Beyond...

I'm fascinated with sci-fi and fantasy novel nowadays. This started when I read Twilight Series more than five times last year concurrent to watching the movies first time. Wasn't that convinced then but when I started viewing the first film, the Cullens have dragged me to my world of reverie. I also browsed other creation of Stephenie Meyer and cried with The Host.
The reader in me was awakened. The dreamer was unleashed. Started with Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist but got tired of the journey and the novel was left bookmarked. Plenty of ebooks waiting to be flipped.

Was walking around best seller section in National Bookstore and my eyes were fixed to The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins in paper back. Grabbed and without thinking lined at the cashier and paid. Browsed the pages. Tossed the book the back to flipping again. Then, the battle with sleep began. Before I tore on the last page, my husband, Jay, bought me the next 2 books in hard bound, Catching Fire and The Mocking Jay. Whew!

Then sleep evaded me for hours until I succumbed to slumber.
Bought complete set of Steig Larsson's crime trilogy. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played with Fire and The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest. It laid on the floor for 1 year before I grabbed it just to escape reality. Reading books engulfed me and take me some place where I don't think of what morrows bring.

It bridged me to sanity and beyond when the news of my father's illness slammed at our faces. The plot and characters were really something that will nibble and drag you from sleep. There were names I need to memorize to bridge me to the next scenes. The setting brought me to place I have not been. Russia and the neighboring countries and the reliving of Nazis.
When I was done. Stress creeps back. I thought of everything there is to think. I over analyzed. Anxiety attacked.
Then, a friend suggested Khaled Hosseini's novels. Someone lend me The Kite Runner. My tear ducts seemed like dike had collapsed. Afterwhich, I sought for the second book, A Thousand Splendid Suns. Both talked fictionally of the war torn Afghanistan. It brought me to tears some more. I tried to understand and see the famine and war in that country though from a fiction novel but it suggested vivid sufferings of the people. Must read book. The author has remarkably delivered his message that the country should be revived (though it's really happening nowadays).
You should see me how I rummaged to book sales to have a good find. Bought Marianne Williamson's and other books to my liking but until now, they lay untouched in the shelf.
I remembered a friend telling me about Mitch Albom and his Five People You Meet in Heaven. Bought a copy and buried myself during idle but have not finished. It's a bit sentimental and it breaks my heart some more and led me back to what I was escaping from.
I was restless then, I have to put my mind into something that will drown me some place. I visited several bookstores to find Suzanne Collin's Underland Chronicle. Took me 1-2 weeks before I finally got it. A day before my birthday! What a present. Read the 1st book already. The chronicle is comprised of five Prophecies to be unravel by an eleven year old boy with his  2 year old sister. 5 books. Now, I'm on my 4th. It is a fantasy novel. A boy who's family lived in the heart of New York City. A sudden disappearance of his father and left their mother to work full time to put some food on their table. The boy is Gregor. I'm not going to review the book here but maybe one day when I can finally convince myself, yes I can! There's this place beneath way way down the earth's surface where all other creations like Rats, roaches, spiders, bats, ants etc are bigger than men. And human with translucent skin and purple eyes exist. And the neverending solving of prophecies authored by Bartolomew of Sandwich leader of humans from 1600s who managed to go underground and built an inhabitant at the bottom of the Earth. It keeps me awake til 3 until my eyes droop and surrender to sleep. (By the way, these are the first books of Collins before The Hunger Games, she didn't expect it'll give a blast not even when her first Publisher didn't give a damn with fantasy books but she really is extraordinary--the blend of wit and adventure)
In the fantasy or sci-fi books, I encountered talking insects and animals.I was always afraid of roaches and hate rats. But whenever I remember how they defended humans in the story makes me flinch. When I saw roaches, as much as I want to step on them. I'd rather have insecticide to kill them. Just the same.
I'm considering now to make a story about a talking bug or something. Every insect was already included in animation movies and books. I just wanted to be unique. I want to create a short story on caterpillars. The short interval of being a worm to a fancy colored butterflies. How they cope with insecurities since they are yet crawlers and not flyers and not even part of procreation but bring havoc at times. Well, we all play part in the balance of our ecosystem..
Lame but who knows I can come up with something mirage and will play up with your dreams.

Pop! 

