CHOICE

Love is a choice

Love gives us direction. Just like the mobile app waze, it gives you the easy route but you track the familiar path. Not putting trust to the blinking guide which tells you to take a left instead of right. When you found yourself at the wrong end, the map will give you another option and another and another in favor of your choice. You see, it will always be you who is the master of your own charade.

Choice. It's one big word which applies to the vastness of how we perceive everything. But our mind is equipped to create, reset and revise whatever we have conceptualized previously. Within us there is that battle of who is right. But that small voice tells you to follow the safest route which will always lead you to mediocrity and the complicated one to victory. Why? Because we always want to prove something to ourselves. That we can live independently and we don't need anybody. Once a circumstance arises and posts a challenge we tend to slither our way to finish line even if we scrape our knees in the process and touch the line bleeding.

In any relationship, some of us are squares trying to fit in a different shape someone has created. And we try fitting in desperately despite our intuition has raised the white flag of surrender and retreat.

We tend to create a life for us where we employ too much rational thinking inorder to convince another side of ourselves that yes we are doing things veraciously.

Abusive relationship never succeeded without the two of you dancing one tune. One party inflict pain and the other is a taker. Hoping against hope by tomorrow all will be well and there will be flood of hugs and kisses. The rejections fuel you to stay and nail your feet on the ground and a single touch from the aggressor leads you to burn and cry for release and spew venomless forgiveness. Giving power to your abuser that yes, he owns you and he is a demigod.

Choice. It is a freewill and you dragged yourself to your situation. Among abused women, very few grows their backbone and wings. Seldom you see empowered women who knew what they wanted. Mostly you would hear, they were left with no choice. And that's what they carry with them. And they looked at love as the focal point of their existence. The wrong way. Love, always, is the most humble, loyal and benevolent concern to another human.

Love is a choice. It is what you give to yourself in a scale of 1 to 10 and oftentimes, we give 8 to 10 to someone and 2-5 to ourselves because of our selfish desire to be selfless. And mind you, we feel good about being tagged as devout lover whilst the screaming of freedom behind closed doors.

While growing up, when we haven't witnessed humble love, we will grow competing for attention. For affection and once we have it we scrape the height for more because we will never be satisfied.   And then the race takes place. It is where we need to slow down. Our life is never dependent with anybody. The power is within us. It's our choice how we maneuver the wheels according to our choices. We can live alone but time and about, somebody will show up and amass your strength altogether and put you on your knees. When the honey turned sour, you will be left with only two options, get up and create an empire or crawl and dig your own grave.

Because love is a choice.

Love yourself first before anybody else because at the end of the road, it's only you who knows how to climb up that wall because there will always be a way out never a deadend.

Moving On

Moving on is not hard
The fear of being alone is
And holding on to fear, too tightly.

There are plenty of ways to move on. Some jump off ship and hang on to another rope on the cliff. Yes, most often than not, rebound relationship is another suicide.

1. Why not try to be alone for the meantime? Find those things you have set aside for sometime because you were busy with your relationship. You might consider drawing, I did. Even if I wasn't so good but it helped. Or try the magic of coloring books. Tracing the lines will put your focus in what you're doing. You will not think of that ex. For the meantime.

2. Are you a music lover? Listen to music. Sing along even you feel inferior of your favorite singers but who cares? Focus on the lyrics and sing your heart out.

3. Watch movie alone even if you feel dumb eating that large popcorn but it is liberating. Cry if you must or laugh, it's a form of catharsis. The pain will disappear and return perhaps, but, what if it won't?

4. Write. Don't mind the grammars or the subject verb agreement or if you are using correct syntax, just express what you want to say. Or write a story and get back to that someone through writing. Remember, words are better than sword. I killed people in my stories and it felt good albeit there was no inflicted pain, it was sarisfying just the same.

5. Write a thank you letter. Everything you are grateful and learned from that relationship, write them down. Make sure you meant what you said. It's not about healing the relationship with your ex but to mend the pain within you. It's not about him/her, it's about you.

