FAITH

Seeing the long and winding road
Telling yourself to go on
You are dragging your tired and soiled feet
Sink to the soft sand and withering grass
You fall on your knees
You struggle to get up
Yet your body deny you the strength
Harrow and anguish 
You weep and lament
Looking at the clear blue sky
Blinding light and scorching heat
You summon your core up
You manage to stand on one leg
A smile softly lingers
You gather yourself up
Just to sink back
Face down to the dirt
Kneeling with hands clasp together
You look up once more
And gaze bravely
At the blazing sun
You move your lips for a few
Tears fall down your tainted face
And a word escape your lips
The audible sound of "Amen!"

FRAGMENTS

SECLUSION

Staring blankly

Seeing darkness

From the corner

Of the secluded tree

I finally understood

The essence of a companion

I should have called up

Someone to borrow his ears

Yet everyone was to his oblivion state

I’d rather sit and wait

Just like old days

If only I made choices

Precisely the way I imagined

Then now I’ll be somewhere else

Singing a melody

And cradled by a Prince,

Who sings the tunes for me.

REVERIE

I maybe small, I maybe plain

But all else I knew are from deep within

I am scarred and raw

Yet wanted to start anew.

I stumbled into a dark filthy alley

Struggled to free from the shame and mockery

I stood up, craning my neck high

No one could tell if I was just hiding a cry.

I walked passed a busy street

Wearing a stiletto of confidence

I smiled timidly and I nodded just once

I was shielded with a fake self-assurance.

If only I didn’t fall back

And consumed all the dust

If only I regarded myself high

And didn’t just blinked and sigh.

I maybe small

But I am not plain

I fight back now

Yet I am still cowardice.

Blinded at a standstill

But I’ll stand on my ground

I’ll be fighting my way out

From the harshness of where’ve I been.

Yet if only I can free myself

From the restrain of uncertainty

If only I can put the world inside my hand

And let butterflies dance to be free.

If only, I can open these eyes to the truth

If only, I can use my mouth to speak

If only, I am capable to fight just like what I’ve thought

But I can not, I am just a delusion.

TAMED

I am a little girl.

A girl who waited for a physical love for so long.
I was never a persuasive girl.
I was tame.
I was patient.
I never argued nor fought back.
I was contented with whatever was on the table and fed myself.
I never question the existence of a simple life.
I played in the meadows.
I run and laugh a lot.
I was brought up just fine through the eyes of simplicity and tameness.
I was cradled through the bosom of plain and uncomplicated life.
Yet when I was on my own, I struggle to break free.
A hole I crawled into was a deep hollow from underground.
I moaned. Screamed and cried out just to get away with that place I thought was everything.
I had scratches all over and grease bath the whole of me.
I stood up on the pavement where concrete walls I saw where very rough to my touch and plain on my cover-less soiled feet and long and too sharp toe nails.
The street was very busy with a lot of walking creatures on two feet and two extra limbs attached to their  shoulders.
Creatures who have two eyes with pointed something on the center of their faces right above their two colored lips.
I touched my own face. Lifting my arms was a struggle enough because there was that stabbing pain all over my shoulder blades. I felt  a very short and fine hair attached to my socket and when I blinked it tickled me lightly. I lifted my limb touching the socket and I was amazed to see five sticks attached to a bone going up to my shoulders. I moved it once, twice and I felt a movement on my face. I touched the part that twitch. I touched a two soft tissue separated from each when I struggled to stretch it.
I gaze back to the creatures passing. They have different faces. Different shades of clothes they carry with them with ease.
I could not fathom the emotions that boils inside the middle part of my body.
Then I saw two sockets.
The whole object approaching me.
My sockets as I felt them were in wide sphere.
Instinctively, my lower limbs dragged me back and I felt the rough concrete wall on my back.
The alien creature kept on approaching me.
I dropped to the ground and balled up as I was accustomed to.
"Hey!" I heard the sound from the strange creature.
I managed to make myself smaller.
I felt something on my shoulder.
I opened my socket for a few centimeter to check what touched me.
It was the creature's one limb with long sticks just like mine which I have noticed earlier.
"Hey!" I heard again.
I looked up and opened my two sockets.
I could see the creature fully.
Wavy cover to the skull. Two separate line above the sockets. Two sockets with strange balls the color of the leaves during spring, a pointed thing below the sockets located on the center of the whole face and two moving thin tissue with white underneath.
I tilted my head.
The creature in front was beautiful as sunrise.
I had always regarded the sun as the most exquisite creation yet this creature...
"Sun?" I heard a hoarse, sing song voice from my two soft tissue.
I managed to put long sticks on that to feel it. It parted as I parted it. It was me who made the sound.
"You okay?" The creature sounded again.
There were a lot of other creatures who had their sockets pointed at us.
Then I heard a screech on the pavement.
A box with two black rounds on the sides.
With glass reflecting the walls.
I saw a creature
Looking back at me.
Wide socket.
Balls the color of the tree trunks.
Long threads of waves.
I carried my limb up to point my sticks to it.
Then the creature from the box's glass pointed back at me.

