That's Why.

That's why.

Just recently, I had a glimpse of what my early childhood looked like. I never had any idea before. I just had a few memories but I didn't know if it was a happy one or not. I started recording memories and that retained in my subconscious when I already started school. But was I a jolly toddler? Or was I exemplary? I didn't know until my mother told a story that when we were young, like prolly 2-3 years old and my elder sister was 2 years older than me, my parents with my sister and I played hide and seek. We were riotous. We laughed often. We were noisy. Those were just empassing moments. And then the spotlight lost its light. And my memories of a 5 year old ecstatic holding a container with an orange juice which happened to be my sister's. She came home from school crying. She didn't want school. She was 7 and on her 1st grade. That left me to be the happiest because I got to eat and drink her baon, and I had someone to play with. But what I did during those times of being alone, I have no idea.

I didn't know how I conceptualise rejection. My parents were fair those times until the 3rd sibling came. And then we had to share the whole bed. And I was territorial with my father, but  the 3rd was a boy, and there was that difference. Slight difference.

Then, the 4th came. She looked like a doll. Curly hair. Pointed nose. Her skin was fair. And she was soo adorable. Everybody was cooing her. Like she's the greatest thing on Earth. This could have started the rejection part. 

Until it was my time to go to school and I met bullies. The comparison commenced. The competition took place. From skin to hair, to school things, to parents' occupations and worst, to be announce as 5th honors and called as 8th during graduation. Those were contributing factors to my developing mind. My mind absorbed everything like sponge and it was not processed. My mother complained but never fought til the end. I was in the receiving end thinking I was a mediocre. 

My grade school was never better although I excelled yet it was not enough. I studied on my own. My voice was small. I knew I was good or even better than some but the voices at home

didn't echo the tone. It remained as noise. I graduated with flying colors yet I didn't feel I met an expectation because there was nothing to prove in the first place. The competition built in my head. Our house was silent when it comes to achievements except that when we were growing up we were always compared to someone's daughter. And the competition lived on.

High school. When confidence started to elevate yet it was only on its 1st level and never had escalated. I was told not to mingle with rich kids. That I was not comparable to them. That we were  inferior. I believed I have the intelligence that could battle with anyone. I wasn't the genius type but I was aware from then on, I was special. I had not enhanced my dancing skills because I wasn't permitted to join any. I excelled but I knew I was not the best and it lived with me for so long.

When I was in college, I carried with me that label, I was not enough. That, I will never be adequate. My self-esteem was on prone position. From the time it dove nose first, it never had recovered. 

Then I graduated believing I'm good but I never had the outside voices echoing that belief. My confidence level was on its mid low and middle. No progression and it manifested on how I treated myself with relationships. 

I ended up with men who were also mediocres or if not, who put me in too much pressure i thought I deserved which I allowed. I got out after 10 years of grilling. And then put myself in another gruesome sacrifice. 

My soul was bandaged. Swollen. Damaged. And my spirit was in constant cry of liberty. I found myself. I never had a bestfriend but myself. Probably, if someone would see me talking to myself, I'll be damned and rehabilitated. 

For so long, I was in tug of war with my consciousness. I always knew what to do but I waited for circumstances to show up in my doorstep and knock me down.

I learned to pour love onto my own pail until it spilled out of the threshold and cloaked me with so much respect. So much love. And then, I was happier than ever. Until I met another man. 

He appeared, somehow, same level with the previous predicaments. I waited what the chances would display. And he got my interest. I gained full gear of confidence for this one. I never expected, I'll fall hard, I'll trust this much and my deeply embedded longing to belong to a strong arms was awakened. I let go. I gave another chance for my heart. Maybe, maybe, this is my last trip to reach true love. 

This one is so full of possible impossibilities. The distance is so apparent it shears my soul yet I wanted to succumb to dreamland of forever. I took chances and I had so many free rides. I wanted this to the point of obsession. I drew my all and laid down all my cards. Finally, I breathed to myself, I found someone who promises me of assurance and security. That this time I'm not alone. That someone will be there to have the same ride with me. That the horizon was all clear. That there really was sunshine after the rain.

That after so many rejections and broken heart, here I was, showered with so much love. I was so secured I never seen a bump coming. Then, I fell down. Scratch my knees. So, this is how it feels? The glimpse of heartaches. 

I may not be prepared for this but I am whole and I know, I would cry but I will always carry on. I'll wear my head up high even with tears in my eyes. 

Yes, probably, noone will ever understand me. Good thing, noone can ever hurt me that much without my permission, anymore. 

I was always familiar with rejections and this one is no gooder. Just like old stories.

I won't allow the roll call of pains.

That's why.