The Road to Take

I have written it once, twice, I'm not so sure but yeah what I am sure of is rehashing my childhood. Where this writing prowess came from.

I was a storyteller. Probably because I was a dreamer. 

I remember a friend told me when we were in Barcelona, Spain, why most of the artists came from Europe like the great Gaudi. The whole of Barcelona speaks of his works. Masterpieces. Probably, a simple caricature which led him to create the whole mural. Take also into consideration those musicians who happened to be so talented they shared their gifts to the whole world. I believe if they tried bottling those innate ability, they will be strangled or choked. They were called to perform. To be positive vibes to the world. They are geniuses. They had restless mind despite boredom and confinement.

I came from a small town. Books were luxury. Reading was a hobby not everybody chose to enjoy. 

I was inquisitive by nature. When I was 5, I was curious to discern how any conversation started? I would usually tail my mother everytime she would go to her duty at the Health Center or went with her when she met someone or randomly approached somebody. I did ask the question to some, aunt, uncle, sister but got a crazy look like telling me: Duh! 

I didn't know how research works. Wasn't even aware that inquisition was already part of it. And then I found the answer. 

It all started with a question. 

Yes! 

It was and it is still.

I was happy to note and got that stored in my subconscious. 

Humbly, we had improvised play house. Pulling out blankets and towels from the closet, hiding from our parents' scrutiny and at the narrow passage between our house and uncle's, we run a show. Storytelling with my one and only audience, a 4 year old cousin. 

And the love for books came in. I didn't have money to buy books. I borrowed and read aloud. I was 7. I thought I was good. I could read books but got a weird look. Like, it was already expected. I was sent to school and I should learn. I was not special.

I traced the line of knowledge. I wanted to explore some more but I didn't have references. Until such time I have no way but to excel and I also thought that was natural. That was me. That was all. 

From Kindergarten I was delivering what was expected of me but awards didn't show any recognition. Then came the grade school parade. There were a lot of us who reasoned out. Who displayed wit and candor. I rode the competition. I tried to excel but a lot of them were knowledgeable beyond the capacity of my stored intelligence. They had books perhaps. They had support from home. They were pushed to do their best. 

Despite stiff competition and favoritism, I excelled. From almost 500 students, I belong to the top 20 in my batch. That was something but yeah, that was something. 

Esteem blossomed from home. Confidence is home made. Should be. But I guess, the mere fact that my parents believed in education was one thing that fuelled me to pay them back. In any way I could. 

I started writing when I was 12. After all those stories I had rolled down in compelling fictitious accounts then I played with words. 

I continued reading. Wrote down those words I couldn't decipher. Merriam Webster was my best buddy. And no ambiguous words could hide their true colors then. 

Then I wrote again and again. I had taglish dictionary. I orchestrated words. Put them into phrases then sentences until words created paragraphs. So on and on. 

I had several stories written every summer. The grammars were in circus and yet I was able to pull and finish the whole of it.  Few of my classmates knew of it. But most often than not 'twas hidden. 

I was afraid of ridicule. Of pointing out those mistakes. Of rejection. 

I had classmates who really were wordsmith. Or so I believed they were. They played with words expertly, and yes I looked down at myself and that was so apparent when I entered a big university for college.

Most of them wanted to excel. Flaunted their expertise. Laughed at some grammar error. It was a rat race. Everybody wanted to be distinguished superior from everybody. 

And then, I shrunk. I didn't see the point of showcasing that talent I thought was already honed. 

It wasn't.

The skill was raw.  I knew from my heart it had to be enhanced. I was in school for learning not for competition but what it seemed and what I had put myself into, I struggled and I failed to prove to myself I was a winner. Confidence faltered. My self-esteem wobbled and I channeled my mind through other things, idle and immature. 

I played with words. I had my own idioms. I earned laughs from the display of it. I thought I was irregular. Not cut to perform the tapestry of words. I was afraid to scribbled notes to people's gawking. I thought people would mind. I never realized those criticisms were mere insults, discouragements and rejections. I stopped. I made that talent a history. 

