Everything falls to its proper places. I have a glimpse of my own sufferings previous years and when I was younger. The time that I have to suffer that resulted me to engineer my own wall, sturdy and strong. I always counted myself as weakling and my courage was just put on. Well, nobody could tell if I was faking it or not.
I cried a river when I lost my supposed second child. Sought comfort through my mothers tender words. The 2nd time that I had miscarriage was not that painful than the first one but the feeling was heavy, nonetheless.
Met a lot of obstacles along the way, career, friendship, relationship... Those had given me enough stones to create a monument reminding me that I need to be strong. I need to be firm. I need to be a stone.
I am an emotional freak by nature. I cried over films and even soaked pages of novels. I whined. I complained. But most often than not I always give reasons to every occurrence in my life. I analyze people's behavior and seek answers to their offensive actions.
Problems are mere instruments to create our characters. What we are composed of and who we really are in times of disgrace, stress and chaos? It is always easy to put up a brave facade and wear your head up high and pretend you are confidently wearing a stilleto of composure.
But amidst all these, what are we really composed of?
Problems had made me stronger, braver and tougher. In the inside, that's another story.
I received a text message from my mother this evening that Papa can not control his urination anymore. He can not hear clearly and he gives no reaction at all. Mama was so composed when she narrated the story when I called her. It seems that she is prepared for whatever will happen next but whoever can tell how prepared we are when we are facing last days of our loved ones. A strong beloved force at that.
I congratulated myself for not giving away myself. My tears were at the verge of falling, my voice was already at its hoarsest but still I had gathered some courage to be of control.
I just let go of my tears when I pressed the end call button of my cellphone.
I talked to God and ask Him to give us this Christmas and start of new year, begging for a few more days. We will be going home on the 25th and that's nearly a week more.
I discerned God's message through reminding me of my previous sufferings. Two miscarriages. Why He had let me experience the pains. That had built my walls stronger. Made me tougher an inch. Why did I have to suffer because He needs me to become walls for my mother and siblings to lean on. They saw me as sturdy immovable wall and I really have to put up with their expectations.
I can cry a river if I want to as long as there will be ocean to welcome the flow.
I could no longer complain. I am suffering but I have to be strong.
I have to be...
