And yet..

I always wanted to learn more. I have the hunger to know everything though I really lack resources. Never did i try imagining myself being one of the famous.Or have tried something people will ever remember. I always have regarded myself as ordinary individual with ordinary life.
I have been so inquisitive. I read available books about everything. Having a teaspoon of everything is not bad. Whenever you came across with a stranger, you have something to talk about. My life in general evolved in the way people see others physically.
You see, I came from a place where they have high regard with appearance especially who are mestiza or mestizo.
(When I decided to start blogging, all the childhood memories I thought I have forgotten where soon rushing like water out of the watershed)
When I was in my Kindergarten, I skipped Nursery and went to Prep instead because of my age. Started school when I was 5 going to 6. My birthday falls to latter part of the year, that's why. I couldn't remember if I have a close friend back then. But I was a victim of bullying. My male classmates would tease me mestizang negra. I was hurt, then. If they call me that name again nowadays, I'll be proud! But then, I knew I was darker than the usual brown color. I was petite. I wore hand me down clothes. I have no confidence and these bullies have even stepped on my low self esteem. I didn't join activities. I remembered, when a boy classmate celebrated his birthday in school and we were told to fall in line to give the boy a kiss, I obeyed but 3 kids before my turn, I returned to my seat and pretended I was finished. Was I ashamed? Freaked out! I tried digging inner feelings I have, I found the answer, i didn't want to see the boy in awful face when I kiss him. See, what confidence can do to you? I graduated in Kindergarten top 5 in class but during graduation rite, I was called 8th. They swapped my name in favor of someone else's daughter. My mother was furious and her complain was in vain. No one heard her. No one cared. I was eyeing those people. And started asking, was it fair? Or there was some mistake?
Elementary days, not even easier. The more I developed low-lying self esteem. I run for office for our student council. Didn't ask my parents to help me pay printing of book marks as my campaign materials. What I did? I traced Mickey Mouse head in a board and cut. Scribbled my name: Vote Richel Lorenzo for Governor! I lost over a schoolmate who was a Singing contest representative. Got zero vote from one classroom. Boy! I was still a fighter! But my confidence was having a storm.
Graduated with flying colors. After the ceremony, my mama never bothered to ride a tricycle and walked home. No congratulatory banner. No food for feast over my victory! I didn't mind. Though, I thought how we celebrated my older sister's graduation with visitors.
Came my high school moments. Started admiring older guys. Got friends who have suitors but I was left as their chaperon. No one cared. Well, that was the time I accepted the words to describe me: plain.simple.doormat.
I topped some of our subjects but whenever competition gets tough I easily shied away. I didn't have parents to boost my ego. To push me some more. They were contented on whatever I gave them.
The worst of all during high school was, when my Prom cotillion partner dropped me for another partner, 5 days before the prom night. Won't you feel uglier than ugly?? Good thing, someone caught me. Some boy who even offered fetching me from home to school. Whaaat? Beggar can not be chooser but I wasn't a beggar! Pride was all I got.
Again, I graduated with honors. No celebration. I didn't give a fuss. My parents were preparing for my college. So I celebrated with my friends instead.
Then College! Wow!
I studied in the University of the Philippines in Miag-ao, Iloilo. I didn't choose any other campus because I knew we can not afford it. Iloilo is 4 hour drive from kalibo, Aklan. Stayed in the coed dormitory.
Freedom. Freedom. Freedom.
Tried smoking. Tried drinking. Got drunk. Got friends who boost and stepped on my confidence at the same time. But that made me stronger. Being in one of the best universities was one of the reasons to be soooo proud of.
Got friends who have confidence on their sleeves.
Hearing compliments from others how I look is way too confusing. Or I just wasn't used to.
But then again, that didn't built my confidence, though it developed a little.
Going head over heels over someone, found myself giggling over the stuff he showed me then dropped the next. I found myself so depressingly ugly.
Then I graduated, single, happy yet insecure.
That's where I developed these feelings that whenever people approach me and tell me how I look, they are all liars!
Not even, when I was awarded as performer of the year built the confidence.
Probably, I will always be that child, in fear of rejection. Now, I'm on my guard to boost my daughter's self esteem.
I don't want her to feel all those feelings haunting me for years.
I maybe perfectly confident parading my facade but my inner self is yet to be assured. I'm torn inside from childhood.
Good thing, I know God has purpose why it all happened.