I AM

I have so many questions while tracking my route to where I am now.

I grew up with so much nuances inside my head which as I perceived it now it seems like voices in my mind. Skeptical. Rational. Logical. Critical. I even researched on multiple personality before and schitzoprenia. 

I always tell people from the writings I previously published that yes I wasn't born normal.

I can back track those inquiries I had growing up. 

I was a walking weird lame shy individual.

With all those experiences and soul damaging decisions I made, they were not coincidence, they were mere act of nature to lead me to where I am now. 

I even thought of having a psychiatrist explain to me everything but I ended up learning the process of awareness. Opening myself up to some unexplainable occurences and I met people who mentored and explained that what I was going through was not for everybody. 

Not everybody is open just yet for this kind of journey. Everybody is prepared for this, I guess but the transformation depends on how they accept this. 

I believe in soul. Everyone has soul. 

I believe in the law of attraction.

I believe in oneness. As individual one with the universe.

I watched the secret and it explained everything.

I believe that there is no coincidence but we are orchestrated to diverse, to meet, to cross each others' path. 

I believe that ego is not part of who we are.

I believe in the higher self. 

That there is a thinker inside of us. 

That our inner self is like the whole of the universe that's why we are part of the whole system.

I believe in frequency.

I believe in the power of now.

I believe that we can heal ourselves if only we know how to use that healing power we possess.

I believe in walking barefoot on the grass and that's where we reconnect to nature. 

I believe that we create our own peace.

I believe in kindness.

I believe that above all, love is the most powerful.

I thought I was an irregular individual with an overworking mind. Then I met people who speak the same. Who believed at some point they understand what I was saying.

I was a victim of ridicule. Gossip. Though I also enjoyed sharing with gossipmongers. I was bullied. I was intimidated. I was maligned. I was debased. And those I thought was who I also am. Was. And again was.

I ended my realtionship with my 10 year marriage. I entertained people who I thought were my equal. I accepted the treatment. Abused. Betrayal. Then I turned my back from people who I looked up. They even casted their stones at me in judgment. They were clean and immaculate and entitled to throw spites. 

I tracked my route.

Alone.

I learned to meditate.

To feel the silence.

I started looking after myself. 

I shed off excess body weight which one of those reasons that weighed me down. It wouldn't be called excess for no reason. 

I became a vegan straight for one year. I ate meat but only chicken and fish. Those who can't let go of their lifestyle couldn't take my way of life. They called me insecure. Obsessed with getting slim. It seared the pride I had but they didn't know the whole story why. 

I tamed the ego.

It didn't matter if it's on the floor lying still with so much blood as long as I know, it's not part of who I am. 

Ego feed on us giving us notion and belief it's who we are. 

Ego is not us. It is our false self. 

I reached my desired body weight. Underweight then and a friend told me to build my muscle. I did. I ate red meat and other protein sources yet I only could take some. My stomach already sunk and acknowledged food in minimum. 

Meditation was a struggle yet I had to do it everyday.

Breathing exercise is also a form of meditation.

I continued to walk the path laid down before me. I then tried fitting in the group of people who I pinpointed with strong personalities because I too thought I would fit in. Ego again.

Until another betrayal. 

Another gavel stroke.

Another judgment.

People didn't hear my story but they casted their stones again. 

They were those laundry dried. Cleared conscience. Strong opinionated individuals. Judges. 

And another era in my life where I learned to love myself even more. Enjoying the silence. The no need to please everyone. The honest talks with myself. 

I kept mum about my own narration. I guess I do not have to explain myself to those who would never understand. 

At first, it was so weird to walk alone. Again. But the crown didn't fall off my head. I have it, in peace, in whole piece. 

Above all probably, what I am most grateful for is going to bed and rising up with peace of mind. I can look at my reflection in the mirror and I can give the most genuine smile to a person I am. 

Karma had spoken to me. I had my share. My previous words and actions ricocheted. I suffered. I accepted. I moved on.

I am living now minding my own business. If I don't have better words to say, I will shut up. No need for defenses. 

I don't have to force my worth to anybody because for those who are true to me, explanation is not needed. 

I am working on my judgments. My thoughts are easily pricked and I can strike the scythe easily.  I'm working on it. I will be there next. 

I was built on a shaky ground. I was given enough choices and those options I picked, despite not the supposed alternative but it was on my palms nonetheless. I was cut to traverse that peak for me to slide down the valley to where peace resides.

I didn't regret failed relationship, they made me whole. They gave me enough visions of what really love is. 

In friendships, I have a few. Those souls who knew the pain I went through, the choices I made and the pit where I fell but they were there. Handed down the rope of support. Pulling me up some more. Laughed at my mistakes yet patted my back and supported me all the way. 

True friends are so rare and you will only recognize them if you believe in soul. You feel them through vibrations not tangible stature or wealth or display of authority.

True love, I understand now.

There is no shortcut. No direction. It will cross my path once it needs to be.

I was weird.

I am weird.

And I will always be. 

Because that's who I am. 

Vision

It's not always easy to be the person who is last to know. 

To play deaf and blind even if you know what's really happening but you have that ability to just let it go but then you appeared naive to some and even thought of, as stupid or worst coward.

If it's cowardice to let go of all those childish retorts from other people. Those who heard something and misquoted you and there was no clarification that followed but judgment and malicious partakes instead. Like you feel the stolen glances from people. The unspoken agreement and judgments. 

You feel the intensity. You feel maligned. You have the urge to rebutt. To defend yourself. Your mind is telling you stories of what have beens and assumptions of what went wrong but then, you keep your mouth shut. 

This is no difference to a 16 year of friendship you turned your back from. This is only few months of pleasing a person who played the role of Mufasa, the king. The green monster was awakened again and the story rolled in redundancy and you were disturbed. Few minutes. Few days. But the peace never left you and you were still gifted with lullabys even if the outer sphere is chaotic. 

You know the core of this drama. But then the monster has ate up so much that it caused havoc and it continues to crawl to skin of weaker founded walls. Waved. Wobbled. Cracked. Damaged. Sad, wreaked.

It seems it has never reached a wise man's ears or someone who could stood up for you and stop the damages the foul mouth is causing. 

Somebody had spilled the beans and wrongly spelled the bean. And as long as there are ears who love gossip and sing praises to idols, this will continue to erode and flaw the tranquility of small minds.

This is not the first of this case. Before you were denounced, you walked on the alley of beauty queens, you also unknowingly given the diadem of naif and you fought like a soldier for Mufasa, remember?

During a war with creepers you were a loyal soldier who carried the scepter of the king and sniffed his fart all the way until you were lashed by the same scepter you once enjoyed the weight. 

In this world, do not assume of loyalty. 

Everybody uses everybody. 

Until you finally recognize what ego is. 

For now, deal with the chaos.

Deal with the gossip.

Deal with peabrains. 

Next time, vulture will take over and the table will turn, to Mufasa's reality. 

To Mufasa's awakening.

To Mufasa's gag. 

To Mufasa's healing. 

Namaste!