The Power of Love

Imagine how powerful love is.
It does not just choose elites to linger on but rather creeps to those who are less fortunate and illiterates. It just depends on what perspective you look into it.
Intellectuals, probably, have plenty of explanations how it happens and what to do with it. But love sometimes can cripple an individual.
Some may fight and declare, "it is mind over matter". Even turn their backs in order to pursue their dreams. Others might choose to succumb to their parents' will.
I always believe, that if an individual is given options to choose from and does not entertain thoughts of having someone cuddle her/im at night. Argue over petty things and out-wit each other, will then, s/he'll reach the peak of her/is career..probably.But as I have seen some part of the world, saw different races, different faces and different beliefs, I strongly adhere that God created a woman from a man's rib and therefore bottom line, we can not live alone!
Whatever views we have, each of us need a partner. Regardless, people throw arguments and debate over sexes, I will always respect those who have surrendered fully to the calling of LOVE.
I have heard others, friends or foe, questioning my decision of marrying my husband. Well, we are humans. We were given brains to use for thinking. Eyes to see things and mouth to speak. People who probably, see others as odd.
When I was younger and wanted to please everybody, I always explained the length of my life story though I knew, it didn't matter. They have put judgment in between us already.
Nowadays, as I recalled everything that happened. My life pattern. God's plan and all, I just think of certain circumstances, those people have experienced. Why do they keep on looking at me under their scrupulous eyes and not aware that they too are being watched.
They have skeletons of their own. Playing fire at the back of their spouses. Stole something no one knows. Declare they're Christians but are they really, outside of the church?
Love is not just for couples, I should say. It's how you respect one soul in this planet.
I had been a subject of ridicule that's why I do not allow someone spitting at my name.
I heard how others are passing judgment about someone and what s/he has done. I was even part of the speakers. Then, again, my conscience automatically snap and tells me, am I that clean to say something ill of others.
I speak with different people, degrees,profession,views and choices. The best way to gather their wits out is to talk about love, their families and something to feed their ego.
There's my hairdresser for 4 years now and he's with someone who called himself straight. They were together for 2 years now. So, love conquers all? They were ridiculed, maligned verbally but they stood with their rights to love. I can not even tell them about Adam and Eve without stepping on their feelings. I believe God created us all fairly and have our own free will but love is one greatest gift God has given us, am I to cast the stone?
I have friends who were mistresses. As a friend, I blatantly pointed out the truth. Hurt their feelings in some way but did I win? No! I appeared know-it-all. Harsh. Tactless. I didn't know where to put myself. But as I saw them eye to eye, they were happy. But I knew, they deserved that happiness but not to the expense of others. Somewhere, someone was crying.
I can only say much but I don't hold their decisions.
But love? What really is it?
I have friends who have partners for many years already. They were separated and yet back to each others' arms. I believe, love, like flowers, once tended with respect will always flourish. Friendship is one factor in particular that cultivates love.
I have mine, in a whirlwind romance, two opposing minds and yet we're still here ready to make amends and anchored our relationship with friendship.
Not easy though but we 're really trying hard.
I saw a couple tending 6 young kids. Soiled clothes. Dirty nails. The eldest is around 13. They live in a 1X3 cart with tattered tarpuline serving as their shelter and extension of triangle plastic built as tent. It's possible. That love lingers even with empty stomach.
There are filthy rich individuals but served their idioms then, life with filth. Love is never an option to them. Sometimes, when maturity creeps in, they look for love in haste.
Love never is an option. It is a necessity.
It is always good to have someone carry the stress for you. Argument on petty things, seems foolish but a very good sharpening of each other's wit. It's where you understood each other's frailties. It's where you draw views and understand your behavior some more.
Love is sparing what you have to eat in order to take away hunger from your child.
Love is hurting your friend just to shake the reasons out of them.
Love is being with your partner regardless what cunning individuals are saying about him/er.
Love is opening your soul to someone and let him/er peek on your life and see what's inside.
Love is sacrificing your own happiness and comfort for someone without expecting something in return.
Love is being deaf with the harsh words of others judgment and never explain yourself because you will surely drag someone's name to pit.
Love lingers into the heart of those who are ready to yield into the calling of sacrifice.
To cry your heart out when you're in pain, complain when you are tired, snap when you are uncomfortable but ready to say yes whenever you are asked to say it. That's the power of love!