I saw some people's notes. Words. High-fallutin words. I was so impressed, I buried my ambition some more. Deep down. 

I focused to reading. 

I was so choosy and ambitious. 

I tried reading literary works. Pulitzer winners. 

I read papers, big publications to tabloid. 

I wanted to enhance my vocabulary. 

I collected thesaurus dictionary. 

I wrote again. 

Again.

Again.

Until somebody took notice. 

Yet, My works did not escape aggressive retorts and destructive criticisms. There was even someone who thought those were not my works. That they were just my ideas but somebody edited or worse did the work for me. 

Did it discourage me again? No! 

I learned that people would never accept the fact that I was advancing. That I was sharpening my saw. That I was better from the good start I had. 

I wote some more. The cliché practice makes perfect will never be put into words if there was no basis. And yes! Practice leads to perfection. I'm heading to that effect. 

Those idioms I once had. Those words I thought were full of absurdity were in their full usefulness now. 

I weaved everything to create a vivid effect.

From those bitter sweet experiences, I honed my skills notch higher everyday. 

Presently, I see the ambition in my 12-year old offspring. She writes and writes and showcases that prowess to excel in her craft. 

For her there is no competition, only her and her raw skills. 

Everybody can write but only a few can be wordsmiths. 

I want to be one. 

If not, I want to give all resources to create one in the persona of my daughter. 

My protégé.

Ambitious?

Yes! 

No one can ever cast death to that desire. 

I will be the buttress of her ambition. 

A bullet proof for assassination.

I guess with all the necessary support and constructive criticisms, she will go places and beyond boundaries.

She's 12, the age where this all started. 

An epoch to an ordinary existence. 

WASABI

Nakikita mo ba ang salamin? Kahit one way mirror yan nandun ka pa rin. Ang mga nasasabi mo patungkol sa ibang tao ay kung ano ka. Kung ano ang tingin mo ay dapat na ginagawa mo o ang gusto mo na hindi mo magawa at nakita mo sa ibang tao. Insekyuridad tawag dun. Berdeng lason. Kamandag. Ahas na lilingkis sa kaugat-ugatan mo kung hindi ka marunong imaniubra sa utak mo at ilabas na waring ihi o isinga mo nalang. 

Karamihan sa atin ay mahilig manghusga, magsalita ng masama sa kapwa o kaya gumawa ng kwento para makakuha ng simpatya o kaukulang atensyon. Marami naman ang madaling mahila at madala na kalaunan ay nagsasalita na rin ng iisang lengguwahe o sumasayaw sa tugtuging pinaandar ng may kati sa dila. Nakakasira ito ng sociudad. Ng samahan. Ng pamilya. Ng pagiging magkakaibigan. 

Tsismis. Isang dialektong gamit na gamit simula palang ng panahon ni Abraham na kalaunan sa panahon ng Apple at Android ay nanatiling paborito ng mga taong walang kakayahang gumawa ng spaceship. Hindi lang ito nangyayari sa bukid kung saan magkakasunod-sunod sa hagdang nagsisiksik sa ulo ng nasa ibaba, nakaipit sa kanilang mga hita at naghahanap ng kuto at lisa. 

Hindi lang sa pila ng mga balde at mag-igib ng tubig. 

Hindi lang sa eskwelahan ng mga nakaabang sa uwian ng mga bata. 

Hindi lang sa palengke, sa mga naghihintay ng pumakyaw ng paninda. 

Nangyayari ito sa lungsod.

Sa mga nakasuot ng mataas na takong, maayos na damit at naka-nameplate. 

Oo tama ka, ang tsismis ay nasa ating mga kwelyo. Hangga't hindi mo mapapansin ay mananatiling nakadikit sa iyo. Mantsa. Tag. Stigma. 