BOOK REVIEW: FIFTY SHADES TRILOGY By E.L. James

Fifty Shades Trilogy (Fifty shade of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed) is a romance novel, a modern fairy tale discussing eroticism and the power of unselfish love and obsession. The story is very heart warming yet very addictive. Once you start the novels, they will surely promise you a long day, you will never know it's late not unless your eye lids droop effortlessly.

The story started when the Literature graduating student Anastasia Steele subbed for her sick bestfriend to conduct a scheduled interview with a conglomerate, handsomest, rich and bachelor and and one of the youngest successful businessmen in the US, Christian Trevelyan-Grey for their school newspaper. And that started the romance to kindle.

Anastasia is naïve when it comes to serious relationship while Christian had no public information about his affairs which turned out as Anastasia uncovered his secrets. Ana is living with her bestfriend Kate Kavanagh in an apartment bought by the latter’s parents. Ana’s mother has married for the 4^th time and technically she lived independently and supported her studies through part-time work in a DIY shop.  The story was written in Ana’s perspective but EL James had made it to the point that the readers will have a glimpse of what other characters specifically Christian think most of the time through Ana’s inquisitive mind and hunger for information to understand Christian’s personality and lifestyle. The author is very eloquent with the way she had delivered the story lines. There were thoughts-provoking plots and elements which she had successfully bridge everything that you would eventually agree with the conclusions. The novels also stated some classic artists and books you would eventually rummage books and records store to check, or better yet, click on Google search.

The novels discussed how Ana hopelessly fell under the trap of a powerful man. She was introduced to a lot of firsts both romance and sexual eroticism. The description was very vivid that you will be dragged through Ana’s experiences. The love story was very powerful. Christian, 27 years old, after 12 years of being slave of sexual self-gratification and even considered himself as a sadist had finally met Ana who had known romance through the novels she read. Her knowledge about love and relationship were so idealistic that when she fell under Christian’s charmed life, she was overwhelmed.  She was introduced to a lot of sexual pleasures and EL James was very successful with her story telling. Readers will be drawn to inch by inch of the affairs.

The author again was very successful in making the reader feel the right emotions through Ana’s eyes, both moves on the same direction and height.

Ana’s innocence and acceptance for Christian’s fifty shades of personalities had brought her a long way and even charmed Christian to accept that he could be loved and is capable to love her unconditionally. The reasons of Christian’s complexity was graciously laid down through Ana’s persistent and consistent hunger for information and somehow the story telling will really struck readers to sympathize with him and would surely understand why he was so broken and thought himself as apt-to-no-good yet he was very successful in the whole of the United States. He found comfort and release through sex and the journey was tangled up through Christian’s carnal needs and Ana’s love.

It is indeed a powerful love story and you will be back to being a hopeless romantic once more. You will be moved by the power of romance conveyed in every chapters of this trilogy. The author has very well orchestrated a love and eroticism between Ana and Christian that would somehow leave you breathless.

Two thumbs up and 5 stars for Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed and to the author E.L. James.

First Part. Three: Voice

The silence was very deafening and her breathing broke the pregnant stillness.

