My Story to Tell

I had caged myself for so long hoping against hope everything would be as sweet as romantic films. Then reality dawned on me, I couldn't change anybody. 

I left not because of some whim or I just wanted to have my freedom back. I left because I deserve the life away from misery. 

People talked and they are continue talking. Nobody knows the whole truth, not even those people I have shared some of those sufferings. I tried secluding my kid from what I have gone through in my current location now. 

I am happy and never happier when I escaped from the comfort of my 10 year dwelling.

I made decisions, major decisions and I do not dwell on regrets anymore. My predicament taught me that I can not simply rely on anybody. Friends, indeed, come and go and if you can not offer them comfort, they would leave. I opened up my self to new friends, new life and the confidence that I will be standing up with a victorious smile next.  

2013 has been good for me despite all the challenges, I received plenty of blessings and I gained a lot of new friends.  My first few months were not so good to talk about but just the same I want to spill the bean as not to bringthis to 2014. 

We started off from scratch. No fork. No pillows. No blankets. What we had were our clothes from Manila we had freighted. I had money in my wallet from lending and from my relatives. One humbling experience. I didn't mind starting off despite I had two other mouths to feed, my kid and my yaya. 

We got a place. A nice place but when money started depleting and we had limited supply of food, I decided to bring my kid and yaya to my mom's place. I didn't think. I let go. (This is the first time I cried when I recall everything)

When we escaped from Manila, fear was eating me but Red, a very good friend told me that I shouldn't let a single tear fall. I have to show my kid that she made the right decision of choosing me because I was strong. But then again, somewhere in the domestic airport, I collapsed and good thing, Red was at the other line. I never had the chance but 'thank you'. 

I have plenty of friends. A lot of them but when I was on the process of crossing the bridge, I realized, that was my battle. My own.  Few remained but mostly gone.

I lived alone for quite sometime. When I reached home, there was no one to meet me at the door or pat my back or give me a smile. I ate alone. I slept naked. I savored the independence. But the truth, I  travelled in a very shaky ground. I appeared strong because I have to. I lost weight not because of choice but because I have to tighten my belt. When I noticed I was heading to anorexia, it became my choice to continue with losing weight instead, mixed with exercises as to appear toned and healthy. Now, I'm only 113 lbs and a vegan, by choice. 

I met a lot of people who appeared heaven sent and helpful but some of them contributed to my miseries. But I have a few who I decided to maintain a spot in my life. 

I continued my journey until I started fitting in. I anchored somewhere. And I know I have a very good kick off.

Happiness is a state of emotion and it will always be a decision. I intend to stay happy, regardless. 

My life is not easy but I continue with my journey. 

I already declared that 2014 is a very good year for me. I already had 2011, 2012 and 2013 as the big bad 3s. I won't allow another year of misfortune. 

Presently, I am happy. It's not all smiles but with those pains there are equal moments to cherish. 

I have to tell my story. 

This is just a glimpse of it. 

Be with me as I leave the past behind, totally.

Happy Soul. Happy Heart.

Betrayal will always cut us open and leave us in fragments.

That's why I never called anybody my best friend eversince I was a child. I didn't have any. There were some but I didn't want to call them my own. 

As a child, I was always afraid of rejection and I loathe betrayal, in any form. 

I lowered my defences recently, calling somebody the best among my friends. Behind my overthinking mind, I succumb to the fact of going after the bandwagon of pairsome and relationship. But now I am in limbo thinking I did the wrong move. 

I have friends from my elementary years, they knew how clumsy I was and my frustrations, my disappointments and young heartaches. They were those who have the glimpse of who I was, running lame and filthy. Those were hidden from my friends I have created bond in high school. Different from those friends in college. And far from those who I met along the way I consider colleagues. 

We are a multi-faceted personality. People may have an access to who we are but not the whole maybe. I believe, how you sell and project yourself are those personalities you want designated people to see. 

And mind you, that is known to be, a privilege not your right.

I have so many peaks and troughs in my life. I have chose people to come near my core. Other friends call me, an open soul. Once I felt a person's sincerity I didn't dwell on whatever motive s/he has. I always believe in conscience and karma and however they use the information they got from my naivete, I don't care. 

Respect begets respect. Kindness bears kindness. I grew up to be a pleaser and because I'm always sincere with how I deal with people,I don't see the point of being so judgmental. 

People attack other people based on perception. I always give chances, regardless what it brings. 

