That's why I never called anybody my best friend eversince I was a child. I didn't have any. There were some but I didn't want to call them my own.
As a child, I was always afraid of rejection and I loathe betrayal, in any form.
I lowered my defences recently, calling somebody the best among my friends. Behind my overthinking mind, I succumb to the fact of going after the bandwagon of pairsome and relationship. But now I am in limbo thinking I did the wrong move.
I have friends from my elementary years, they knew how clumsy I was and my frustrations, my disappointments and young heartaches. They were those who have the glimpse of who I was, running lame and filthy. Those were hidden from my friends I have created bond in high school. Different from those friends in college. And far from those who I met along the way I consider colleagues.
We are a multi-faceted personality. People may have an access to who we are but not the whole maybe. I believe, how you sell and project yourself are those personalities you want designated people to see.
And mind you, that is known to be, a privilege not your right.
I have so many peaks and troughs in my life. I have chose people to come near my core. Other friends call me, an open soul. Once I felt a person's sincerity I didn't dwell on whatever motive s/he has. I always believe in conscience and karma and however they use the information they got from my naivete, I don't care.
Respect begets respect. Kindness bears kindness. I grew up to be a pleaser and because I'm always sincere with how I deal with people,I don't see the point of being so judgmental.
People attack other people based on perception. I always give chances, regardless what it brings.
I just realized, there will always be barrier to people you want to call your best buddies. I have allowed some but probably I really have to segregate them according to colors.
I have been to places where culture varies. Different smiles. Different eyes. Different outlooks. But commonly, I always wanted to belong.
Above all, I started to create a hurdle and I called that respect.
One square, move back.
That's the respect you can give me.
You just don't know me at all because I myself is still looking for my purpose.
Fragment by fragment, I will be whole.
And from where I stumbled, I am standing up firmly and telling the world, bring it on!
This time, I am using all the area of my brain not the softness of my heart anymore..
But then again, naturally, I am a happy soul.
And pursuit of my utmost happiness is on top of my list.
Relationship in any form, once your eyes show me respect and sincerity, I have my left hand open but my right will be cognizant, this time..
Again and again, I say this, happiness is a state of mind and I am stuck in this moment that I am happy, regardless my heart bleeds because of cuts and bruises.
My heart is same size of my fist maybe but my desire to be a good person is bigger than the entire system.
I will be whole, in no time.