There were bean size sweats on her forehead and her anxiety for what would occur next was very tiring.

Her muscles were on the edge and she wanted to convulse.

"Wake up Miranda! Wake up!" She pleaded to her subconscious.

There was a shrill laugh bouncing to the four corners of her room.

"You think this is just a dream Miranda! Or a nightmare! No! This is really happening!" The voice was so cold it crept down her spine to her toes.

She looked around and tried to see the creatures that enveloping the darkness.

She remembered that she turned the light on a few minutes ago.

She sat up just to be pinned down back to her bed. There was a jolt of pain on her lower back. The rough wood of her bed must be biting her skin since the worn out thin mattress could protect her the least.

She struggled out from the firm grip to be pressed down some more. She could see a fume enveloping her and choking her out of air. Her eyes stung. Tears were suspended to fall.

"You think you could still escape Miranda?" The voice was bouncing back and forth sounding near and far from her. "It had been 3 years. You were suppose to be here when you were still 16 yet here you are, older than your batchmates. Could you remember what happened 3 years ago, Miranda?" The voice was menacingly frigid.

She shut her eyes. 3 Years ago? she was struggling with poverty then. Filth and garbage were everywhere. She worked callously just to tend 4 hungry mouths. Her aunt succumbed to eternal hollowness and left her broken some more.

Everything came to a stride. She could sense where the voice led her. The memory lapses she had. The gap in her conscious mind. The event that caused her to take another year in high school. The pain. The pit. The darkness.

She screamed.

She wrestled herself out of the unknown force weighing her down.

"No!" She creamed. "You can not do this!"

There was an imperil laugh from wall to wall providing her chills and goosebumps all over.

"You think you can really fight back?" The voice whispered menacingly right next to her ears.

Then she was pulled out of her bunk bed and thrown hard to the wall. She whimpered. She heard a snap from right under her breast. There must be a broken rib. She cried with anguish.

She tried to stand up on wiggling knees just to be knocked down again and she was flown up pinned to the ceiling face down.

Pain vibrated all over her. Unsolicited tears scrolled down from her eyes with beans and beans of sweat.

"You think you will simply get away? You are empty Miranda! You are garbage!"

She couldn't believe why the voice was so full of anger towards her. She was clueless. She had been so conscious not to step on anybody. Meekness and humility were her most treasured virtues. She had fed four young and hungry mouths. She never aimed for fortune but considered coins as wealth already. She avoided looking people in the eye. She was a servant. She just positioned herself to get a degree in college to alleviate hunger from her cousins eyes. A lot of times, people mocked her. Humiliated her. Yet again she denied to fight back.

She was so dumbfounded now what could be the reason of this hatred from someone who refused to be seen. She was helpless. Clueless even of what was happening to her.

Her ribs were broken, she could feel the radiating pain from her chest to her back.

She had metallic taste in her mouth and she realized she was biting the inner of her cheek.

She trembled but she tried to suppress the fear that would somehow knock her down.

She wanted to succumb to hollowness. All her energy were drained from her.

She tried diverting all the pains to one spot and focused all the remaining lame strength she had.

Then she screamed.

She was falling.

Face down to her bed.

She moaned.

Pain pulsing all over her.

It took eternity before the blinding light.

She was confounded for sometime.

A train?

Then there was a hand snatching her from stillness.

"Hey Miranda, right?"

She opened her eyes.

Luke?

FREEDOM

I never thought of how I spent my younger years and if I was contented back then.

I was never denied the fun of being a child. I climbed trees, fell, got bruises, cried, ran and the liberty of being so carefree and ignorant. My parents did not try restricting me my freedom though I needed to be home before 6:00 in the evening.  

I knew I was a storyteller when I was 9. I had this super patient and hungry friend to listen to my stories, different stories every day, describing the characters and the events in vivid pictures while sitting on the side walk near a storm drain. When we turned 11 she had to leave and left my stories nobody to share with. Having all those stories inside my head, I had to drip them down and writing was the best alternative. Then I started writing.

During school time, I tried to excel with my studies although due to limited resources I was just part of the achievers but never topped the ranks.

