The Price of Peace

I always know for a fact that everything starts in the mind. The way your day goes, begins in how your thoughts run upon waking up. Though probably sometimes, you woke up disoriented and you have to link your current to what happened the other night. Good thing? I say, yes!

When I was younger, I had aimed for a dreamless nights but how could I when all the fears of the past and worries of what to put on the table the next day kept me away from that state? And before the sleep wrestled me finally, there were those thoughts of to do list the next morning and I woke up feeling lethargic and didn't want to leave the bed even, because, it would be another torturous day to deal with. 

And then when I descended from the stairs, there magneted on the fridge's door were bills and disconnection notices. My helper was sitting on the dining area with a long face and opened her mouth to complain that the fridge was empty or the landlord passed by and reminded the house rental. Like everything were pouring out of the hanging imaginary pail above my head. 

Good thing, I had a car to keep me mobilized going to work and the next dilemma would be, parking payment or lunch but both are pathetic excuses, I had work and that was what mattered the most during that time of crises. 

And then I got to deal with peeople with the same stories or even worse. And I just looked up at the ceiling and mouthed thank you. Yeah I was grateful, it might be shitty but I was surviving.

Until I realized, my complains didn't help at all. And I changed gears.

One momentous day, I challenged myself not to mouth or even think of any complain for the next 24 hours of my life and I watched what could be the changes it would benefit me. 

Well, no miracle happened. No magic. No apparitions. Nothing.

Except..

It gave me peace of mind.

I didn't curse anyone. I allowed cars to cut me, that was 3 seconds of my 24 hours anyway. If someone was rude, I let it pass, a judgment appeared in my thought but I suppressed and denied to acknowledge it. The purpose was to remain pure even for one day. We may say, it was impossible, but no! It all started in the mind.

Until I opened myself to change. To shift in perception. To enter the realm of silence and welcomed solitude. 

Books were there to guide. Explaining what was happening. The surrender to what is and those words conveying so much meaning in them. 

And when I shared those insights to some people, they become alienated or I appeared weird to them.

I maneuvered towards a peaceful life. I had several bumps and I let it all pass and I may not have come out clean but I am in the process of getting the most out of it.

Everything starts in the mind. We may be prisoners of our past and we fear every change that appear because we are afraid of the unknown and we just want to live a monotonous life because that's what keeps us sane, familiarity. 

Another prison cell is putting too much worries infront of us, hindering us to enjoy what life brings in every moment and before we knew it, a whole 24 hours or 7 days had passed and our worries didn't solve anything. 

Now that I am in my late 30s, I know what I want but I just allow a little drag because I am sharing my life with someone. 

Change is something not to be feared of. Tomorrow is the day that never comes because when you wake up that's another day to live by. And the day you slept on was not existing anymore. 

Today. 

Now. 

And how you do what you do is all that matters. 

And above all, love.

If you love yourself, you will not allow any mediocrity to take over. When the moment comes that you have to face that adversity, seize the moment to do it right. If you cannot change it, accept the flaws and move on. 

Money is another matter. 

It seems it makes the world go round nowadays but money is just a number and number never ends, if it takes money to be happy then Bob Marley is right, your search for happiness will never end. 

I too was victim of this, at times, I still do, but it's all a matter of perspective. 

I do not live in any label or expectations, I live according to my own terms. Sleep dreamless and wake up like brand new, unless I allowed negativity to creep in and that's another story to tell. 

Peaceful living is not about detachment per se, it is being in harmony with everything and not putting labels to anything. Detachment is putting your heart to your present moment and how you do things. Living in your now, not in the past nor in the morrow. 

Peace. Oh priceless!

I AM WRITING

And I am writing.

Again.

I did, most of the time but mostly on the back of the current notebook I am using. Honestly, I have plenty of them. Whenever my eyes laid on something which the cover piqued my interest, yeah! I buy on impulse but I never rued one bit of that decision, to have my hands on those notepads and notebooks. They are the silent witnesses of the crazy world I live in.

The line is taking too slow to be served but this gave me a chance to read book and now, writing something out of an ordinary Tuesday. I looked at every face in the bank and posting question on the air on every forehead of each human being present, "what is your story? Can you be my protagonist? One of the passersby? Antagonist?" I believed every man has a story to tell, albeit, not all is given that much thought by a writer.

I am writing another novel which I already claimed to be finished before Valentine's day. Not because I have exuberant dinner date or something, I just want to submit this for an editor to read on or trash, who knows.

But yeah, I am writing again but unlike before, I've gone primitive just like how this dream started. I bought spiral artistic notebooks made of 60% recycled paper pulp and soybean printing ink used for the lines. Also, I am using .4 ball point pen and all set. I knew from there this writing will not cause burden on our environment.

I stared blankly at the spaces on the pads, like they were mocking me for having thoughtless concept. I never had a plot before. I just wrote groping from memories that glimpse of idea which passed by. It wasn't even pre-conceived, I wrote according to the kick on my gut that yeah I have to write it down.

Presently, I prepared for this. Had the inspiration when I argued with my significant other about happiness and consciousness and I took my phone and wrote the synopsis. No ellipsis, only period.

I am writing. They said you don't have to write complicated ones but what does google stand for if you cannot browse everything, or, there are still the presence of public libraries which has been my harbor for knowledge since I started reading.

I will be pushing right through a sharpened point, I will finish the story even if I'll grow callous on my middle finger again. Writing on the phone or writing on papers has no difference, at all. The ideas flow from one source. And I intend to pour out wisdom and decency this time.

I am not writing because I want to make a living, I am writing because that is who I am. Writing has been a lamentation of my soul. And if I continue denying this ability, I might cease to exist.

I am writing sans reticence because if I will, I will be lodged in a blank space and hollowness which will drag my soul to deep grief and I'm not sure if I can be able to step out.

I live because I need to write and I write because that's how I live.