the eyes.

Love a boy who tells you, you are beautiful even if you just woke up.

Love a boy who kisses your forehead and temple and smells your hair.

Love a boy who wants to look his best and checks his health.

Love a boy who opens the door for you and let you walk in first.

Love a boy who loves to see you laugh.

Love a boy who prays with you.

Love a boy who desires to grow with you spiritually.

That way, you'll know, you found a boy who knows what real love is.

Love in Nudity

Who would have thought that love would find me? I never was afraid to fall inlove but I longed for true love eversince. I had wrong turns but I knew every deadend had a crevice where I could creep in. I was not afraid of closed areas. I cringed with heights but I have always pushed myself a notch higher. What didn't kill me, made me stronger. 

I fell in love with romantic comedies. I appreciated flowers, butterflies and bees. I cried over friends who appeared so sincere and caring. I easily sympathized with persevering less fortunates. My heart was comprised of soft spots and it was broken so many times. Expectations always led to disappointments and then frustrations but my heart was always willing to try. To trust. To love again. Not necessarily romantically but I knew I always gave a portion of me whenever I gave my time to someone. To anybody. Unprejudiced. 

I believed in forever and I know, I've always known, I would get there.

Until my one day came. That day when finally my heart somersaulted and maintained its upside down state while jumping on one palm stand. Love is a choice. Happiness is innate. I was happy. I was complete but I choose to be happier. I fell hard. Love found me, at last! When I thought contentment was my nametag. 

It feels so good to belong to someone else. To lower down my defenses and to see how weak my edges are. How imperfect the whole of me. 

It's good to have someone leading me the familiar way, I looked at it in a different perspective. To hold my hand with intertwining fingers.  To accept my frailties and to let me know I am the perfect defect. To say those familiar words yet they seemed so foreign, they're enchanting. 

It's good to have someone who claim me as his own. I belong to noone but I don't mind the labeling now and I gave authority to this person to hold me captive in infinity. 

Love never promised of all milk and honey but love is always fair. 1 Cor 13: 4-13. The verses were all words before. They were all concepts. But if you truly discern the reality of the promises, all aspects are true. 

I can't say, I won't go through hurdles but I can choose stumbling blocks I will deal with. 

Love found me when I was already 35. Experienced enough to be fooled again. Wiser enough to be lured once more. But there was the sweet calling of the crossing wind. It was like a vocation I once felt when I was 18 which I assumed as walking the convent's shadowed cloister but worldly noise prevented me to. I tasted bitterness of the bottle and sniffed the clouds of lit cigars. The world offered so much distractions I innocently succumbed with open arms. Lessons. Plenty of those. I counted back the teachings I learned from every rise and fall. Those geared me to look love in the eyes, and I knew, it finally found me in nudity. 

It feels good to be babied. To cling on to someone even if some may call it, teenish. Love is ageless. 

It feels good to be spoon fed in restaurants or infront of some significant people. 

It feels good to be protected while crossing the street. Like Magneto is there to rise his hand and manipulate all metals that posted threats. 

It feels good to be asked if I want something even if I just looked at the window in oblivion. 

It feels good to be cared about even if I didn't ask anything.

It feels good to look at him in adoration and feel my heart jump for joy.

It feels good to lay my head on his chest and listen to the sound of his heartbeat.

It feels good to feel peace with the sound of his breaths. 

It feels good to feel his damp skin on mine.

It feels good to be loved. 

To be adored. 

To hear the I love yous like static on a broken radio frequency.

The promise of security gives me enough strength to live each day even two huge ocean separate us. 

And one thing I will be holding on, I wear the circlet precious metal with stones on my finger and the ties suspended in the compressed air.

My one day came when I said yes with all my cells singing in unison with tear drops and goosebumps.

I am sharing this story because now I know, love set me free.