My primary and secondary education was spent as a shadow of my affluent friends. My father used to tell me to avoid those kids because I couldn’t keep up with their whims provided by their well-to-do parents.

My parents worked as meat vendors in a public market in Kalibo, Aklan though we owned the space it was not a profession that I can brag about. I kept it a point not to introduce my parents to my classmates and friends as vendors but entrepreneurs instead.

My friends, if not having a parent overseas, they have a father for a banker, a doctor or simply born rich. I never thought I was crossing the line my father has invisibly drawn. I never understood his contradictions of the friendship I had with these friends.

My mother spoke less with this situation and I could not argue more. Their words were as solid as steel. Then I thought, it was very unbecoming of them but I tried to understand as much as my young mind could discern.

I never experienced Girl Scout Camping and sleepovers. I never got the chance to go to the movies not unless I got to write a film review for the movie “Schindler’s List” and “Brave Heart” and the rest of the movies I went to were knotted with lies as excuses.

Modesty aside, I was the best in some of the subjects I had in high school. But since I was not used to rivalries and I didn’t give high regard to myself, I shied away from the competition but still ended with flying colors.

As much as I wanted to avoid extra curricular activities in school to spare my parents the expenses, I couldn’t.  Instead of buying camouflage for CAT, my sister borrowed me one from her friend. That was no expense at all. But when I had to attend JS prom, my mother dragged me to the cheap beauty salon and had my brows plucked and my plain face tainted by make up. Whew! I looked like I aged 5 years more but nonetheless; I was so giddy and thrilled!

I knew dance and ball from Sweet Dreams and Sweet Valley books and never attended one so the prom was very promising. Before this dance, I was even turned down by my 1^st cotillion partner and had me practiced alone without any word, good thing another boy caught me before my crystal self-esteem be shattered totally. Yet rejection was something I dreaded to feel again and that started my walls to crawl up.

I lived through high school with just 2 pairs of uniform, 2 pairs of socks and a smiling pair of shoes. I wanted to dance like dance sports and other group dance contest but since I knew most of the hard earned money goes to food I tried tapping to the beat instead and be a spectator rotten on the bleachers.

Instinctively, mothers know what’s best; I was not thinking where to go after high school. I thought I would just be enrolling to the same school.  When I went home one afternoon in the middle of the last high school year, my mother handed me a form. I stared at it for so long. Written in bold: UNIVERSITY OF THE PHILIPPINES COLLEGE ASSESSMENT TEST FORM. There was panic inside me, then! I was so stupefied and the loud voice inside me was shouting on top of my lungs: “Where are we going to get the money?” I was thinking of the travel expenses that we need. We needed to endure a long trip with minimal resources at hand. I got the liberty to choose the courses I wanted. But reality slapped me, I had to pass the UPCAT first.

Some of my classmates who were consistently punching the honor roll were with me. I was not so confident again although I had fun due to the excitement and adrenaline the exam brought. I felt so loved and the confidence my mother gave me was more than enough to make my heart swell and do best in the examination.

My teachers were not so enthusiastic to give me the news that I passed receiving no notice yet. Probably because, I was the least to be considered if they based their assumptions through perceptions. It was my name which really bounced wall to wall. Some of my classmates on the roster of honors were not so pleased. In my batch, only 2 of us passed and another was short listed.

It was so overwhelming. Then the never ending travel back and forth Aklan to Iloilo took place. I never believed, the money spared hidden somewhere was counted laid on the bed to finance my enrolment, dorm and tuition fees.

I was oriented to a new life. Diversified lives. People from different places. Different cultures. Varied languages. And the fear of dealing with some people who held their ranks in the society.

I met fellow students who at their young age knew that they really have places in this society. I was a spectator once again. I eyed these adolescents with awe. When I was in my cocoon, these people have already explored the world, partially if not wholly, should I say.

The real fun of life begun when I was in college. I lived in a dormitory with male and female in coexisting world. I was oriented to the student society of the state’s scholars. I gained friends; I never knew I was capable of keeping. They had pointed my weaknesses and helped me stood on my grounds. I started gaining my confidence which was dormant for so long. I spent my allowances to leisure my parents had no knowledge of. They had held their hands up with whatever path I tracked.