Karaniwan sa madalas, ito ay sakit na hindi natin alam na dumapo sa atin. At kung hindi mo mapapansin kaagad magiging lason ito na unti-unting papatay ng buong syudad. Oo! Hindi lang brownout, blackout ito! Malawakan! Parang ang pagkalusaw lang ng Atlantis at pagkatanggal sa mapa na hindi na rin inabutan ni Google Map.  

Unang sintomas, insekyuridad. Ito ang nagiging umpisa ng lahat. Makati. Mamumula. At kelangang ilabas ng dila. Nakakaalarma sapagkat nakakahawa. Waring airborne, droplets lang. Kapag malakas ang dating, hindi ito kakayanin ng may sintomas kagyat kanya itong sisiraan simula ulo hanggang paa. 

Lason. 

Sa katotohanan, kapag ikaw ang medyo nagbabalanse palang ng iyong tiwala sa sarili at marahil hindi pa solido, hindi mo kakayanin ang mga malalakas ang dating. Karaniwan, hihintayin mo silang tumalikod at ikaw ay unti-unting lalapit, hawak ang bread knife na may kalawang sa dulo at ibabaon mo ito sa likod ng walang kamalay-malay na tao. Nakakalungkot. Tetanus!

Pangalawa, panliliit. 

Pangatlo, panginginig.

Pang-apat, mag-uumpisa ang pamemerde ng iyong balat. 

Panglima, magiging berde na rin ang iyong mata, tutubuan ka ng apat na karagdagang paa. 

Green monster. Iyon ang tawag sa ingles. 

Ito ang salot sa lipunan. Kung hahayaan mo itong mamuhay sa iyo, ang tawag dito ay ego. Kilala mo sya di ba? Kilang-kilala.

Lahat ng kwestyon, irap at tawa ng ibang tao aakalain mong ikaw yun at ang pinakapanlaban mo ay tsismis. Hindi mo kayang makipagsabayan sa usaping spaceship, chemistry at mathematics, pag-uusapan mo ay tao. 

Naisip mo bang pabuksan ang ulo mo? Pumasok ba sa isip mo kung gaano kalaki ang utak mo? O ang ganoong pag-iisip hindi rin kakayanin ng kukote mo? 

Kung ang we must, we must, we must increase our bust ay para pampalaki ng dibdib, try mo kayang humarap sa salamin at tingnan mo ang buong mundo, kabilang ka dun! 

Lahat ng lumalabas sa bibig mo patungkol sa ibang tao, ikaw yun! 

Lahat ng ayaw mo sa isang tao, hindi sila yun, ikaw yun! 

Kumuha ka ng straw, yung kulay pula kasi valentine's na, ang isang dulo ilagay mo sa ilong mo habang ang isang dulo sa bibig mo. 

Ihip ka. 

Baka mapalaki mo pa utak mo. 

May chance pa habang hindi pa nagugunaw ang mundo. 

Drama in Real Life

You have been part of the orchestrated plan. 

You played your part so well and even cried the pain deeply under the cover of your bed. You laughed at the most corny jokes and the touches made you tingled all over. 

That kisses on the forehead, which you have been so long dreamt to be done to you. 

The smelling of your hair. 

The way the fingers comb your hair and small kisses on your temple. 

Sleeping holding hands with your fingers interlocking each of his. 

Waking up mornings with a smile and big hugs. 

Pages of fictions are crumpled and there are chosen pages which have bookmarked, probably those lines where you have related to. 

Prior, you had lived in a world of what you believed was composed of fate or destiny or kermit. You caged yourself in the status where you thought was divine intervened. 

You tried gracing the world according to the norm that was dictated by the society you belonged. Despite all the tears and longingness, you had that strong belief that you were just acting your best part.  You perceived your life as something fatally fated and there was no turning back. Despite all the bruises, dilemmas and struggles, you instilled in your mind that the pit you were once into was your whole life. That you had to abide with the doctrines and you had to act the pledged you had once. 

Others will not believe the sufferings you had gone through. People will always say what they want according to the perspective they stubbornly wanted to see. They will never look at your view because they deliberately angled their sight slightly differ from yours. They would never fit in your shoes because they too are living the normal way of what they are being dictated to. They will never believe that love never existed but the sole reason of staying was you tried hard to fall but there were closed windows and doors.

