Steer the Wheel

I was always on the steering wheel. 

I maneuvered my life to however the circumstances presented itself. 

I was a driftwood. 

Thought of myself the least. 

Fell off the cliff on a g-force and free fall. 

Jerked off the reality that I could have clung on on something and fought against the current.

But honestly, I had not. 

I burst bubbles of those who were strangled and slapped the reality on high five but I never realized I was trying to find the key to my cage and not theirs. 

Unsolicited advice. 

Revolting emotions. 

And words gargling in my throat which were trying to escape because of the oppression I saw and I thought some of my friends were into. 

The cliché it takes one to know one marked the whiplash at my back. 

I was fighting because I was unhappy. 

I was living in the dimmest cell and I had been a lonely soul. 

I illuminated a blurry smile I thought was so bright it could disarm anyone. 

But.. But I was fooling myself back then. 

I was living in a dungeon. 

In a damp pit I pretended seeing a castle and secret garden. 

I could never trace the depression if my life is not on it's proper tilt now. 

I am living my world in present with all the freedom I desired to have for so long. 

Those past moments that crossed my mind and make me smile at times. 

Without failures, I will never succeed.

Without pains, I would never experience bliss.

Without heartaches, I would never find true love.

Without mediocres, I would not meet a fine man.

Without the past, I would never be here, Now. 

Indeed, I hold the steering wheel. 

I will maneuver my life to however I want it.

To wherever I want it. 

To whatever I put my heart to it.

Black Rose

When I thought everything was okey and I held the world in my hands. I wore my crown steadily and tracked a single line on a steady cat-walk. Finances were okey with the ups and downs but still I was able to manage. Sighed in the instance when something quite shaky and told myself to carry on. 

Those chapters I already flipped closed and thought of vaulting them up. Emerged from being broken and believed everything will be yes! Yes! Yes! Okey! 

I maneuvered my life alone even when I was with someone who I accepted even he was quite a burlap to carry on my back. I just thought marriage was the norm. The fate. Even love was a choice.

Or so I thought I chose to when I wasn't given options at all. 

Then I set myself free. Flew the mountains echoing the cry of my overjoyed heart. I paid up high stake for this freedom. I faced the wrath of those who battled the depression of doctrines and beliefs. I gambled too many but after calling it all in, I took all the stakes. I won! Despite all the rumors and the neverending assumptions, I am living the life I want. 

I just live as an ordinary. The roller coaster ride and the howling when pain stroke. The laughter bouncing the walls of empty room. The feel of the cold grounds to my barefoot sipped to my veins. And then there was a sudden knock to my locked-rustic heart who believes in fairy tales.

 

And then my world run in circles. Lulled by a comforting hum. Sway in a safe hammock of romance. Serenaded by words in unison with the whistle of crossing winds and the birds chirps completing the orchestra.

My days were spent in laughters and giggles. I am all those princesses and I have the happily ever after crafted on a branch of an old tree until the whiplash. The urgency to evacuate. To just be in haste. 

And the world's serenity was destroyed. The puzzle pieces were dismantled. And the confusion dawned. Where am I now? Crossroad. And I stopped. 

And I just want to pull back.

To go back to my safe ground.

To hide.

To live like a kermit.

To just be.

To create my own forever of ok.

My definition.

My perspective.

My world.

My own.

So shall I just say goodbye?

LIFE AND CHOICES

Life will never offer solution to the problem you put yourself into but surely it will provide circumstances that will assist you thread the path of your choice. You see bottomline of everything is a choice. Choices if you will put it. Diversified options laid infront of you. You pick the most comfortable with you because any discomfort will distort the equilibrium you have been so carefully dealt with all your life.  You felt you were so complete and yet you continued tracking those men or things you thought could make you whole. Worse, could make you happy. Worst, once they had left, you were on the floor, torn, shattered and writhing in pain. And after a week or a month, you cling on somebody's arm again. With that smile for posterity and an oozing happiness swelling from your blinding bright smiles.  

Wrongly, you associate happiness as connected to someone. Your need to belong fuels you to have a relationship, even one full of mediocrity. As long as you have someone you labeled as your own. Someone with key hole or someone with a coin slot. You played manipulation and once the brain of your partner started to run freely, you thought of malfunction. Then you junk him/her. But where does that leave you, broken. Regardless your position is, you're the one who left or you are the one being left behind, the effect is the same. There will be that gaping hole. That void. That longing to belong again. 

So you think you are so full of confidence that you can just have anyone in a snap of a finger? How could you find someone geniune if you tend to compromise your own ideals. 

You deserve all the beautiful things in the world including one beautiful mind that will look at you as someone so precious. Not a second rate. Not an option. 

Life offers you so much to gnaw on. To juggle. To simply point at those things which meet your needs. Not so-so. Not something you just shrug off if it doesn't fit. 

Slow down. Breathe. And look at your inner being. What do you really want? Where are you heading? What is it that makes you whole? Look within and find that inner peace. That flower of enlightenment blossoming from deep down inside you. Live consciously and in presence. Now. The most important part. Refrain from looking at the slit of yesterday or steal the light from tomorrow. Enjoy the now. Like there is no room for doubt but once the emotions fleet in, let it. With it's fluidity, it will just flow. Acknowledge but never hold the moment because everything passes through. 

And then walk the path of light. Like seeing for the first time what you are really composed of. 

Nothing can make you unhappy without your consent. Everyone and everything are mere add ons to your complete life. Don't hold too tight but be always grateful of what you have. 

Being you requires so much sacrifices and you might need to grip onto something or cry the frustrations. But yeah, you are just human but once the circumstances pull you back to misery, always go back to who you are. 

Life you think is never easy, but, it is. 

Your choices make it complicated.