I graduated after 4 years. I tried hard to finish college with a double major degree within 4 years because I knew how my family slashed on their budget intended mostly for food.

I worked my way up. I stumbled. I stood up again to be knocked down when I was 22. Got married, impregnated and gave birth all on the same year, 2002. I knew that I had inflicted pain on my parents  silent hearts but they never questioned my decisions. They gave me that freedom to choose and believed I was using my wit on these.

My friends were frantic back then. Screaming at me over the phone if I haven’t heard of pills. Jeez!

I lived an ordinary life. Peaceful and away from the busy hum of the corporate world.

When my daughter turned a year and a half, a very good friend argued with me over going back to work. I didn’t understand why my friends were making a fuss of me being a plain housewife.  I was obligated to edit my resume and emailed to my friend. Hola! The next day I got a phone call and the next day I was seated across my interviewer. The next day, I got a call that I was qualified for the job and would be starting in the next couple of days. And the drum rolled. All in a week’s time.

After a year I was promoted to man 6 people and my career went on and on.

I was introduced to a whole vast of society. People who worked their ass out to step up the ladder of the corporate world. I was once again, a wood, drifting away. I met the expectations of my superiors although I wasn’t so keen to be consistent. I juggled with my maternal duties and my career.

I bravely stood on my grounds for some of my beliefs. Volatile yet I firmly stomped on solid surface.

I never thought I was so hungry to be patted on the back not unless I had graciously swept the highest citation for a sales representative in our company. I never imagined that a simple recognition would concretize my self-esteem.

Never did I lift my brows just to declare that I was a winner. I was not. Probably because, I still was not sure if I was really that good.

I kept journals with me but I was not so enthusiastic on writing my emotions and tabbed on my daily activities. During the hardest trial in my family last year, when my father was battling lung cancer, I started to blog. Everything. Breaking emotions. Random thoughts.

And I faced the reality that this is what I really want. This is what I really wanted after all these years. I started with a novel, again. After several years, modern this time, I am not scribbling using pens and notebooks but typing words in my laptop. Words. Period. Sentence to paragraph to chapters and to unfolding pages.

Now, I realized, I had an amazing childhood, because the scarcity of resources had led me to be contented with a little of everything. I aimed to excel and to live lavishly but trying to perfect and steady each step before preceding to another path. I feared rejection ever since and I do not have a stable self confidence that’s why I savor every victory that I gain. I post challenges everyday and recollect each day if I have met my own expectations. I weighed my options and carefully made choices.

Sometimes, there were challenges I really couldn’t avoid, but rather dwell on it and watch my self-esteem shattered, I move forward and protect myself with my own walls.

I never wanted to grab the limelight from others as long as they do not rain on my parade. I worked hard to reach the summit of my self-esteem, not on the peak but I am going there, eventually.

Telling you all these, I believe, at a very young age we really have to nurture that self-confidence in us. Circumstances should not hinder us in developing skills and honing our talents some more in order for us to face the challenges of the crazy world, bravely.

I have a handful of dreams yet I have identified these when I already had folded 32 years of my life. I allowed fate to drag me to the pit of the unknown. I lost a  lot of years staying on the margin of the society when I could have done a change on my own precious way. Rejection still bites but I will never move forward if I permit it to nail me some more.

Being young and free will really provide you the unfathomable joy and experience yet if you start to contribute something to the society at an early age, the world will really be a better place.

I read recently that we really have to give a high regard to ourselves in order for other people give us the high respect we deserve. Poverty and circumstances should not hinder us to move forward, fast. My parents were not very good on pushing me to reach my potentials but they have given me enough liberty to explore my inner self and the world on my own. I may deny it, but somehow, they had been a great force that led me to where I am now.

My father’s death has kept the door wide open for me to delve into the opportunities laid on my foot. I just have to make the right choices.

As always, my parents, unknowingly, had given me yet the same immaterial gift.

Freedom.

First Part. Two: Voice

She blinked.

She hastily tapped the light switch to her left to flood the room with the fluorescent light.