6. Refrain from entertaining another possible relationship. In short, no to rebound kind of thingy. If you cannot heal yourself then you will be creating a cycle, a viscious one. And you will be circuited back to where you've been. Get a breather! 

7. Stop stalking your ex or even sending random messages. It won't work. You will feel desperate and needy. Whatever you will discover will cause you some more pain. It will be unfair to yourself, stop sabotaging your own happiness. Pain will never make you happy. It will only drag you to misery and you will get ugly. Noone will ever make you feel good except that small voice telling you, you deserve better and s/he is an asshole! Period! 

8. Always prioritize yourself. Love yourself first. Do not put someone on top of your list if your feelings are not reciprocated. Stop the heroism complex. It will lead you nowhere but to continue demeaning yourself. Focus on self-respect and self-preservation. If s/he loves you, there's no reason to demand for attention.

9. Go out. Reconnect with nature. Walk barefoot on the grass. Count your steps and feel the cells in your body singing with life.

10. Exercise. Run. Stretch. You need to release those negative energy. Shape up and you will realize you've beaten yourself for so long. That you have overlooked, that you deserve the best because you are the best version of yourself.

The best lesson to every break up is finding solace in solitude. Heartbreak is not that painful. Mind you, papercut is more prickly. What's fearsome is the fact that you will be threading the world solely. Again. And memories are everywhere but being alone will teach you to love yourself more. To listen to the music in pregnant silence.

And above all, you will enjoy your own company and you will get to know who you really are and what you are composed of.

Moving on is easy
Just learn to loosen that grip

Let go

If the tears come

Let it flow

And pat your back and whisper, this too shall pass.

So keep moving forward. 

Stained Glass

When you believed all circumstances led you to some place unknown.

When you picked up all the shattered pieces and despite distorted state you were able to wear that shabby head high.

When there was that bitter taste of regret in the inside of your lips and yet you have contrived how to put that smile back on your chapped lips.

When all those people who tagged themselves as friends turned their backs on you because you were a misfit in their so called society.

When you walked alone on the other side and the throng of regular people tracked the opposite.

When you sang songs noone heard because they danced to their own loud music.

When your normal days were full of peculiarity to some who chased fame and money.

When you spoke silently yet they heard only noise.

When all seemed perfectly tilting but some held onto the invisible diagonal lines and hang on tightly expecting a free fall anytime.

Yes, you are unique.

You don't fit in.

Because they preferred to journey in multitude while you chose solitude even if it meant you are on your own bootstraps.

There is a great power in being alone.

You will feel the utmost affection for yourself and being sentient that the whole universe is within you.

And yes, yes, yes! There's a promise of abundance and greatness.

And always believe, you are a work in progress even if you are looking at a mere stained glass.

Ocean of Acquiescence

Way way back, I have accepted that I wasn't normal. That whenever I shared an idea or two with someone, he cringed or with a funny look on his face.

I have a concept of a true self even before but always derailed to a limited view synergized by some conflicted belief. And POW! Disappeared. I started on square one again.

At times, books could enlighten but it helps to have someone who mentors. Who is willing to share the idea of consciousness, now and true self. Not all, are prepared to thread this realm but everybody is lined up to each his own reality. In psychology, it is what we know, maturity. In spirituality, it is awakening. The shift in consciousness. The acceptance that there is the higher self. Your I and myself.

With every turn of our lives, have you ever asked yourself, where the turn is for? Is it really necessary? What is the significant of that event to your daily existence? Or, is this a major upheaval? A shift? A change?

I started my spiritual journey when I was 32. A friend introduced Deepak Chopra and I started following the great spiritual teacher on Youtube and Google. Since I am good with everything written, I browsed, researched and patiently collaborated with the slow internet connection just to get the concept of everything. I was mystified but it was not an easy journey. I was put on fire. I was in my brink of sanity. I planned to track a white line but was mixed with dotted black instead. And then the lines became crooked and relationships were put to test. Just like how the swordsmith makes a strong sword or a goldsmith turn a melted element into intricate designs. And yes, I was heading that path. Concrete, plain and safe but it wasn't easy at all.

