The Price of Peace

I always know for a fact that everything starts in the mind. The way your day goes, begins in how your thoughts run upon waking up. Though probably sometimes, you woke up disoriented and you have to link your current to what happened the other night. Good thing? I say, yes!

When I was younger, I had aimed for a dreamless nights but how could I when all the fears of the past and worries of what to put on the table the next day kept me away from that state? And before the sleep wrestled me finally, there were those thoughts of to do list the next morning and I woke up feeling lethargic and didn't want to leave the bed even, because, it would be another torturous day to deal with. 

And then when I descended from the stairs, there magneted on the fridge's door were bills and disconnection notices. My helper was sitting on the dining area with a long face and opened her mouth to complain that the fridge was empty or the landlord passed by and reminded the house rental. Like everything were pouring out of the hanging imaginary pail above my head. 

Good thing, I had a car to keep me mobilized going to work and the next dilemma would be, parking payment or lunch but both are pathetic excuses, I had work and that was what mattered the most during that time of crises. 

And then I got to deal with peeople with the same stories or even worse. And I just looked up at the ceiling and mouthed thank you. Yeah I was grateful, it might be shitty but I was surviving.

Until I realized, my complains didn't help at all. And I changed gears.

One momentous day, I challenged myself not to mouth or even think of any complain for the next 24 hours of my life and I watched what could be the changes it would benefit me. 

Well, no miracle happened. No magic. No apparitions. Nothing.

Except..

It gave me peace of mind.

I didn't curse anyone. I allowed cars to cut me, that was 3 seconds of my 24 hours anyway. If someone was rude, I let it pass, a judgment appeared in my thought but I suppressed and denied to acknowledge it. The purpose was to remain pure even for one day. We may say, it was impossible, but no! It all started in the mind.

Until I opened myself to change. To shift in perception. To enter the realm of silence and welcomed solitude. 

Books were there to guide. Explaining what was happening. The surrender to what is and those words conveying so much meaning in them. 

And when I shared those insights to some people, they become alienated or I appeared weird to them.

I maneuvered towards a peaceful life. I had several bumps and I let it all pass and I may not have come out clean but I am in the process of getting the most out of it.

Everything starts in the mind. We may be prisoners of our past and we fear every change that appear because we are afraid of the unknown and we just want to live a monotonous life because that's what keeps us sane, familiarity. 

Another prison cell is putting too much worries infront of us, hindering us to enjoy what life brings in every moment and before we knew it, a whole 24 hours or 7 days had passed and our worries didn't solve anything. 

Now that I am in my late 30s, I know what I want but I just allow a little drag because I am sharing my life with someone. 

Change is something not to be feared of. Tomorrow is the day that never comes because when you wake up that's another day to live by. And the day you slept on was not existing anymore. 

Today. 

Now. 

And how you do what you do is all that matters. 

And above all, love.

If you love yourself, you will not allow any mediocrity to take over. When the moment comes that you have to face that adversity, seize the moment to do it right. If you cannot change it, accept the flaws and move on. 

Money is another matter. 

It seems it makes the world go round nowadays but money is just a number and number never ends, if it takes money to be happy then Bob Marley is right, your search for happiness will never end. 

I too was victim of this, at times, I still do, but it's all a matter of perspective. 

I do not live in any label or expectations, I live according to my own terms. Sleep dreamless and wake up like brand new, unless I allowed negativity to creep in and that's another story to tell. 

Peaceful living is not about detachment per se, it is being in harmony with everything and not putting labels to anything. Detachment is putting your heart to your present moment and how you do things. Living in your now, not in the past nor in the morrow. 

Peace. Oh priceless!

How Can I Not Love You That Much?

When loving you means pricking those tiny veins and just that, those short sparks ignite a fire in my nerves, in my whole being. Those unexplainable words I almost lost the grasp each passing moment. Like I just have to resort to diversion in order for me not to drown in the depth of how I feel towards you. That I always believed I am capable of loving one person this big but the truth blew me away, away to where fantasy becomes so real, I don't wanna return to the physical world.

How can I not love someone like you? How can I deny the whole anatomy of my heart to beat for you when you showed me how yours bleeds for me? When you finally succumbed to the fullness of your capacity to love and you are willing to surrender even the simpliest yes or no. Like, you showed me the epitome of love. Sacrifice. The oneness. The simply being in love.

