GOODBYE BULLIES

I was a victim of bullying.

Have you ever experienced being humiliated by someone? Made fun in front of your classmates or friends? Or maybe, you hid inside a cubicle of the comfort room in fear of some people because they distress you or causes you an unexplainable discomfort? Or probably, you refused to go to school because you were threatened by someone to face his mother if you won't pay the amount you owe him which in truth he bought snacks for you in order to get your attention? Or... and the list is endless. Bottom line, there are different forms of bullying and we may think this only happens in school, well, think again. it happens everywhere and age is never a boundary.

On the streets. Catcalling is one form of harassment and it is bullying. Sometimes, men who are fond of doing catcalls, interpret their actions as something they are giving compliments, or appreciative of a woman's body. Maybe, some women would love that and take it as something like a stress-relief or they would feel desirable. But hell, no! Most men do that with one reason in mind, to get weak women's attention, or, expecting a springboard  which  will encourage them to fornicate or at least they could fantasize; Or, getting laid. But being one of those women who gets harassed with catcalling, I am blowing my whistle, that is bullying! I realized, most men to this with several reasons.

1) Catcallers cover up their mediocrity by inflating their egos especially if some friends are around

2) Usually from some constructions workers when they see women crossing the street

3) Those who are unemployed and deal with their nagging wives, they tend to make up wounded egos through bullying others especially women. Yes go back to item  #1

In the community. We have neighbors that tend to spread malicious rumors about us. One wrong information and it spreads like wildfire with so much spices and garnish on top and the panderer washes her hands once the table is turned and there will be confrontations. Bad news, even if we settle the issue, people will keep talking because a lot are hungry of other people's miseries to cover up their own. Our slanderer neighbors are also a member of the bully organization they have not signed up for yet but they are honorary members. Some reason bullies in the community exist:

1) They live a miserable life and tend to hover over neighbors and be glad if you mirror their hellish life because that way, they will have scapegoats expecting to hide their own

2) You possess a life they want which they will never have, the worst they can do is to put stain on your name and hope others will not find you interesting and if people show desire to come near you, these bullies have prepared stories to tell with smeared and dents to your immaculacy

3) They will try to uncover your secrets inorder to hide their own, see #1

In our home. Some of bullies wear identical rings like ours. They are people we got married to. We promised to be with in sickness and in health, till death.. No! No! Some of these people have either Oedipus or Electra complex, they are those who prefer their parents over you as a partner or allow their parents to malign you at home. Who doesn't want to leave their home and build your own but rather to stay and breastfed by their moms. (Just Kidding!) But near to that effect. When you try convincing your partner, the parents will fabricate stories about you and before you know it, the neighbors knew already, churchmates prayed for you during one of their prayer meetings, colleagues of your in-laws have heard about it and when you get to meet them, they have that funny looks on their faces. And all those times, your partner kept mum about it or maybe, applauding your torment. And when you aired your emotions, he started his homily on a mid-week until your ears bled, your heart pounded with heartache and your feet were on fire you want to kick him straight to his face and yes! Yes! He even quote verses from the bible about marriage. Not all bullies love battery, some of them hide under the name of their religion but we cannot deny the fact that some men get their strength from turning skin tone to black and blue and they are the same bullies on the streets.

In the organization. Is this familiar? Yes! A lot of us may complain about the company we belong and the next question is, what keeps you there? Why the hell do you need to suffer? Or is it because the compensation is good, you cannot let go? Or you were made to believe, it is the best organization you've got? Or you think there is no life beyond this point? Or should I say, your superior tells you, you're no good? That no other company will accept you because you are not good enough? I will be taking a turn, do you have bosses who threatened you not to sign up your allowances if you don't give in to what he's asking from you, which is unethical? Or you need to deliver this much before he allows your leave? Or did he ever ask you why are you still in the organization when you are not hitting your target anymore? Like, how good you were before was not even in the history? Sad! Truth is, wherever we belong, we have varying perspective. We know our rights and we can always exercise legalities. If you think you are being debased, elevate your concern to individuals who only look after employees welfare. Few things why bullying in the organization exist:

1) Bullies are once bullied

2) Napoleon Bonaparte syndrome

3) Power gets to their pea brains 

4) Fly landing on a carabao's horn assumes he's bigger than it's host

5) They never have their own voices in the organization because see #1

In the workplace. And this is where my story starts. When I thought that people are all good. That I looked at them as pure souls and fair individuals. I was new in my area of assignments. I didn't know anyone except those people who were in my company. I felt the animosity from others at first as I questioned why? I tried telling myself probably because I was new, but I ignored the thought  since my goal was to get acquainted with my customers, not them who were like me, mere employees and who were at the rat-race. As days went by, the psychological need to belong and the theory of belongingness by Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary was tested and yes, I took off my shield and tried fitting the circle of those people who called themselves, seniors! And of course, as my ego had put it, I am a senior in my field. I have gained this and that and so I fit in! I belong! Or so I thought!