Living consciously means letting go of the past. "This too shall pass." Make that as mantra and you will be easy with everything.

I know circumstances take us to new beginning or realization. I was indisposed for 4 days and I called in sick. It was actually almost a week including the weekend. I had temporal cellulities. My left face was swollen and I looked funny. I was looking at myself in the mirror and whispered, you are beautiful. And my inner turmoil disappeared. Yes, there's that inner child whose hunger for appreciation is unquenchable. The thirst is just tamed but ego keeps on triggering that void.

Few of the things that dawned on me during my two-facet reckoning days:

1) Beauty is only skin deep. Yes, I always post my face in social media because it took me a long while before I fully appreciated my physical aspect. Consciously. But everything is just temporary. I adhered to that. A small bump can change the whole physical form. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror at first until I accepted the fact that it was temporary. And everything shall pass. That we couldn't hold on to anything, not even how you look like.

2) Time. It is precious. Time is an element we really can not grip. So let's be grateful to those who offer us their time because they give us a portion of them which they can't take back. I have very few people who checked on me during the slight depression. Truly I appreciated. Very few. Rare. And just the same, the time I will give them is something I will lose forever.

3) Belief. I resorted to faith healer. Who wouldn't? I had temporal cellulitis. I had pimple in my left inner wall of nose and a small wound inside my right supra alar crease. Who was not doomed then? Like you were so vain the other day and you just woke up with a swollen left cheek and you could not pinch your nose or wash your face just like before because there was pain everywhere. And then the prayers. The touching of affected part. The holy water mixed with vinegar. The shield. And everything. I realized, faith healers exist because there are people who hold strong belief in them. But without faith, healing will never be granted.

4) Money. It does not make the world go round but surely it's a tool to make the world evolved. After the faithhealer I still succumbed to science and I was given high dose of antibiotics and if there would be no changes for 4 days, we would resort to IV antibiotics and that meant hospital confinement. I was prescribed with other paraphernalia to drain out the infection from the cellulitis. My pocket were half filled and thank God I had money to spare. It gave me confidence which I lacked a few days back.

5) Health. The very important of all. Opening your eyes upon waking up. Smelling that coffee aroma. The soft touch of the blanket's fabric. The glimpse of sunshine. The chirping of birds. We have a lot to be thankful for. The 5 senses are indicators we are alive. We breathe. We have life. I see cancer patients lining up to see their preferred physicians everyday and they showed me I have a good life. That I am blessed. That they have their own purpose. And I have mine.

6) Family. It is good to belong to people who truly cares. It doesn't have to be related by blood. All you have to do is care and that is love, unconditionally. That is the essence of family.

7) Love. The most binding force in the universe. That regardless how you look like, how your moods zoom up and down there will be people who would accept you and show you pride helps noone.

7 realizations for the 7 days of antibiotics combatting the bacteria I got somewhere. A circumstance that probably others would shrug off but for me who suffered, I know what it was meant for.

This too shall pass. And I came out clean. With a bald on my left temporal. It's bald as skin head but I am patiently waiting for the hair to grow back.

I just thank those people who never let me feel ugly. And my inner child is back to her hammock, thumbsucking.

That's Why.

That's why.

Just recently, I had a glimpse of what my early childhood looked like. I never had any idea before. I just had a few memories but I didn't know if it was a happy one or not. I started recording memories and that retained in my subconscious when I already started school. But was I a jolly toddler? Or was I exemplary? I didn't know until my mother told a story that when we were young, like prolly 2-3 years old and my elder sister was 2 years older than me, my parents with my sister and I played hide and seek. We were riotous. We laughed often. We were noisy. Those were just empassing moments. And then the spotlight lost its light. And my memories of a 5 year old ecstatic holding a container with an orange juice which happened to be my sister's. She came home from school crying. She didn't want school. She was 7 and on her 1st grade. That left me to be the happiest because I got to eat and drink her baon, and I had someone to play with. But what I did during those times of being alone, I have no idea.