CHOICE

Love is a choice

Love gives us direction. Just like the mobile app waze, it gives you the easy route but you track the familiar path. Not putting trust to the blinking guide which tells you to take a left instead of right. When you found yourself at the wrong end, the map will give you another option and another and another in favor of your choice. You see, it will always be you who is the master of your own charade.

Choice. It's one big word which applies to the vastness of how we perceive everything. But our mind is equipped to create, reset and revise whatever we have conceptualized previously. Within us there is that battle of who is right. But that small voice tells you to follow the safest route which will always lead you to mediocrity and the complicated one to victory. Why? Because we always want to prove something to ourselves. That we can live independently and we don't need anybody. Once a circumstance arises and posts a challenge we tend to slither our way to finish line even if we scrape our knees in the process and touch the line bleeding.

In any relationship, some of us are squares trying to fit in a different shape someone has created. And we try fitting in desperately despite our intuition has raised the white flag of surrender and retreat.

We tend to create a life for us where we employ too much rational thinking inorder to convince another side of ourselves that yes we are doing things veraciously.

Abusive relationship never succeeded without the two of you dancing one tune. One party inflict pain and the other is a taker. Hoping against hope by tomorrow all will be well and there will be flood of hugs and kisses. The rejections fuel you to stay and nail your feet on the ground and a single touch from the aggressor leads you to burn and cry for release and spew venomless forgiveness. Giving power to your abuser that yes, he owns you and he is a demigod.

Choice. It is a freewill and you dragged yourself to your situation. Among abused women, very few grows their backbone and wings. Seldom you see empowered women who knew what they wanted. Mostly you would hear, they were left with no choice. And that's what they carry with them. And they looked at love as the focal point of their existence. The wrong way. Love, always, is the most humble, loyal and benevolent concern to another human.

Love is a choice. It is what you give to yourself in a scale of 1 to 10 and oftentimes, we give 8 to 10 to someone and 2-5 to ourselves because of our selfish desire to be selfless. And mind you, we feel good about being tagged as devout lover whilst the screaming of freedom behind closed doors.

While growing up, when we haven't witnessed humble love, we will grow competing for attention. For affection and once we have it we scrape the height for more because we will never be satisfied.   And then the race takes place. It is where we need to slow down. Our life is never dependent with anybody. The power is within us. It's our choice how we maneuver the wheels according to our choices. We can live alone but time and about, somebody will show up and amass your strength altogether and put you on your knees. When the honey turned sour, you will be left with only two options, get up and create an empire or crawl and dig your own grave.

Because love is a choice.

Love yourself first before anybody else because at the end of the road, it's only you who knows how to climb up that wall because there will always be a way out never a deadend.

Moving On

Moving on is not hard
The fear of being alone is
And holding on to fear, too tightly.

There are plenty of ways to move on. Some jump off ship and hang on to another rope on the cliff. Yes, most often than not, rebound relationship is another suicide.

1. Why not try to be alone for the meantime? Find those things you have set aside for sometime because you were busy with your relationship. You might consider drawing, I did. Even if I wasn't so good but it helped. Or try the magic of coloring books. Tracing the lines will put your focus in what you're doing. You will not think of that ex. For the meantime.

2. Are you a music lover? Listen to music. Sing along even you feel inferior of your favorite singers but who cares? Focus on the lyrics and sing your heart out.

3. Watch movie alone even if you feel dumb eating that large popcorn but it is liberating. Cry if you must or laugh, it's a form of catharsis. The pain will disappear and return perhaps, but, what if it won't?

4. Write. Don't mind the grammars or the subject verb agreement or if you are using correct syntax, just express what you want to say. Or write a story and get back to that someone through writing. Remember, words are better than sword. I killed people in my stories and it felt good albeit there was no inflicted pain, it was sarisfying just the same.

5. Write a thank you letter. Everything you are grateful and learned from that relationship, write them down. Make sure you meant what you said. It's not about healing the relationship with your ex but to mend the pain within you. It's not about him/her, it's about you.