No Coincidence

Do you happen to ask yourself what ifs? Buts? Do you always wonder what had happened if you had made right turn instead of left? A lot of us make a fuss over misfortune. When I read this passage somewhere a long time ago: 'Your fortune is other's misfortune', I have adhered to that fact. That's why, 'everything happens for a reason' quote was scribbled.
I always believed in karma. It's just a terminology though but yes it's really true.
Everything that happens to my life now has provided me answers to difficult times previously. For the decisions that I made. For heartaches I felt. But above all, those what ifs, but and everything happens for a reason had honed me. Not personality but attitude.
When I was young and not yet equipped to reason and understand the basic principle of survival, I always reacted easily. When I see people staring at me, I stared back. Heard rumor they have circulated about me, I always tend to explain my side. But as I entered the hall of adulthood, I find myself more control over my emotions. At times, I would ask, do I deserve all these?
I graduated April 2000. I landed on my first job here in Manila, August 2000. My superiors were not so supportive with me and expected me to be an excellent worker. Hello! I was a fresh graduate! I was naive! How'd you expect me to excel (agad-agad!) when I don't have the slightest idea of a corporate life? Then, there was comparison and insecure co-employees. I decided to leave rather than deal with them, I had my own self esteem issue to face in the first place.
Got another job after 2 weeks. Loved the run to and fro. The shoot and meetings for coffee table book. Even had a short stint for Intel AVP. And again, another superior issue. Would you have stayed if you waited for printing of some photos for magazine and calendars to deliver to your boss' house at 3 am just to receive *&%^*76^^#@*! Did I bring the wrong material? What have I done?
When I went home, I have sworn I will never return to office again. I was earning 5 digits that time but I decided to go back to Visayas instead of finding my gold bar in Manila.
I decided hastily without thinking.
After 5 months of being unemployed and no-penny-but-lets-party, I worked for a travel agency paying me 120 pesos per day. Career?
After 4 months I went home to Kalibo, Aklan to promote Bankard. I was earning back then. But...
My husband and I met and the rest was history.
We are 9 years in marriage now. Not a smooth sailing one but we are surviving. Two opposing personalities  but with God's guidance we're still here.
Looking back, He had already prepared me for this. This has been written long time ago.
I was in Manila and why do I have to go back just to fetch and meet my destiny.
It wasn't a good decision, if I only allow my human mind to reason out. Especially with tough times and getting tougher. If I didn't hold on tight to the rope I might have drown myself and picked myself up somewhere. But no!
I can always turn my back. I can always say it's enough but there's deeper than these.
We made decisions and faced challenges together.
Everything fits now and I can always say there's no coincidence. It is purely, divine intervention.
I can not just write everything here about mushy mushy romance or Romeo and Juliet stuff. This is reality.
I didn't lose myself one bit but I just succumbed to blend with other personalities.
I didn't give my all but retain a portion for myself though there were times I was looking for me at the dark.
My decision of getting married at the age of 22 was never a mistake. Probably to some who might not be so interested in my story will say, I wasted my youth. But hey! I'm a whole person now.
Every challenge was accounted for.
We have transferred houses several times. We do not have sufficient funds to support this life we chose but we have just  enough and we survived.
This year was the very challenging year for our lives. As long as I can remember, this one has put me on the verge of insanity.
We went home to province last summer with extravagance. I was thinking, I might not be able to go home this December because of work. We spent so much money on that vacation. Then I traveled to Barcelona, Spain for the Bayer Asia Pacific High Performance Club, I have spent not much but caused me 2 rounds of run to the grocery for the family though. Then, enrollment. No monetary funds left, everything spilled to expenses. And we risked moving out from a no-rental house to a PDC released apartment with 4-month security deposit. It's costly. We emptied our pockets.
August.
This was the month my parents stayed with us. My father was diagnosed with Lung Cancer stage 4 and to and fro to the hospital. Blood transfusion and hydration. He lost almost every muscle he has. Drooping eyes. High cheek bones. Bone and skin. For 2 months they were with me. Errand girl. Driver. I think a lot. I run a lot. I loss some weight. I even lost focus on my husband and daughter's affair.
So this is where the decision of keeping this apartment for?
I used to ask how matured people think. So this is it? I thought I could always get away with adult stuff.
When my father said to my mother that they were always left behind. Their children have their own lives, this is God's way of telling us it's pay back time.
My brother and I were the black sheeps of the family. We think independently. We have lived without our parents scrutiny when we were in college. We developed maturity outside of our home. Our parents have thought, we would not care. My brother lived with me. And now my parents are with us. What's the message then? Painful but God weaved all this finely.
My marriage life is not a bed of roses. Thorns everywhere. We have decisions that when you are at it at the moment, you'll go crazy.
With all these ups and downs, love conquers all. My parents realized, they have brought their children up properly. That we may have our own dealings but they will be our priority. That my siblings will not think twice to lend each one a hand in the family in any way they can. That my husband and I need to anchor our relationship firmly and accept our frailties. That my daughter has faced challenges early on but has witnessed a love so rooted deeply.
And each of us has created a relationship with Father God no one has the right to question.
Everything was written. Intertwined. Well planned. No coincidence but divine intervention.