You swallowed up everything. There was a banquet which you were not free to choose but to grab everything and just burp the nasty taste and snatch out again. Character, cultures, pride, doctrines and traditions. And yes you were even blind-folded. Noone dictated. You had your own free will. Yes to everything! Just making sure you had pleased everybody. But the mere fact that you already unleashed yourself from the surreal world, are you going to tie yourself again. 

Like.. Again? 

It was a multi-faceted drama in real life. Friends had seen you struggle getting out of the tight close-knitted tapestry. But how you took steps away was the beginning of your solo performance. It was all beam balancing and you fell, several times and spectators were there to rejoice every downfall you had.

You dealt with several tachycardia attacks before you finally found the hands who pulled you through the hole. 

It was a life worth living because it comprised and contributed fragments of the whole new you. 

You equipped yourself with the gears you thought you would never need and you found a prince for your Cinderella self.  You weaved a lie amidst the truth. And the utmost happiness you feel is all you have held on to. But checking the bitter sweet reality, you are screwing up everything. 

Again, it was a whole orchestrated life.

Are you trying to relive a history? 

Stop.

U-turn.

Never look back. 

Jump out of the train for you are stepping on the same shit! 

That is how movies should be. 

Real.

Not always a happy ending.

First Day of 2014

2013 said goodbye already but the memories stay on, it's up to you how to deal with it whenever they come rushing to your door called consciousness.

Scent, scene, music.. They all create that sudden hold up and you just stare blankly as if you were transported back in time. De javu you say but it's not. Those are memories stored in your subconscious already and being released gradually. There are also night you think you have sequelled dreams but it is more of subconscious on the move.

Our subconscious is the memory keeper of our brain. Too powerful once you unleash the true power and you know how to deal with it. All you say, think and write are all stored in your subconscious. And yes, dreams can be the product of too much thinking or better yet, day dreaming. Though there are aplenty of explanations why dreams occur. 

The year that was. All those happenings will be left in closed book unless you keep on flipping the pages of the past. Whatever had happened to you good or bad, remember to be open to change this year. 

There are 365 days in one year, will you allow even a single day to be stolen because you will be held captive of your what-ifs? Let go! Do not regret anything that you have done because at some point that same regret you have now had been your source of smile back then. We are not a product of circumstance but our own decisions. We step to the right or left is pushed by our choices. We maneuver our lives. The time you realized what wrong have you done, try analyzing in depth and avoid commiting the same mistake because the second you did it again, it's already stupidity. 

Advice is often we give freely but we can not freely accept once the situation strikes back at us. But learn to step back and watch your life like a movie not just seeing others on a one way mirror. 

Most often than not, once there's an unsolicited advice, we tend to let go, become defensive and elated. But check your age, status and where are you already, look back, would you allow yourself to be hung again. Also, check on your support system. Are they holding on or letting you also go because what you're doing is plain childishness? 

Strike a pose. Sit down. Think.

Life is how you make it. It is composed of your choices. 

2013 is gone. 

2014 is here. 

Revise.

Renew friendship with friends who never judged your character and who are there despite the darkness you felt.

Revisit your inner self.

Contemplate.

If relationship is worth saving, time to reconsider but it is also time to eliminate all those who make you feel like junk.

Memories will linger.

It's up to you what to entertain and which ones to block. 

Meditate.

Soon, you will get used to what memories you will allow your subconscious to uncork and absorb and those to be unleased and dismissed. 

My Story to Tell

I had caged myself for so long hoping against hope everything would be as sweet as romantic films. Then reality dawned on me, I couldn't change anybody. 

I left not because of some whim or I just wanted to have my freedom back. I left because I deserve the life away from misery. 

People talked and they are continue talking. Nobody knows the whole truth, not even those people I have shared some of those sufferings. I tried secluding my kid from what I have gone through in my current location now. 