6. Refrain from entertaining another possible relationship. In short, no to rebound kind of thingy. If you cannot heal yourself then you will be creating a cycle, a viscious one. And you will be circuited back to where you've been. Get a breather! 

7. Stop stalking your ex or even sending random messages. It won't work. You will feel desperate and needy. Whatever you will discover will cause you some more pain. It will be unfair to yourself, stop sabotaging your own happiness. Pain will never make you happy. It will only drag you to misery and you will get ugly. Noone will ever make you feel good except that small voice telling you, you deserve better and s/he is an asshole! Period! 

8. Always prioritize yourself. Love yourself first. Do not put someone on top of your list if your feelings are not reciprocated. Stop the heroism complex. It will lead you nowhere but to continue demeaning yourself. Focus on self-respect and self-preservation. If s/he loves you, there's no reason to demand for attention.

9. Go out. Reconnect with nature. Walk barefoot on the grass. Count your steps and feel the cells in your body singing with life.

10. Exercise. Run. Stretch. You need to release those negative energy. Shape up and you will realize you've beaten yourself for so long. That you have overlooked, that you deserve the best because you are the best version of yourself.

The best lesson to every break up is finding solace in solitude. Heartbreak is not that painful. Mind you, papercut is more prickly. What's fearsome is the fact that you will be threading the world solely. Again. And memories are everywhere but being alone will teach you to love yourself more. To listen to the music in pregnant silence.

And above all, you will enjoy your own company and you will get to know who you really are and what you are composed of.

Moving on is easy
Just learn to loosen that grip

Let go

If the tears come

Let it flow

And pat your back and whisper, this too shall pass.

So keep moving forward. 

Stained Glass

When you believed all circumstances led you to some place unknown.

When you picked up all the shattered pieces and despite distorted state you were able to wear that shabby head high.

When there was that bitter taste of regret in the inside of your lips and yet you have contrived how to put that smile back on your chapped lips.

When all those people who tagged themselves as friends turned their backs on you because you were a misfit in their so called society.

When you walked alone on the other side and the throng of regular people tracked the opposite.

When you sang songs noone heard because they danced to their own loud music.

When your normal days were full of peculiarity to some who chased fame and money.

When you spoke silently yet they heard only noise.

When all seemed perfectly tilting but some held onto the invisible diagonal lines and hang on tightly expecting a free fall anytime.

Yes, you are unique.

You don't fit in.

Because they preferred to journey in multitude while you chose solitude even if it meant you are on your own bootstraps.

There is a great power in being alone.

You will feel the utmost affection for yourself and being sentient that the whole universe is within you.

And yes, yes, yes! There's a promise of abundance and greatness.

And always believe, you are a work in progress even if you are looking at a mere stained glass.

Ocean of Acquiescence

Way way back, I have accepted that I wasn't normal. That whenever I shared an idea or two with someone, he cringed or with a funny look on his face.

I have a concept of a true self even before but always derailed to a limited view synergized by some conflicted belief. And POW! Disappeared. I started on square one again.

At times, books could enlighten but it helps to have someone who mentors. Who is willing to share the idea of consciousness, now and true self. Not all, are prepared to thread this realm but everybody is lined up to each his own reality. In psychology, it is what we know, maturity. In spirituality, it is awakening. The shift in consciousness. The acceptance that there is the higher self. Your I and myself.

With every turn of our lives, have you ever asked yourself, where the turn is for? Is it really necessary? What is the significant of that event to your daily existence? Or, is this a major upheaval? A shift? A change?

I started my spiritual journey when I was 32. A friend introduced Deepak Chopra and I started following the great spiritual teacher on Youtube and Google. Since I am good with everything written, I browsed, researched and patiently collaborated with the slow internet connection just to get the concept of everything. I was mystified but it was not an easy journey. I was put on fire. I was in my brink of sanity. I planned to track a white line but was mixed with dotted black instead. And then the lines became crooked and relationships were put to test. Just like how the swordsmith makes a strong sword or a goldsmith turn a melted element into intricate designs. And yes, I was heading that path. Concrete, plain and safe but it wasn't easy at all.

