Probably I don't have to wait for August 26th to know. Probably, God has signs for me now to grasp. Probably, He didn't allow me to mourn over this coming of sign because He already talked to me last Tuesday. He has pulled me closer to my mother and with her voice over the phone comforting me and opening my heart with the possibility of losing the child is far more than enough I could ask for.
I appreciate my mother some more now despite all the heartaches my early marriage has caused her. I never had that nerve to talk to my parents regarding what happened eight years ago but what happened to me now is more than enough to feel how fortunate I am to have parents like them.
I wasn't born rich. I had a lot of school activities I missed due to "no-money!" remarks. I wanted to dance but chose not to join activities because of that familiar quote. I wanted to join extemporaneous speech, debate, both modern and folk dance but my confidence faltered due to my parents fave line as I've mentioned.
Glad as I was when I was sent to college and I knew God provided then. With 5 peso coins in my mother's purse, we traveled to Iloilo to pursue my college education. I was thrilled. A Whole new experience away from home. Allowance every week. Dormitory. City life during free days. Liberty to ask extravagantly with my parents "no-money" remarks, that time only a soft whisper and vanished through thin air. I didn't mind them digging their debts deeper. A whole lot experience indeed.
My parents didn't speak of paying them back after I graduated. Scarcely two years after, I got pregnant. All the hopes of my parents vanished. My mother didn't speak for three days, crying and asking my close friend Dulce, what had happened?
But never did I hear them swearing or talking something about me or Jay. Or better yet to hear things from my relatives and friends quoting my parents. There was nothing but acceptance and vaguely I understand their love.
We came to visit once, twice..I felt their emptiness everytime we left them.
I always see tears from my mother's eyes if t'was time to say goodbye.
I'd rather be infront of the computer or read books rather than talk to her on the phone.
Last Tuesday, when my OB told me that my pregnancy might not fully develop and eventually sooner or later will not progress. I cried hard. Jay was there to comfort me but I need to talk to someone else to get some more comfort I need. I have chosen friends each one with circumstance. My sisters. But I ended up scrolling down my mother's number instead. She was anxious hearing my hoarse voice. I was sobbing and can not speak properly. She was alarmed. I tried to control myself and told her my anxiety. My fears. My frustrations and disappointments. I knew from the tone of her voice that she was just trying to calm her voice down. Comforting me. Telling me it's God's plan. That I don't have to be stubborn with God's signs. That probably, it's not yet the proper time for another baby. That God's plan is more beautiful than I have expected already. She was scolding. She apologized that she might offend me. But nothing was more comforting than feeling her love. The love I thought I'll never get from her when I was younger because she didn't give me material things to enjoy when I was in my elementary-high school years..
Now I know, a mother's love is not measured through material things. Not even how she attends your school activities but rather how she accepts you for being you.
This is another 2008. I lost another child again. Meekie cried and cried hard. We already prepared her for this but when she saw me bleeding she was devastated. She really wanted to have a sibling, not a cousin, not a pet. Her flesh. Her blood.
But God's comfort is more than overwhelming through a mother's comforting words. Again, my mother comforted me and dragging me to see the silver lining of the nimbus clouds and me as a mother comforting my daughter that it's not yet the end of time. That there's a greater opportunity for us to look into.
Painful but Jesus himself suffered wounds and bruises and shed blood but never complained, who am I to do so?
I'm only human with a mother's heart crying for another angel I haven't touched and kissed, yet returned to our Creator.
Probably, it's not for us yet.
Probably, there's something He plans for us and preparing us some more.
Probably, He's just testing our faith.
Probably, He was letting me know that in every devastation He will always be there a shoulder to cry on. And a lap to sit upon. He can't be with me personally, but He has showed himself to me through my mother's love.
I'm a mother now. I lost two already, but I have one growing up so fast and becoming very smart.
Probably, there's what I was looking for after all.
That I have to be a mother far more than my mother has been..
Probably...
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