I am happy and never happier when I escaped from the comfort of my 10 year dwelling.

I made decisions, major decisions and I do not dwell on regrets anymore. My predicament taught me that I can not simply rely on anybody. Friends, indeed, come and go and if you can not offer them comfort, they would leave. I opened up my self to new friends, new life and the confidence that I will be standing up with a victorious smile next.  

2013 has been good for me despite all the challenges, I received plenty of blessings and I gained a lot of new friends.  My first few months were not so good to talk about but just the same I want to spill the bean as not to bringthis to 2014. 

We started off from scratch. No fork. No pillows. No blankets. What we had were our clothes from Manila we had freighted. I had money in my wallet from lending and from my relatives. One humbling experience. I didn't mind starting off despite I had two other mouths to feed, my kid and my yaya. 

We got a place. A nice place but when money started depleting and we had limited supply of food, I decided to bring my kid and yaya to my mom's place. I didn't think. I let go. (This is the first time I cried when I recall everything)

When we escaped from Manila, fear was eating me but Red, a very good friend told me that I shouldn't let a single tear fall. I have to show my kid that she made the right decision of choosing me because I was strong. But then again, somewhere in the domestic airport, I collapsed and good thing, Red was at the other line. I never had the chance but 'thank you'. 

I have plenty of friends. A lot of them but when I was on the process of crossing the bridge, I realized, that was my battle. My own.  Few remained but mostly gone.

I lived alone for quite sometime. When I reached home, there was no one to meet me at the door or pat my back or give me a smile. I ate alone. I slept naked. I savored the independence. But the truth, I  travelled in a very shaky ground. I appeared strong because I have to. I lost weight not because of choice but because I have to tighten my belt. When I noticed I was heading to anorexia, it became my choice to continue with losing weight instead, mixed with exercises as to appear toned and healthy. Now, I'm only 113 lbs and a vegan, by choice. 

I met a lot of people who appeared heaven sent and helpful but some of them contributed to my miseries. But I have a few who I decided to maintain a spot in my life. 

I continued my journey until I started fitting in. I anchored somewhere. And I know I have a very good kick off.

Happiness is a state of emotion and it will always be a decision. I intend to stay happy, regardless. 

My life is not easy but I continue with my journey. 

I already declared that 2014 is a very good year for me. I already had 2011, 2012 and 2013 as the big bad 3s. I won't allow another year of misfortune. 

Presently, I am happy. It's not all smiles but with those pains there are equal moments to cherish. 

I have to tell my story. 

This is just a glimpse of it. 

Be with me as I leave the past behind, totally.

Happy Soul. Happy Heart.

Betrayal will always cut us open and leave us in fragments.

That's why I never called anybody my best friend eversince I was a child. I didn't have any. There were some but I didn't want to call them my own. 

As a child, I was always afraid of rejection and I loathe betrayal, in any form. 

I lowered my defences recently, calling somebody the best among my friends. Behind my overthinking mind, I succumb to the fact of going after the bandwagon of pairsome and relationship. But now I am in limbo thinking I did the wrong move. 

I have friends from my elementary years, they knew how clumsy I was and my frustrations, my disappointments and young heartaches. They were those who have the glimpse of who I was, running lame and filthy. Those were hidden from my friends I have created bond in high school. Different from those friends in college. And far from those who I met along the way I consider colleagues. 

We are a multi-faceted personality. People may have an access to who we are but not the whole maybe. I believe, how you sell and project yourself are those personalities you want designated people to see. 

And mind you, that is known to be, a privilege not your right.

I have so many peaks and troughs in my life. I have chose people to come near my core. Other friends call me, an open soul. Once I felt a person's sincerity I didn't dwell on whatever motive s/he has. I always believe in conscience and karma and however they use the information they got from my naivete, I don't care. 

Respect begets respect. Kindness bears kindness. I grew up to be a pleaser and because I'm always sincere with how I deal with people,I don't see the point of being so judgmental. 