Living consciously means letting go of the past. "This too shall pass." Make that as mantra and you will be easy with everything.

I know circumstances take us to new beginning or realization. I was indisposed for 4 days and I called in sick. It was actually almost a week including the weekend. I had temporal cellulities. My left face was swollen and I looked funny. I was looking at myself in the mirror and whispered, you are beautiful. And my inner turmoil disappeared. Yes, there's that inner child whose hunger for appreciation is unquenchable. The thirst is just tamed but ego keeps on triggering that void.

Few of the things that dawned on me during my two-facet reckoning days:

1) Beauty is only skin deep. Yes, I always post my face in social media because it took me a long while before I fully appreciated my physical aspect. Consciously. But everything is just temporary. I adhered to that. A small bump can change the whole physical form. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror at first until I accepted the fact that it was temporary. And everything shall pass. That we couldn't hold on to anything, not even how you look like.

2) Time. It is precious. Time is an element we really can not grip. So let's be grateful to those who offer us their time because they give us a portion of them which they can't take back. I have very few people who checked on me during the slight depression. Truly I appreciated. Very few. Rare. And just the same, the time I will give them is something I will lose forever.

3) Belief. I resorted to faith healer. Who wouldn't? I had temporal cellulitis. I had pimple in my left inner wall of nose and a small wound inside my right supra alar crease. Who was not doomed then? Like you were so vain the other day and you just woke up with a swollen left cheek and you could not pinch your nose or wash your face just like before because there was pain everywhere. And then the prayers. The touching of affected part. The holy water mixed with vinegar. The shield. And everything. I realized, faith healers exist because there are people who hold strong belief in them. But without faith, healing will never be granted.

4) Money. It does not make the world go round but surely it's a tool to make the world evolved. After the faithhealer I still succumbed to science and I was given high dose of antibiotics and if there would be no changes for 4 days, we would resort to IV antibiotics and that meant hospital confinement. I was prescribed with other paraphernalia to drain out the infection from the cellulitis. My pocket were half filled and thank God I had money to spare. It gave me confidence which I lacked a few days back.

5) Health. The very important of all. Opening your eyes upon waking up. Smelling that coffee aroma. The soft touch of the blanket's fabric. The glimpse of sunshine. The chirping of birds. We have a lot to be thankful for. The 5 senses are indicators we are alive. We breathe. We have life. I see cancer patients lining up to see their preferred physicians everyday and they showed me I have a good life. That I am blessed. That they have their own purpose. And I have mine.

6) Family. It is good to belong to people who truly cares. It doesn't have to be related by blood. All you have to do is care and that is love, unconditionally. That is the essence of family.

7) Love. The most binding force in the universe. That regardless how you look like, how your moods zoom up and down there will be people who would accept you and show you pride helps noone.

7 realizations for the 7 days of antibiotics combatting the bacteria I got somewhere. A circumstance that probably others would shrug off but for me who suffered, I know what it was meant for.

This too shall pass. And I came out clean. With a bald on my left temporal. It's bald as skin head but I am patiently waiting for the hair to grow back.

I just thank those people who never let me feel ugly. And my inner child is back to her hammock, thumbsucking.

That's Why.

That's why.

Just recently, I had a glimpse of what my early childhood looked like. I never had any idea before. I just had a few memories but I didn't know if it was a happy one or not. I started recording memories and that retained in my subconscious when I already started school. But was I a jolly toddler? Or was I exemplary? I didn't know until my mother told a story that when we were young, like prolly 2-3 years old and my elder sister was 2 years older than me, my parents with my sister and I played hide and seek. We were riotous. We laughed often. We were noisy. Those were just empassing moments. And then the spotlight lost its light. And my memories of a 5 year old ecstatic holding a container with an orange juice which happened to be my sister's. She came home from school crying. She didn't want school. She was 7 and on her 1st grade. That left me to be the happiest because I got to eat and drink her baon, and I had someone to play with. But what I did during those times of being alone, I have no idea.