Yes at first! When those people were trying to test the water. Am I deep or someone who lacks depth? Am I an empty drum or someone who could highlight the size of their brain? I was successful of getting in. I got involved with their other profession, gossip monger. Like you have to sit there for hours waiting for the next client and out of nothing else to talk about, (most of them don't read) so they talk about exciting topic! TADAA!!! People! Worse, people we know. Worst, people who were just a floor away from us or those who were not around.

Have you felt a sense of relief when you are one of those people? Like it's so comfortable to speak the same language. You conformed with their standards. Like, you think your back is covered because you are part of the squad?

WROOOONG!

Something had gone amiss. It seems, sugar was poured in the mixture instead of salt. Oil to water. A pain in somebody's neck. Yes, I was doomed!

It was really a fire in the hole! It was a mess. Somebody spread a malicious story twisted and edited and yet this person believed the messenger. Worse, I was informed but I wasn't given airtime to tell my story. I was even insulted and offended. Worst, the story spread, just like what happened to community rumors, like wildfire. The messenger was secluded and was never mentioned after-which. The offended was on his defenses and embraced the role of the victim and delivered juicy scuttle-butts. The usual floor become silent when I passed by. And then people started avoiding me. I knew there were stories but I never heard one. I wanted to defend myself but I didn't know where to start. People looked at me in a funny way, with smirks on their faces. Some talked to me though but it was either short or just a second thought and they, too, checked their backs. Then, I knew, I never had friends, why? Because no one defended me in my absence.

Walls have ears and news have wings. People heard the stories. Someone was so concerned that she told me tales that were passed around. It was humiliating. I wanted to talk to some people but I saw them with gavels with them, they only lacked the gown and they would resemble judges parading with their spectacles and microscopes. Was I afraid? Yes! I never thought I would be able to survive that apocalypse. For those months I was at their scrutiny, they talked about the way I dress up, my figure, brands I used, my face,  finances, my kid, my defunct friendship with people they don't even know, my previous life in Manila--which also they didn't hear about except for two lines from one chapter of my life story, how i dealt with relationships, and the list was long. The funny thing was, assistants in the area heard about the stories and who knows how they used that, those who didn't even know me, or talk to me, or who know me by name and that's it. There were even posts on social media, with customized settings, probably, to hide the posts from their clients who also happened to be mine, because, somehow that would show what kind of blabbermouth they are. Yes, the bully created an army, she had allies. 

There was no rebuttal during the catastrophe. I didn't argue. Not even to clear my name. I feared going out and go to the location where I knew bullies flock together. They were mean people who talked so loud or laughed in unison just to let me know there were plenty of them. And yes, they have delivered their message across, I feared their numbers. I worked even on weekends just to cover up those times I missed to call a customer on weekdays. I even deviated my itinerary just to avoid the herd which seemed to follow through one another. I even memorized their car plate numbers just to stay away from them. My heartbeats weren't normal whenever I saw them and that person in particular. But all stories ends and ours did.

Yes there was forgiveness but how could one forget such a traumatizing event that consumed me for 6 months. 

All aspects of my life suffered tremendously. My attention was called during a business review. I was doing my usual work but I wasn't doing the extra mile. Emotionally, professionally, financially, mentally.. Name it!

And then I thought everything was okay, but there were people who were not happy to how things turned out. How could they? They have contributed one or two story lines that made the whole novel. The stories were rehashed but the table was turned this time, The topics were the stories my bully had spread. There was even this story, one time one person wasn't around and my bully sent a lengthy personal message to this particular person's messenger, telling lies covered with lies and lies. And so, my ego was stirred, again. My bad! I should have avoided re-associating with anybody. Worse, I learned who the messenger was. Worst, she, she was a narcissist. A new height to psychology which is commonly portrayed by bullies. 

That was the last part of their story in my life and then I let go. I became civil, even if,  my knees still turns goo whenever I see them.