Nails

I gnawed on them when I was nervous. Didn't even try wearing them long. Rugged means colorless clean nails. At times, I forgot to cut them and bit them instead. I have this memory when my Grade 5 teacher checked our nails and hit my hands with a ruler stick 3 times because they were unclean.

I just started going to salon to have my nails done when I was already in my 4th year in college. Courtesy of a friend, Cherubim Montenejo. I colored my nails in vibrant colors but didn't go for super manicures.Felt like socialite after that. That mere simple unusual act I did, felt a bit more extraordinary though I started having my hair "relaxed" since I was in my 2nd year. Cutting my allowance on food inorder to spend on my caprices.  

Being part of the corporate world, I really have to carry myself well. One of the worst to deal with is dirty fingers. My work involved dealings with clients, therefore from head to toe I really have to be fresh, clean and presentable.

I was addicted to going to salon to have my nails fixed. Though my husband didn't agree to have my nails colored at first, I still insisted. That made me happy, then he was swayed. I tried different colors. But even choosing nail polish reflected my personality. My choices were: Tan, Beige, Brown, Black and Violet. Sometimes, have my nails done twice in a week. 

Nails, same as hair, are my crowning glory. It boosts energy whenever you look at them, clean and smiling. 

I do not want others sneer at me especially people are fond of looking at faces first then your toes.

Nail spas are from everywhere low rates to 15 kg rice equivalent. But I'd rather visit this small salon in Quezon City and be relaxed. The manicurista takes really good care of the cuticles and in-growns. She doesn't operate on my toe nails as if she got her surgery doctorate.

Nails are mirrors of how we take care of ourselves. 

When I realized, what are they for, I didn't gnaw them since. 

Find time to pamper your nails both fingers and toes.

It's not a whim, it's a necessity. Well, for me.

Probably---(Repost from FB Notes Aug 25, 2010)

Probably I don't have to wait for August 26th to know. Probably, God has signs for me now to grasp. Probably, He didn't allow me to mourn over this coming of sign because He already talked to me last Tuesday. He has pulled me closer to my mother and with her voice over the phone comforting me and opening my heart with the possibility of losing the child is far more than enough I could ask for.

I appreciate my mother some more now despite all the heartaches my early marriage has caused her. I never had that nerve to talk to my parents regarding what happened eight years ago but what happened to me now is more than enough to feel how fortunate I am to have parents like them.

I wasn't born rich. I had a lot of school activities I missed due to "no-money!" remarks. I wanted to dance but chose not to join activities because of that familiar quote. I wanted to join extemporaneous speech, debate, both modern and folk dance but my confidence faltered due to my parents fave line as I've mentioned. 

Glad as I was when I was sent to college and I knew God provided then. With 5 peso coins in my mother's purse, we traveled to Iloilo to pursue my college education. I was thrilled. A Whole new experience away from home. Allowance every week. Dormitory. City life during free days. Liberty to ask extravagantly with my parents "no-money" remarks, that time only a soft whisper and vanished through thin air. I didn't mind them digging their debts deeper. A whole lot experience indeed. 

My parents didn't speak of paying them back after I graduated. Scarcely two years after, I got pregnant.  All the hopes of my parents vanished. My mother didn't speak for three days, crying and asking my close friend Dulce, what had happened?

But never did I hear them swearing or talking something about me or Jay. Or better yet to hear things from my relatives and friends quoting my parents. There was nothing but acceptance and vaguely I understand their love.

We came to visit once, twice..I felt their emptiness everytime we left them.

I always see tears from my mother's eyes if t'was time to say goodbye.

I'd rather be infront of the computer or read books rather than talk to her on the phone.

Last Tuesday, when my OB told me that my pregnancy might not fully develop and eventually sooner or later will not progress. I cried hard. Jay was there to comfort me but I need to talk to someone else to get some more comfort I need. I have chosen friends each one with circumstance. My sisters. But I ended up scrolling down my mother's number instead. She was anxious hearing my hoarse voice. I was sobbing and can not speak properly. She was alarmed. I tried to control myself and told her my anxiety. My fears. My frustrations and disappointments. I knew from the tone of her voice that she was just trying to calm her voice down. Comforting me. Telling me it's God's plan. That I don't have to be stubborn with God's signs. That probably, it's not yet the proper time for another baby. That God's plan is more beautiful than I have expected already. She was scolding. She apologized that she might offend me. But nothing was more comforting than feeling her love. The love I thought I'll never get from her when I was younger because she didn't give me material things to enjoy when I was in my elementary-high school years..