I didn't know how I conceptualise rejection. My parents were fair those times until the 3rd sibling came. And then we had to share the whole bed. And I was territorial with my father, but  the 3rd was a boy, and there was that difference. Slight difference.

Then, the 4th came. She looked like a doll. Curly hair. Pointed nose. Her skin was fair. And she was soo adorable. Everybody was cooing her. Like she's the greatest thing on Earth. This could have started the rejection part. 

Until it was my time to go to school and I met bullies. The comparison commenced. The competition took place. From skin to hair, to school things, to parents' occupations and worst, to be announce as 5th honors and called as 8th during graduation. Those were contributing factors to my developing mind. My mind absorbed everything like sponge and it was not processed. My mother complained but never fought til the end. I was in the receiving end thinking I was a mediocre. 

My grade school was never better although I excelled yet it was not enough. I studied on my own. My voice was small. I knew I was good or even better than some but the voices at home

didn't echo the tone. It remained as noise. I graduated with flying colors yet I didn't feel I met an expectation because there was nothing to prove in the first place. The competition built in my head. Our house was silent when it comes to achievements except that when we were growing up we were always compared to someone's daughter. And the competition lived on.

High school. When confidence started to elevate yet it was only on its 1st level and never had escalated. I was told not to mingle with rich kids. That I was not comparable to them. That we were  inferior. I believed I have the intelligence that could battle with anyone. I wasn't the genius type but I was aware from then on, I was special. I had not enhanced my dancing skills because I wasn't permitted to join any. I excelled but I knew I was not the best and it lived with me for so long.

When I was in college, I carried with me that label, I was not enough. That, I will never be adequate. My self-esteem was on prone position. From the time it dove nose first, it never had recovered. 

Then I graduated believing I'm good but I never had the outside voices echoing that belief. My confidence level was on its mid low and middle. No progression and it manifested on how I treated myself with relationships. 

I ended up with men who were also mediocres or if not, who put me in too much pressure i thought I deserved which I allowed. I got out after 10 years of grilling. And then put myself in another gruesome sacrifice. 

My soul was bandaged. Swollen. Damaged. And my spirit was in constant cry of liberty. I found myself. I never had a bestfriend but myself. Probably, if someone would see me talking to myself, I'll be damned and rehabilitated. 

For so long, I was in tug of war with my consciousness. I always knew what to do but I waited for circumstances to show up in my doorstep and knock me down.

I learned to pour love onto my own pail until it spilled out of the threshold and cloaked me with so much respect. So much love. And then, I was happier than ever. Until I met another man. 

He appeared, somehow, same level with the previous predicaments. I waited what the chances would display. And he got my interest. I gained full gear of confidence for this one. I never expected, I'll fall hard, I'll trust this much and my deeply embedded longing to belong to a strong arms was awakened. I let go. I gave another chance for my heart. Maybe, maybe, this is my last trip to reach true love. 

This one is so full of possible impossibilities. The distance is so apparent it shears my soul yet I wanted to succumb to dreamland of forever. I took chances and I had so many free rides. I wanted this to the point of obsession. I drew my all and laid down all my cards. Finally, I breathed to myself, I found someone who promises me of assurance and security. That this time I'm not alone. That someone will be there to have the same ride with me. That the horizon was all clear. That there really was sunshine after the rain.

That after so many rejections and broken heart, here I was, showered with so much love. I was so secured I never seen a bump coming. Then, I fell down. Scratch my knees. So, this is how it feels? The glimpse of heartaches. 

I may not be prepared for this but I am whole and I know, I would cry but I will always carry on. I'll wear my head up high even with tears in my eyes. 

Yes, probably, noone will ever understand me. Good thing, noone can ever hurt me that much without my permission, anymore. 

I was always familiar with rejections and this one is no gooder. Just like old stories.

I won't allow the roll call of pains.

That's why.