She blinked again to adjust her sight and absorb the sudden rush of reality.

She was in her boarding house. In this 4x4 room with two double decked bed and she was lying on top deck of one of the 2 bunk double beds.

She sighed.

This has been so strange.

She recalled, this kind of occurrence only took place whenever there were some disturbing emotions she had.

Such as what happened today.

Luke.

There was a quickening beat of her heart.

She sighed again.

There was one time during her 13th birthday when a nephew of their neighbor tried to pass on her and she was so appalled to experience that tingling sensation. He touched her left growing breast and the surge of emotions she felt afterwards.

When she went home, she felt a strange force brewing inside her.

The boy was a pretty face and the content of the girls' talk in their area. He was 17, then.

Everybody was surprised when he frequently visited her and gave her chocolates and other teeny-weeny stuff.

She was amazed.

Bewildered yet happy.

Then there was some lapses in her memories.

She lost her mind for 6 months or she was told.

No one tried bridging the gap.

She just collected everything from a patched hole on their ceiling to faded shirt she gave to one of her cousins.

The last time she stared at the ceiling there was this hole where you could peer on the sun one eyed and the shirt was still new.

Where did her time go?

When she emerged back to herself, she just thought everything was normal.

She went back to school only to discover it was already another school year and she didn't finish her former year.

Again, no one filled in the gaps.

She has no one to talk to, not even her cousins who seemed so frightened and keyed to move.

Her aunt continued to deteriorate.

There were images coming to and fro her dreams every night.

She struggled.

Usually, she woke up under a sycamore tree, lain on the bed sand under the sea, floating on a misty foam of clouds or sweaty just lying flat on the torn matted floor of their humble hut.

Every day that followed haunted her like a nightmare.

She creamed and struggled.

Oftentimes, no one came to her but when she opened her eyes panting, she could see her cousins were all awake with fear on their eyes.

She would be the one to be comforting instead of to be comforted.

Giving them promises, everything would be fine and she was just having a bad night but it turned out to be nights and nights of unfolding nightmares.

She never knew how to utter a prayer yet she said: "Let me sleep! Let me sleep!" And this had been her mantra every night and true enough as if there was this someone who snapped out the devil and she fell to the deep of slumber.

It took her another 3 years to finish high school.

No friends at all.

House, library, washing clothes, cook, eat, sleep and then she graduated.

She tried climbing the top of the rank but there were already casted to that throne.

Yet, amidst her hollowness, she graduated with flying colors and now she is part of the prestigious school in the country.

Luke!

There was that force again beneath her.

Dragging her from her bed.

She screamed.

First Part. One : Voice

Miranda's heartbeat quickened and she wanted to throw up because of fear. All her life she has been so brave facing everything but facing an unknown enemy is simply pushing her to the edge of her not so dauntless self. Her put ons were lying down on the floor. She could face all the challenges posted on her forehead but not a creepy feeling running on the length of her spine.
She breathed deeply and closed her eyes. She felt a weak courage impending to creep her up.
When she opened her eyes she was facing a very dark alley. She was transported somewhere unfamiliar and she needs to fight back the fear that will somehow cripple her if she permits.
"Hello!" she called. She could hear her own voice squeak.
"Calm down. Calm down." The voice was all over the place, echoing "You need to suppress your fear Miranda. Everyone present will manage to smell that stink"
Shivers down her spine and she wanted to scream and run but she knew it will be futile.
"I do not want fighting out helpless!" She shouted. She was even taken aback by this new bravery boiling inside her. "You will never defeat me! You will never defeat me! I will  never give you a chance to subdue this intrepid. I have perfected this craft and I owe no one!"
Her knees were transforming to Jell-O but she tried as much to face the darkness.
"The darkness is just an absence of light. Not to be afraid of," She could hear her Aunt whispering at her before she succumbed to illness. The time when she was still a child and paid her aunt for an overnight visit. The time when she was yet unexploited of the world.
She concentrated hard and closed her eyes. She counted to ten and opened her eyes abruptly.
She was lying on her bed with total stillness at the confines of her room.
She blinked.