People attack other people based on perception. I always give chances, regardless what it brings. 

I just realized, there will always be barrier to people you want to call your best buddies. I have allowed some but probably I really have to segregate them according to colors. 

I have been to places where culture varies. Different smiles. Different eyes. Different outlooks. But commonly, I always wanted to belong. 

Above all, I started to create a hurdle and I called that respect. 

One square, move back. 

That's the respect you can give me.

You just don't know me at all because I myself is still looking for my purpose.

Fragment by fragment, I will be whole.

And from where I stumbled, I am standing up firmly and telling the world, bring it on! 

This time, I am using all the area of my brain not the softness of my heart anymore..

But then again, naturally, I am a happy soul. 

And pursuit of my utmost happiness is on top of my list.

Relationship in any form, once your eyes show me respect and sincerity, I have my left hand open but my right will be cognizant, this time..

Again and again, I say this, happiness is a state of mind and I am stuck in this moment that I am happy, regardless my heart bleeds because of cuts and bruises. 

My heart is same size of my fist maybe but my desire to be a good person is bigger than the entire system. 

I will be whole, in no time. 

SELF-ACTUALIZATION

Been meditating for a week now yet I have not perfected the total calmness and silence. I realized I have a multifaceted life. Kaleidoscope. Chasm. Good that I have pulled myself back together before I lost totally to the hollow of a dark pit.

Based on the teachings of how to meditate, you really have to free yourself of any qualms, anxiety and worries before you start your meditation. If you intend to meditate and focus on something like work, love, health etc, you have to reconcile with that thought before shutting down your senses to silence. You can not achieve total oneness to your being if you have your conscious mind still open with your closed eyes. Big no!

That's what I was saying, earlier. I did prepare for the meditation. I freed my mind of any aberration and yet, my awareness of the outside world swept me away from the abyss I was trying to walk through.

Shut the thought down. Focus on your breathing. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 and back again to 1. Count the inhale, exhale as one. Lock your eyeballs to something like a white circle, blue whatever. Your mind will always play trick on you. All geometric lines will visit your closed lids. That's why it is also advisable to have eye covers. If you can totally collapse everything to silence, purrrfect!

My first few meditations were guided. Mostly guided.

One most helpful is the sleep meditation where you will be set to slumber. Your consciouness will be closed to any distractions including noises except for the voice guiding you throughout the meditation. Use earpiece by the way. Submit yourself fully. Relax and let your subconcious take over.

Subconscious is the record keeper of our mind. Everything is stored in it including what is not spoken. All the thoughts, actions and feelings you have on your conscious state are stored on your subconscious and this guided sleep meditation interact with it.

At first and for beginners, we need to be piloted. Read. Research or watch videos regarding meditation. Perfecting oneness with your whole being will really take some time. Long time probably depends on how you put up with your purpose.

Be patient.

I have done this everyday since last week.

One short in the morning, 10 minutes.

Set your alarm.

Put music or find a quiet place or find a natural source of sound, water, morning breeze, birds chirping whatever is available. There are so many available meditation music and sounds on Youtube, explore it.

But do not start meditation with empty or full stomach. It might also cause some interference. Feel and fill your body's need before you begin.

I do another meditation in the evening, 2 hours after dinner. After my 30 minute exercise. I do 20 minute of silence. Breath in and out. Focus. Be aware of the complete element of your body.

It helps made me calm. I am more aware of my self now. I have to perfect total silence yet but this abeyance is already an achievement. Even monks have difficulty starting so I am not a failure.

Through meditation you will realize that you are special as everybody else. You will respect yourself more. And you will acknowledge you are not inferior to anybody. That beyond self image, you know who you are.

Gradually, you will be aware that the energy you have spent living in this world is not futile. You might think of some bad occurence and consequences but they are part of the whole process. That element has traveled the whole universe. You still have exuberant time to haul yourself back together and be the ace that you have yearned to be.

And when you discover that you have power within you, jump start and be fueled to start anew.

New life.

New you.

Living one day at a time.