Why am I telling this? This is history. Why do I need to rehash the story altogether? One thing, bullying doesn't only take place in school or with students, this happens everywhere. I wasn't that strong, but circumstances made me the toughest person now. I even questioned my sanity before, why did I allow someone to bully me around? To give these people the power over me? I even asked God why does a blustering browbeating person exist?

How about if a victim didn't recover? How about if depression crept in? How about if necessary measures were made and there was a report on behavior? Or a civil case was filed? How can person face her son/daughter when her child asks her, what is bully? Who are gossip monger? Or what if your child asks you, "Can you earn income from backstabbing?"

I am not from that place, I lived in that location alone due to work assignment, my family was not with me and I got to see my daughter once a month, my significant other is far. Whereas, disparingly, my bully is from that place. She works in that location and she's a locale. Her family is with her, she gets to hold her child every chance she gets. Her significant other is with her. Why did she have to be so mean? Or is it because there are really those who are habitually cruel to others who they thought are weaker? Or.. you tell me.

My only weapon, I can write. And I am sharing my story because I feel obligated to impart this incident for five (5) reasons:

1) To let weakling know that bullies feel strong because they think they have allies

2) Avoid this kind of people because if you appear lame, you are the best person to feed their superiority 

3) They disintegrate when they are ignored

4) If it's disturbing your peace, do not hesitate to take a detour and cut lines from happiness vampires

5) Buy books and bury yourself during idle time rather than get associated with this kind of people 

I am still grateful for everything. For all the challenges because they were mere instruments to my circumstances and here are the lessons I learned from 3 years of living alone with bullies in my periphery.

1) What won't kill you, will make stronger.

2) Reputation is what people know about you and how you display your labels, character is who you are when nobody's watching

3) It's okey to walk alone, you don't have to please anybody

4) Always remember who you are and noone will tell you who you should be

5) Believe that God keeps challenging you to grow

6) This too shall pass

7) Keep moving forward

8) Always be grateful

9) It costs nothing to be a decent human being

10) Be kind

 Wrapping up, do not allow bullies run your life. We cannot control what's happening around us but we are always responsible to how we react to stimuli. God provides the circumstances for us to grow and be enlightened but it is always up to us how we respond to every challenge.

I am not proud but I was a victim of bullying and I denied their power over me when I started loving myself more.

LIMITLESS

As a new beginning unfolds, I am fully geared up once more and fearlessly facing the unknown. I made a big decision which will really change the whole course of my life. It isn't easy but I know deep down, I am heading to where I should be.

I was confronted by a fork road several times. Given to choose from a red or a blue pill. I was tossed in hot water, once or twice. I was burned to third degree but those circumstances strengthened my armor some more. It was like standing with a sling but I was able to use a crane kick flawlessly and freed myself from the hold of a laughing vulture. Or, it was like passing through the process of sword making. I was cut and shaped through a forge and hammered to shape. I decided on my own, believed I knew what I was doing yet my insides were weak and gullible. I was always pushed around which I had allowed. I was hammered and heated, repeatedly. Until I came out sharp and deals with the world in a double edged sword, I can be both sagacious and reserved.

Throughout several circumstances that came my way for the past 4 years of my adult life, I learned and relearned that you should love yourself first and that would always, always entail self-respect.

I was always given options yet instead of tracking the right path, I went left. Taking a blue pill rather than the red and it has been a waze kind of tour. Whenever the app gives you the highlighted route you take another but waze follows through and provides another option or two, yet it's always up to us if we want to rely on the app or treat it as a background noise instead. It will always be up to you, up to us!

I tried fabricating relationship with strangers, although not all but most often than not, relationship starts with people who we didn't know before and then the getting to know takes place, the going intimate, the settling of differences, the going to comfortable stage, and then flows to- too much familiarity and then contempt! Yes, friendship! It's where you put too much secrets openly and everybody devoured like hungry hippos, felt lucky to know you at first until they see you as threat. As someone who walks their dreams or a reflection of what they want and the crack starts. At first it may appear as harmless talk, behind your back, and then it becomes a tirade of malice. And the lashing of backs, and worst, character assassination just because they couldn't reach the bar you have raised for yourself. I learned to forgive, once, twice until I finally closed the store for business. No more, gullibility. No more forgive and forget and then waltz to a dangerous pattern of predator prey relationship again. 