I just realized, there will always be barrier to people you want to call your best buddies. I have allowed some but probably I really have to segregate them according to colors. 

I have been to places where culture varies. Different smiles. Different eyes. Different outlooks. But commonly, I always wanted to belong. 

Above all, I started to create a hurdle and I called that respect. 

One square, move back. 

That's the respect you can give me.

You just don't know me at all because I myself is still looking for my purpose.

Fragment by fragment, I will be whole.

And from where I stumbled, I am standing up firmly and telling the world, bring it on! 

This time, I am using all the area of my brain not the softness of my heart anymore..

But then again, naturally, I am a happy soul. 

And pursuit of my utmost happiness is on top of my list.

Relationship in any form, once your eyes show me respect and sincerity, I have my left hand open but my right will be cognizant, this time..

Again and again, I say this, happiness is a state of mind and I am stuck in this moment that I am happy, regardless my heart bleeds because of cuts and bruises. 

My heart is same size of my fist maybe but my desire to be a good person is bigger than the entire system. 

I will be whole, in no time. 

SELF-ACTUALIZATION

Been meditating for a week now yet I have not perfected the total calmness and silence. I realized I have a multifaceted life. Kaleidoscope. Chasm. Good that I have pulled myself back together before I lost totally to the hollow of a dark pit.

Based on the teachings of how to meditate, you really have to free yourself of any qualms, anxiety and worries before you start your meditation. If you intend to meditate and focus on something like work, love, health etc, you have to reconcile with that thought before shutting down your senses to silence. You can not achieve total oneness to your being if you have your conscious mind still open with your closed eyes. Big no!

That's what I was saying, earlier. I did prepare for the meditation. I freed my mind of any aberration and yet, my awareness of the outside world swept me away from the abyss I was trying to walk through.

Shut the thought down. Focus on your breathing. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 and back again to 1. Count the inhale, exhale as one. Lock your eyeballs to something like a white circle, blue whatever. Your mind will always play trick on you. All geometric lines will visit your closed lids. That's why it is also advisable to have eye covers. If you can totally collapse everything to silence, purrrfect!

My first few meditations were guided. Mostly guided.

One most helpful is the sleep meditation where you will be set to slumber. Your consciouness will be closed to any distractions including noises except for the voice guiding you throughout the meditation. Use earpiece by the way. Submit yourself fully. Relax and let your subconcious take over.

Subconscious is the record keeper of our mind. Everything is stored in it including what is not spoken. All the thoughts, actions and feelings you have on your conscious state are stored on your subconscious and this guided sleep meditation interact with it.

At first and for beginners, we need to be piloted. Read. Research or watch videos regarding meditation. Perfecting oneness with your whole being will really take some time. Long time probably depends on how you put up with your purpose.

Be patient.

I have done this everyday since last week.

One short in the morning, 10 minutes.

Set your alarm.

Put music or find a quiet place or find a natural source of sound, water, morning breeze, birds chirping whatever is available. There are so many available meditation music and sounds on Youtube, explore it.

But do not start meditation with empty or full stomach. It might also cause some interference. Feel and fill your body's need before you begin.

I do another meditation in the evening, 2 hours after dinner. After my 30 minute exercise. I do 20 minute of silence. Breath in and out. Focus. Be aware of the complete element of your body.

It helps made me calm. I am more aware of my self now. I have to perfect total silence yet but this abeyance is already an achievement. Even monks have difficulty starting so I am not a failure.

Through meditation you will realize that you are special as everybody else. You will respect yourself more. And you will acknowledge you are not inferior to anybody. That beyond self image, you know who you are.

Gradually, you will be aware that the energy you have spent living in this world is not futile. You might think of some bad occurence and consequences but they are part of the whole process. That element has traveled the whole universe. You still have exuberant time to haul yourself back together and be the ace that you have yearned to be.

And when you discover that you have power within you, jump start and be fueled to start anew.

New life.

New you.

Living one day at a time.

BEYOND

Everybody experiences a holding moment. It may be a heartbreak from a romantic relationship. A death of a loved one. A loss of a very important possession. Or simply, a hollowness. There are several articles to help cure this anxiety. To bridge this gap and to totally release yourself from this bondage.

More often than not you are not aware that what holds you is your own mind. Belittling yourself. Believing this moment is what you really deserve. But no! Harnessing your potential and focusing on your gifts can help you free yourself.

It's hard.

It sometimes carries you to a long journey.

Self help books and articles are recommended.