I didn't know how I conceptualise rejection. My parents were fair those times until the 3rd sibling came. And then we had to share the whole bed. And I was territorial with my father, but  the 3rd was a boy, and there was that difference. Slight difference.

Then, the 4th came. She looked like a doll. Curly hair. Pointed nose. Her skin was fair. And she was soo adorable. Everybody was cooing her. Like she's the greatest thing on Earth. This could have started the rejection part. 

Until it was my time to go to school and I met bullies. The comparison commenced. The competition took place. From skin to hair, to school things, to parents' occupations and worst, to be announce as 5th honors and called as 8th during graduation. Those were contributing factors to my developing mind. My mind absorbed everything like sponge and it was not processed. My mother complained but never fought til the end. I was in the receiving end thinking I was a mediocre. 

My grade school was never better although I excelled yet it was not enough. I studied on my own. My voice was small. I knew I was good or even better than some but the voices at home

didn't echo the tone. It remained as noise. I graduated with flying colors yet I didn't feel I met an expectation because there was nothing to prove in the first place. The competition built in my head. Our house was silent when it comes to achievements except that when we were growing up we were always compared to someone's daughter. And the competition lived on.

High school. When confidence started to elevate yet it was only on its 1st level and never had escalated. I was told not to mingle with rich kids. That I was not comparable to them. That we were  inferior. I believed I have the intelligence that could battle with anyone. I wasn't the genius type but I was aware from then on, I was special. I had not enhanced my dancing skills because I wasn't permitted to join any. I excelled but I knew I was not the best and it lived with me for so long.

When I was in college, I carried with me that label, I was not enough. That, I will never be adequate. My self-esteem was on prone position. From the time it dove nose first, it never had recovered. 

Then I graduated believing I'm good but I never had the outside voices echoing that belief. My confidence level was on its mid low and middle. No progression and it manifested on how I treated myself with relationships. 

I ended up with men who were also mediocres or if not, who put me in too much pressure i thought I deserved which I allowed. I got out after 10 years of grilling. And then put myself in another gruesome sacrifice. 

My soul was bandaged. Swollen. Damaged. And my spirit was in constant cry of liberty. I found myself. I never had a bestfriend but myself. Probably, if someone would see me talking to myself, I'll be damned and rehabilitated. 

For so long, I was in tug of war with my consciousness. I always knew what to do but I waited for circumstances to show up in my doorstep and knock me down.

I learned to pour love onto my own pail until it spilled out of the threshold and cloaked me with so much respect. So much love. And then, I was happier than ever. Until I met another man. 

He appeared, somehow, same level with the previous predicaments. I waited what the chances would display. And he got my interest. I gained full gear of confidence for this one. I never expected, I'll fall hard, I'll trust this much and my deeply embedded longing to belong to a strong arms was awakened. I let go. I gave another chance for my heart. Maybe, maybe, this is my last trip to reach true love. 

This one is so full of possible impossibilities. The distance is so apparent it shears my soul yet I wanted to succumb to dreamland of forever. I took chances and I had so many free rides. I wanted this to the point of obsession. I drew my all and laid down all my cards. Finally, I breathed to myself, I found someone who promises me of assurance and security. That this time I'm not alone. That someone will be there to have the same ride with me. That the horizon was all clear. That there really was sunshine after the rain.

That after so many rejections and broken heart, here I was, showered with so much love. I was so secured I never seen a bump coming. Then, I fell down. Scratch my knees. So, this is how it feels? The glimpse of heartaches. 

I may not be prepared for this but I am whole and I know, I would cry but I will always carry on. I'll wear my head up high even with tears in my eyes. 

Yes, probably, noone will ever understand me. Good thing, noone can ever hurt me that much without my permission, anymore. 

I was always familiar with rejections and this one is no gooder. Just like old stories.

I won't allow the roll call of pains.

That's why.