Similarly, it's how you treat yourself to a romantic linkage. How you handle and act towards someone's offering of relationship. At times, you interpret things the way how you want things to end, your fairytale, your happily ever after. But oftentimes, it's your desires that led you to weave out fantasy. Bottomline, you need to be more forgiving with the shortcomings one human being is capable of committing, always, if you intend to build a relationship with a strong foundation. Noone is perfect, if you are looking for a perfect partnership, two imperfect beings will make it flawed. Look at yourself in the mirror, stare at your irises, tell the reflection it is perfectly alright to take off the sheild at times. Happiness is innate, find that peace within and you will exude and radiate that joy, that bliss. Love yourself first and you will receive the love you really deserve, not mediocre, not the after-thought kind of thing. 

Among those lessons and the line up of some more challenges, I am more equipped to deal with the unknown. Usually, the only barrier that strikes is the personality differences. It's up to you if you want your ego bruised or you intend to sear someone else's.

I jumped ship already. It had been 11 years of my life and I knew it's not easy to start anew but I am not afraid. Wayne Dyer said in his 1st book, The Erroneous Zones, "it is not easy to think in new ways. You are accustomed to a certain set of thoughts and debilitating thought that follow. It requires a great deal of work to unlearn all the habits of thought you have assimilated until now. Happiness is easy, but learning not to be unhappy can be difficult." True! We created our habit and our minds were wired to do stuff we are used to. We stick to our comfort zone because that is the easiest. We fear stepping on an unfamiliar territory. But why don't we try this concept, "think back to the time you were learning to drive a stick shift automobile. You were faced with what seemed to be an insurmountable problem. Three pedals but only two feet to make them work." And look! I wasn't borne to a family who has 4-wheels yet I am an experienced driver now. Not an expert but someone I am proud to have become. And yes, I changed my gears, I left the job I was so familiar with. It wasn't easy tendering a resignation but I need to grow. I've grown my backbone and I need to expand my horizon. There's no age limit when it comes to dreaming big. And yes, I learned so much and as I look back, I've gone this far and I am not halting any minute. I learned to slow down but I don't want to stop. There are a lot of things to learn, while the mind is able.

Whatever the situation maybe, think of the busina principle. I was seated at the back and I heard my boyfriend cathechized his friend, who was driving that time, regarding wrong use of car horn, one vehicle cut us from the traffic line, it was swift but our driver blew his horn, as if he could do something about it, I sensed the loud beep was due to his annoyance, and the conversation ran this way: "You shouldn't blow your horn if you have already allowed the car to cut through, useless! Next time, if somebody wants to break the line, don't let him,  you save yourself from getting pissed off and the effort to blow your horn."  

From then on I tried living with the concept.

Some of us are fond of complaining especially about our relationship, family situation and work. With relationship, if it has been habitually draining, and there's chronic pain with the way your relationship works, then get out! If you plan to stay, stop blowing your horn, it becomes nuisance. You think, everybody cares? No!

With family situation, we tend to bring our pain outside of our residence and what does that make us? If it is something permanent, deal with it with maturity. 3 things, accept, let go of pain and move forward. If you make a habit of complaining, aside from disturbing your friends, you are depriving yourself of that peace you deserve. Why not try to control your mind from being antagonized by anything. Look at things as is and do not take everything personally? Stop blowing your horn if it's something you cannot change. Acceptance is the key and everything will fit to what you want for so long. Refrain from complaining for 24 hours and see the difference.

With work, a lot of us moan about policies, about regulations and about the culture in our company and yet, look at you! You are still working with the corporation while gritting your teeth. Do yourself a favor, get out! If you think the company does not contribute to you as a person or to your family's income, by all mean, leave. But while you stay, and you put food on your table from what you earn from your organization, I guess you are obligated to work. To push some more and the company has all the right to stretch you so much more until everything is extracted. That's the reality. We tend to complain about our bosses, about the rules, about everything, but have you asked yourself, how much work have you given to the company? Love your job and be grateful you have one! The company will stand, with or without you onboard. Employees are all dispensable individuals and we are as good as what we have delivered previous year. Current year is your current performance and past is past. Why? Because there will always be people who will be gladly to take your post, and circumstances may vary, but who knows, it's their time to shine!

That's the whole point why I let go of the rein. 

I lived in my comfort zone for some time. I was always prompted with 2 choices and I always picked the one with so much advantage or so I thought because I didn't want discomfort. Now that I am facing two straight roadbeds, I preferred none. I am looking at the roadless route because I know, with all honesty, I can always create the path of my own. Uncompromised and beaming with so much possibilities.