How the world brought you to my life? What was that magnetic force that pulled you which you effortlessly danced with. Like, really? Probably, it was just time for rendezvous.

How can I say no to the invitation of forever?  To try the roller coaster ride of what real love is? To just keep holding the reins and never let go, even for a nanosecond?

How can I not love you then?

How can I defy the gravity that keeps on pulling me? With eyes so kind and almost in adoration of me, almost. You can tell me otherwise.

How?

When loving you now is like breathing fresh air and undertaking detox. My mornings are scented with dews of an awesome evening with smooches and neverending promises of orgasms and cuddles. How then can I say no to a man who swallows his pride whenever I lost touch of reality during my ovulation and monthly periods? How?

When love taught you how to read long prose even you are not into reading because I write. When love requires you to write in response to my long cryptic love letters albeit you didn't write previously. When you have to read articles and books because I speak of them frequently and you just wanted to equate my thinking and reasons.

How then can I just let you go when you have already mandated infinity for us? How can one man be so into me even those stuff I do were not your usuals which became your rituals to check and like and be the best person and #1 fanatic of my literary prowess and dreams?

How?

And how can I turn my back from the one man who accepted my whole even if I looked at myself broken at times?

I just don't believe you love me because I know you love me.

I know that kind of love.

I just know.

When I am still a work in progress and in my awakening stage tracking the path to enlightenment, yet I know, deep in my soul that I found my twin flame. How, then, can I not reciprocate your love?

My inner silly girl will be in awe of you because you didn't just say you love me, you showed me what true love is all about. You tell me now, how can I not love you that much?

Better You

You might have shared a chapter or two of your life to some people and they tend to bloat it up, like, they know everything about you. Some don't realize it that those facts they carry with them about you were already your past or their judgments. Some keep holding on to those characters they knew 3-5-10-15-20 years ago. They continue with their lives but their leashes are still tied tightly in the past. They live in nostalgia and continue to put blame on you for the faults you've done several years back. They will never understand the light in your eyes and they will continue gnawing on the idea that they know you too well. This is where their lives evolved in. And when they get the chance to talk about you, they will talk about your college life, your dormitory life, your early 20s life or your 3 years ago life. Sad that you have to close their chapters and chuckle, they don't know you anymore. 

As much as you want to rehash some stories about your past, it sounds absurd already because you are facing a beautiful now, not even better days ahead of you but now. 

You tend to live consciously with what's happening in the present rather than be locked up with your past life. It's not escaping what others think of reality because it's theirs not yours. It's their choice to stay in their holding moments and dance in the tune of Butter Cup. There are some people who get drunk with so much nostalgia and have their present moment slipped away. Yes, just like that.

You came to the point of no return but keep moving forward. Peter Pan never wanted to grow up because he didn't want complications of growing old but he neglected to understand, he has to grow up not just grow old. And there are a lot of us who live to count their ages and blow candles each adding year to the number they believed as counter to their prime years. Just keep the pace and smile in every turn you take and smell the flowers and enjoy the streak of sunlight on your hair. 

You have come a long way and those who keep on pulling you back to the path you had been are those who live within their comfort zone, whether it's painful or party like, it will always be their decision to bathe on those pleasures. You? Continue changing for the better you, not bound to any rule. As long as you do not step on anybody to make yourself appear taller, go on and rule your world! They who dare say you are a deviant are those who live within what is normal and are afraid of what others have to say about them. 

Who you are yesterday is already your past hence you don't have to conforme with the expectations of your college friends or childhood friends or call them acquaintances. If they cannot accept how you live your life now, it's not your problem anymore, continue challenging your everyday to be better until you attain that best version of who you are.

Love a Boy

Love a boy who never gets tired of looking at you and telling you how your mere presence makes him feel.

Love a boy who stows away the phone when you're together and let the time slip away.

Love a boy who writes love notes and is never ashamed to express how he feels.

Love a boy who sings you love song even if his voice cracks and he has his own lyrics.

Love a boy who refrains from looking at other girls when you're together.

Love a boy who holds your hands and never lets go even if he sees his friends or yours.

