Self-Love

I am living alone for some time. There were times I shared a place with a colleague, it was easy at first until I would realize that we were living in an unfair world.  Efforts were never counted but the story was always reversed, like, I was given so much favor and I was ungrateful especially when I decided to move out, the discomfort dislodged their cloaks and true colors were revealed.

When I started living a path of spirituality, I learned to let go of things and people that threatens my sense of peace. Those people who labeled themselves as my friends yet they take so much. I was so oblivious before or never had a counter of the things I have done yet when I realized I was in the losing end, shortchanged, maligned, I let go. I turned my back and never explained myself. What entailed were stories of different kinds, bottomline, I was the bad guy and them? Always the victim and the good guys. If they were, the world is a better place to live in. They could have made me stay. But I didn't because they showed me there were people who would always take advantage, that when I grew fangs and fought back, I was the deviant. The fall guy. Someone who people should avoid.  Why? It's not because I was bad, it was because they couldn't take me walking alone while they keep their parade and charade and follow the lead of someone who was weaker than them.

The awakening phase was no walk in the park. I was betrayed a few times yet again and again I clung to some people until I learned to stand on my own. The test was to love myself more and never to please anyone rather than myself. Was it selfishness? No! I just learned to love myself more than how I was taught based on society's standard. I turned my back from a marriage which caged me for some time with so much toxicity and with a boy who has no back bone, how could I call him a man then? There were people who casted fire which burnt them in the process, I escaped and that was the start of my journey. Looking back, there were previous eerie signs yet I overlooked, thinking I had to please a group of people who would applaud my selflessness. Such cowardice and self-defeating behavior.

I don't take bullshit anymore. I don't care if people like me as long as I know I am not doing anything wrong based on my standard of what is right and wrong not from what is the norm.

I will always prioritize my own happiness rather than sacrifice and mope whenever I'm betrayed. I am no slave to anybody but I know what love is and I love fiercely.

I was never afraid of change. I can let go of things so easily and I do not cling on to anything. I disposed those stuff I once loved and never regret the decisions I made. I moved from place to place and I am happy for being unknown. I am always grateful for the experiences. I have let go a big company which was my safeguard for 11 years because I was not happy anymore. I left the place which helped me grew my backbone stronger. I've known people who I exchanged wisdom with but their advice were as good as their opinions because I have my own.

I started my early years of labeled life with so many "friends", Facebook friends, I was gullible, I gave almost my entirety to people I once called friends, I wanted to belong, to be famous tailing a group of people, I talked much because I want my voice to be heard until I chose those circumstances which led me finding my own peace in solitude.

I am a work in progress. I love how everything fits and I live in the mantra of 'this too shall pass'. 

I live on my own terms not on anybody's approval. I know what ego is. I don't have any religious affiliations but I know there is that Sovereign Being. I call my God my God. I know what love is. I have friends, a few, who love me unconditionally. The promise of abundance is within my grasp. I have a daughter who adores me. I have family who supports me. I have the best man I never imagined to love me as much as I love him.

And who knows, everything is just a product of consciousness.

How Can I Not Love You That Much?

When loving you means pricking those tiny veins and just that, those short sparks ignite a fire in my nerves, in my whole being. Those unexplainable words I almost lost the grasp each passing moment. Like I just have to resort to diversion in order for me not to drown in the depth of how I feel towards you. That I always believed I am capable of loving one person this big but the truth blew me away, away to where fantasy becomes so real, I don't wanna return to the physical world.

How can I not love someone like you? How can I deny the whole anatomy of my heart to beat for you when you showed me how yours bleeds for me? When you finally succumbed to the fullness of your capacity to love and you are willing to surrender even the simpliest yes or no. Like, you showed me the epitome of love. Sacrifice. The oneness. The simply being in love.

How the world brought you to my life? What was that magnetic force that pulled you which you effortlessly danced with. Like, really? Probably, it was just time for rendezvous.

How can I say no to the invitation of forever?  To try the roller coaster ride of what real love is? To just keep holding the reins and never let go, even for a nanosecond?

How can I not love you then?

How can I defy the gravity that keeps on pulling me? With eyes so kind and almost in adoration of me, almost. You can tell me otherwise.

How?

When loving you now is like breathing fresh air and undertaking detox. My mornings are scented with dews of an awesome evening with smooches and neverending promises of orgasms and cuddles. How then can I say no to a man who swallows his pride whenever I lost touch of reality during my ovulation and monthly periods? How?

When love taught you how to read long prose even you are not into reading because I write. When love requires you to write in response to my long cryptic love letters albeit you didn't write previously. When you have to read articles and books because I speak of them frequently and you just wanted to equate my thinking and reasons.

How then can I just let you go when you have already mandated infinity for us? How can one man be so into me even those stuff I do were not your usuals which became your rituals to check and like and be the best person and #1 fanatic of my literary prowess and dreams?

How?

And how can I turn my back from the one man who accepted my whole even if I looked at myself broken at times?

I just don't believe you love me because I know you love me.

I know that kind of love.

I just know.

When I am still a work in progress and in my awakening stage tracking the path to enlightenment, yet I know, deep in my soul that I found my twin flame. How, then, can I not reciprocate your love?

My inner silly girl will be in awe of you because you didn't just say you love me, you showed me what true love is all about. You tell me now, how can I not love you that much?

Better You

You might have shared a chapter or two of your life to some people and they tend to bloat it up, like, they know everything about you. Some don't realize it that those facts they carry with them about you were already your past or their judgments. Some keep holding on to those characters they knew 3-5-10-15-20 years ago. They continue with their lives but their leashes are still tied tightly in the past. They live in nostalgia and continue to put blame on you for the faults you've done several years back. They will never understand the light in your eyes and they will continue gnawing on the idea that they know you too well. This is where their lives evolved in. And when they get the chance to talk about you, they will talk about your college life, your dormitory life, your early 20s life or your 3 years ago life. Sad that you have to close their chapters and chuckle, they don't know you anymore. 

As much as you want to rehash some stories about your past, it sounds absurd already because you are facing a beautiful now, not even better days ahead of you but now. 

You tend to live consciously with what's happening in the present rather than be locked up with your past life. It's not escaping what others think of reality because it's theirs not yours. It's their choice to stay in their holding moments and dance in the tune of Butter Cup. There are some people who get drunk with so much nostalgia and have their present moment slipped away. Yes, just like that.

You came to the point of no return but keep moving forward. Peter Pan never wanted to grow up because he didn't want complications of growing old but he neglected to understand, he has to grow up not just grow old. And there are a lot of us who live to count their ages and blow candles each adding year to the number they believed as counter to their prime years. Just keep the pace and smile in every turn you take and smell the flowers and enjoy the streak of sunlight on your hair. 

You have come a long way and those who keep on pulling you back to the path you had been are those who live within their comfort zone, whether it's painful or party like, it will always be their decision to bathe on those pleasures. You? Continue changing for the better you, not bound to any rule. As long as you do not step on anybody to make yourself appear taller, go on and rule your world! They who dare say you are a deviant are those who live within what is normal and are afraid of what others have to say about them. 

Who you are yesterday is already your past hence you don't have to conforme with the expectations of your college friends or childhood friends or call them acquaintances. If they cannot accept how you live your life now, it's not your problem anymore, continue challenging your everyday to be better until you attain that best version of who you are.