Talking to your friends. You don't need a lot, you just need to have three to five trustworthy friends and you are done.

Let go of what is holding you. Cry. Laugh. Be merry. Always think that this is your moment not anybody else's.

Finding yourself from the world takes sometime. You simply go on with the flow. You abide with what is norm and what is a must. You act base on what other people think you should do. You tend to blend with the shape the world has set for you. Even this, free yourself from this hold. The world should not use you, use the world same as using your brain to your advantage and not the other way around.

Try to have a quiet time for yourself each day. Minimum of 5 minutes. You can have up to an hour and enough depends how you tolerate silence. It helps. You are one with the whole elements and atoms of your being. You will be aware of your inner self.

Gaining inner peace is not easy. It surely will take sometime. Outside forces will surely hold or hinder you achieving this but you should start now or else you will never have your time.

Try with the affirmation meditation. I did and it really helped. This is not about religion but being at peace will surely enhance your praying skills and unknowingly you have created a new relationship with God. Loving yourself more will open your soul to the beauty beyond your physical eyes could see. As you journey with sharpening your skills, you tend to understand coincidences deeply.

That holding moment will be released and you will realize, it really happened and you have to let it go and you have to move forward. Being stuck does not mean forever. It is just for a moment, and that moment relies on how you define it, literally.

Anytime, whenever you are alone. Give yourself a few quiet minutes. Close your eyes. Focus on your breathing. Lock a target and take a deep breath. In and out until you master your sphere.

Deepak Chopra teaches to maximize your time. Divide your time to 24 hours. Sleep, meditation, exercise, work, lunch, short meditation, work, dinner and if possible 6-8 hours of sleep. Routine, yes, but what is the very essential of it is giving yourself the silence you deserve. The world offers a lot of distractions, recreations and entertainments. Either you go with the flow or be left behind. Regardless, how technology evolves, maintain the peace you have with yourself and no one could take out that space.

Love yourself.

Focus on your potential.

Center yourself beyond self-image.

Work on your peace of mind.

Soon you will be holding the moment not the moment to hold you.

KINABUHI

Sa daeayun nga pagpainu-ino ro daea-ura nga nagtakop sa pagpanumdum nahuyop it hangin. Nadaea sa kung siin pwede maw maghigop pa it mga kaibahan ag magbusdak it uean. Sa akon nga ginatindugan, mayad eon ru inadlaw ag uwa eon ako it mabahoe nga dueom nga nag-eandung kakon it mabuhay.

Ro kabuhi it tawo mahimutang mo nga matsa hampangan eang. Uwa ka kasayud kung asta san-o o kung basi pag-eubog it adlaw masamad eon ag ihaboy eon lang.

Namasyar ako sa daeanun nga kung siin may mga nagabaeabag nga mga higku ag mga gakueapot nga eapuk. May una pa nga kumunoy nga nagbira kakon paidaeum. Kabuhay ra akon nga pagpamuyot sa mga pwede ko kapyutan. Ra akon nga painu-ino nadueman ag nagpasugot ako nga huypon eang it hangin hasta makaeab-ut ako sa maea nga eugta ag igtu ako kaginhawa it madaeum.

Sa kaabu-abu nga akon nga gina-agyan. Kaeab-ut man it pueo nga dag-on bago ako kabugtaw sa madaeum ko nga pagtueog sa eugban sa punta gid it kumunoy. Abi ko, ratu eon ru akon nga kabuhi nga daehun hasta ako magkauban ag pagtae-tae it akon nga ngipon sa ang ngislo. Ru puno nagbunga eon ag napuslan nga katu isaea pa eang ka busoe nga kalbo. Ginhaboy eang sa tubi ag nagtubo nga makarun inugpukan eon lang.

Bukon it madali paghingabot makabuyot sa higot para makasaka eang paibabaw. Kabulig ru hangin nakaeab-ut gid ako sa daeanun kung siin maea ag may mga hilamunon ag amorseko.

Kung ako nagtuman eang sa ginsugo it mga magueang, uwa ta ako nagtaeang it akon nga daean. Abi ko katu hay tungod mabahoe eon ako makatindog eon ako ag tama eon ang utok. Pero saea gali. Sa tanan nga ginahambae it mga may uban, puro ngislo ag buktot, may kamatuuran.

Ru kabuhi, uwa gatapos nga pirde ka. Ro kabuhi gahambae kimo, musyon ay may hin-aga!