Love a boy who never allows you to pay for your meals, it's either he pays the whole or you pay separate bills.

Love a boy who knows what interests you and buys you gift even if there's no occassion.

Love a boy who calls and messages you whenever he can, busy is just in the dictionary and never his alibi.

Love a boy who says 'i love you' even if you argue.

Love a boy who respects his mother, aunt, grandmother, sisters and nieces. You are assured he respects women.

Love a boy who listens and looks you in the eyes.

Love a boy who tells you, you are beautiful even if you just woke up.

Love a boy who kisses your forehead and temple and smells your hair.

Love a boy who wants to look his best and checks his health.

Love a boy who opens the door for you and let you walk in first.

Love a boy who loves to see you laugh.

Love a boy who prays with you.

Love a boy who desires to grow with you spiritually.

That way, you'll know, you found a boy who knows what real love is.

Love in Nudity

Who would have thought that love would find me? I never was afraid to fall inlove but I longed for true love eversince. I had wrong turns but I knew every deadend had a crevice where I could creep in. I was not afraid of closed areas. I cringed with heights but I have always pushed myself a notch higher. What didn't kill me, made me stronger. 

I fell in love with romantic comedies. I appreciated flowers, butterflies and bees. I cried over friends who appeared so sincere and caring. I easily sympathized with persevering less fortunates. My heart was comprised of soft spots and it was broken so many times. Expectations always led to disappointments and then frustrations but my heart was always willing to try. To trust. To love again. Not necessarily romantically but I knew I always gave a portion of me whenever I gave my time to someone. To anybody. Unprejudiced. 

I believed in forever and I know, I've always known, I would get there.

Until my one day came. That day when finally my heart somersaulted and maintained its upside down state while jumping on one palm stand. Love is a choice. Happiness is innate. I was happy. I was complete but I choose to be happier. I fell hard. Love found me, at last! When I thought contentment was my nametag. 

It feels so good to belong to someone else. To lower down my defenses and to see how weak my edges are. How imperfect the whole of me. 

It's good to have someone leading me the familiar way, I looked at it in a different perspective. To hold my hand with intertwining fingers.  To accept my frailties and to let me know I am the perfect defect. To say those familiar words yet they seemed so foreign, they're enchanting. 

It's good to have someone who claim me as his own. I belong to noone but I don't mind the labeling now and I gave authority to this person to hold me captive in infinity. 

Love never promised of all milk and honey but love is always fair. 1 Cor 13: 4-13. The verses were all words before. They were all concepts. But if you truly discern the reality of the promises, all aspects are true. 

I can't say, I won't go through hurdles but I can choose stumbling blocks I will deal with. 

Love found me when I was already 35. Experienced enough to be fooled again. Wiser enough to be lured once more. But there was the sweet calling of the crossing wind. It was like a vocation I once felt when I was 18 which I assumed as walking the convent's shadowed cloister but worldly noise prevented me to. I tasted bitterness of the bottle and sniffed the clouds of lit cigars. The world offered so much distractions I innocently succumbed with open arms. Lessons. Plenty of those. I counted back the teachings I learned from every rise and fall. Those geared me to look love in the eyes, and I knew, it finally found me in nudity. 

It feels good to be babied. To cling on to someone even if some may call it, teenish. Love is ageless. 

It feels good to be spoon fed in restaurants or infront of some significant people. 

It feels good to be protected while crossing the street. Like Magneto is there to rise his hand and manipulate all metals that posted threats. 

It feels good to be asked if I want something even if I just looked at the window in oblivion. 

It feels good to be cared about even if I didn't ask anything.

It feels good to look at him in adoration and feel my heart jump for joy.

It feels good to lay my head on his chest and listen to the sound of his heartbeat.

It feels good to feel peace with the sound of his breaths. 

It feels good to feel his damp skin on mine.

It feels good to be loved. 

To be adored. 

To hear the I love yous like static on a broken radio frequency.

The promise of security gives me enough strength to live each day even two huge ocean separate us. 

And one thing I will be holding on, I wear the circlet precious metal with stones on my finger and the ties suspended in the compressed air.

My one day came when I said yes with all my cells singing in unison with tear drops and goosebumps.

I am sharing this story because now I know, love set me free.