Now I know, a mother's love is not measured through material things. Not even how she attends your school activities but rather how she accepts you for being you. 

This is another 2008. I lost another child again. Meekie cried and cried hard. We already prepared her for this but when she saw me bleeding she was devastated. She really wanted to have a sibling, not a cousin, not a pet. Her flesh. Her blood.

But God's comfort is more than overwhelming through a mother's comforting words. Again, my mother comforted me and dragging me to see the silver lining of the nimbus clouds and me as a mother comforting my daughter that it's not yet the end of time. That there's a greater opportunity for us to look into.

Painful but Jesus himself suffered wounds and bruises and shed blood but never complained, who am I to do so?

I'm only human with a mother's heart crying for another angel I haven't touched and kissed, yet returned to our Creator.

Probably, it's not for us yet.

Probably, there's something He plans for us and preparing us some more.

Probably, He's just testing our faith.

Probably, He was letting me know that in every devastation He will always be there a shoulder to cry on. And a lap to sit upon. He can't be with me personally, but He has showed himself to me through my mother's love.

I'm a mother now. I lost two already, but I have one growing up so fast and becoming very smart.

Probably, there's what I was looking for after all.

That I have to be a mother far more than my mother has been..

Probably...

And yet..

I always wanted to learn more. I have the hunger to know everything though I really lack resources. Never did i try imagining myself being one of the famous.Or have tried something people will ever remember. I always have regarded myself as ordinary individual with ordinary life.
I have been so inquisitive. I read available books about everything. Having a teaspoon of everything is not bad. Whenever you came across with a stranger, you have something to talk about. My life in general evolved in the way people see others physically.
You see, I came from a place where they have high regard with appearance especially who are mestiza or mestizo.
(When I decided to start blogging, all the childhood memories I thought I have forgotten where soon rushing like water out of the watershed)
When I was in my Kindergarten, I skipped Nursery and went to Prep instead because of my age. Started school when I was 5 going to 6. My birthday falls to latter part of the year, that's why. I couldn't remember if I have a close friend back then. But I was a victim of bullying. My male classmates would tease me mestizang negra. I was hurt, then. If they call me that name again nowadays, I'll be proud! But then, I knew I was darker than the usual brown color. I was petite. I wore hand me down clothes. I have no confidence and these bullies have even stepped on my low self esteem. I didn't join activities. I remembered, when a boy classmate celebrated his birthday in school and we were told to fall in line to give the boy a kiss, I obeyed but 3 kids before my turn, I returned to my seat and pretended I was finished. Was I ashamed? Freaked out! I tried digging inner feelings I have, I found the answer, i didn't want to see the boy in awful face when I kiss him. See, what confidence can do to you? I graduated in Kindergarten top 5 in class but during graduation rite, I was called 8th. They swapped my name in favor of someone else's daughter. My mother was furious and her complain was in vain. No one heard her. No one cared. I was eyeing those people. And started asking, was it fair? Or there was some mistake?
Elementary days, not even easier. The more I developed low-lying self esteem. I run for office for our student council. Didn't ask my parents to help me pay printing of book marks as my campaign materials. What I did? I traced Mickey Mouse head in a board and cut. Scribbled my name: Vote Richel Lorenzo for Governor! I lost over a schoolmate who was a Singing contest representative. Got zero vote from one classroom. Boy! I was still a fighter! But my confidence was having a storm.
Graduated with flying colors. After the ceremony, my mama never bothered to ride a tricycle and walked home. No congratulatory banner. No food for feast over my victory! I didn't mind. Though, I thought how we celebrated my older sister's graduation with visitors.
Came my high school moments. Started admiring older guys. Got friends who have suitors but I was left as their chaperon. No one cared. Well, that was the time I accepted the words to describe me: plain.simple.doormat.
I topped some of our subjects but whenever competition gets tough I easily shied away. I didn't have parents to boost my ego. To push me some more. They were contented on whatever I gave them.
The worst of all during high school was, when my Prom cotillion partner dropped me for another partner, 5 days before the prom night. Won't you feel uglier than ugly?? Good thing, someone caught me. Some boy who even offered fetching me from home to school. Whaaat? Beggar can not be chooser but I wasn't a beggar! Pride was all I got.
Again, I graduated with honors. No celebration. I didn't give a fuss. My parents were preparing for my college. So I celebrated with my friends instead.
Then College! Wow!
I studied in the University of the Philippines in Miag-ao, Iloilo. I didn't choose any other campus because I knew we can not afford it. Iloilo is 4 hour drive from kalibo, Aklan. Stayed in the coed dormitory.
Freedom. Freedom. Freedom.
Tried smoking. Tried drinking. Got drunk. Got friends who boost and stepped on my confidence at the same time. But that made me stronger. Being in one of the best universities was one of the reasons to be soooo proud of.
Got friends who have confidence on their sleeves.
Hearing compliments from others how I look is way too confusing. Or I just wasn't used to.
But then again, that didn't built my confidence, though it developed a little.
Going head over heels over someone, found myself giggling over the stuff he showed me then dropped the next. I found myself so depressingly ugly.
Then I graduated, single, happy yet insecure.
That's where I developed these feelings that whenever people approach me and tell me how I look, they are all liars!
Not even, when I was awarded as performer of the year built the confidence.
Probably, I will always be that child, in fear of rejection. Now, I'm on my guard to boost my daughter's self esteem.
I don't want her to feel all those feelings haunting me for years.
I maybe perfectly confident parading my facade but my inner self is yet to be assured. I'm torn inside from childhood.
Good thing, I know God has purpose why it all happened.

As I Understand It

When I was young, I was always this inquisitive. When my parents would bring me somewhere and they'll meet someone, my mind would always wonder how do the conversations start? First thing I ever noticed was, it all started with "How are you?" then the never ending throwing of question and answer. It came to me, at a young age that conversation starts with a question. And I was contented.
I came from a province, with lesser recreation options especially we were not that well off to enjoy luxury of travelling to experience how the city life works.  I started reading when I was already Grade 5 and that was Valentine's romances a tagalog version of Harlequin Mills and Boons. Then came Sweet Valley Twins, Sweet Valley High, Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys and all books of my age I just borrowed from friends. Since, we used our local dialect which is Akeanon and I was not exposed to English speaking series played on television, my exposure to English Language was just limited. When I started reading those foreign books, all the words I hardly understood were highlighted or written down to my spare notebook, then, I visited Merriam Webster to check the meaning or synonymous words for my better understanding.
Then I started story telling during summer. My friend Maricel was very patient and enthusiastic to hear my stories. We sat at the protruded part of a man hole drainage and stayed there from 5 in the afternoon until 7 in the evening before dinner. It lasted the whole of summer of 1991. We met every afternoon. Different topics. We just missed our meeting when it rains. She was even amazed where were the ideas coming from and I did not have a single answer to it.
Summer ended and she has to leave. I was left with no one. My sister, 2 year older than me will not hear me out, not even interested. She had her new set of high school friends. My younger siblings were busy playing marbles and chasing ants.
Then I started writing. I started with tagalog novels, written on my unused pages of notebooks. That lasted until I graduated from High school. I have made a dozen of them, maybe more. My sister has read one or more, I'm not sure. It was not that big deal.
When I was in college, some of my new friends were interested to read my stories and so I brought tattered notebooks to our dormitory. Written in different genre. Love stories, mystery and crime. But again, I thought, it's no big deal. It was but a plain story telling.
My friends in college were very good at writing. I felt so small compared to them especially I always mixed up my subject verb agreement and so my interest in writing was buried deep down.
Insecurities developed. I tried scribbling words but remained meaningless compared to my friends' with highfalutin choice of words I myself have difficulty to fathom.
Then I started reading Sheldon, Lindsey, McNaught, Johanssen, Deveraux, Garwood and other famous best selling books available.
I understand, insecurities were developed from home. The exposure, support and encouragement are factors to build one's self confidence.
Probably, one factor why we were not exposed in any literary works, sports and other activities when we were young, was because we don't have resources. Every penny goes to food and primary needs of the family. I didn't even enjoy camping, slumber party, prom etc. My parents were not into those kinds of interests.
My understanding of life now is based on the reality and my experience. I don't have to read books in order for me to nod my head to agree.
I'm 32 now and I believe, I'm heading to the path of maturity.
I have aplenty of quotes I made up myself which in turn were all written by both famous and anonymous men.
As I understand it you can not just claim anything unless you know what you are saying, felt it first hand and as you understand it...