I was a victim of bullying.
Have you ever experienced being humiliated by someone? Made fun in front of your classmates or friends? Or maybe, you hid inside a cubicle of the comfort room in fear of some people because they distress you or causes you an unexplainable discomfort? Or probably, you refused to go to school because you were threatened by someone to face his mother if you won't pay the amount you owe him which in truth he bought snacks for you in order to get your attention? Or... and the list is endless. Bottom line, there are different forms of bullying and we may think this only happens in school, well, think again. it happens everywhere and age is never a boundary.
On the streets. Catcalling is one form of harassment and it is bullying. Sometimes, men who are fond of doing catcalls, interpret their actions as something they are giving compliments, or appreciative of a woman's body. Maybe, some women would love that and take it as something like a stress-relief or they would feel desirable. But hell, no! Most men do that with one reason in mind, to get weak women's attention, or, expecting a springboard which will encourage them to fornicate or at least they could fantasize; Or, getting laid. But being one of those women who gets harassed with catcalling, I am blowing my whistle, that is bullying! I realized, most men to this with several reasons.
1) Catcallers cover up their mediocrity by inflating their egos especially if some friends are around
2) Usually from some constructions workers when they see women crossing the street
3) Those who are unemployed and deal with their nagging wives, they tend to make up wounded egos through bullying others especially women. Yes go back to item #1
In the community. We have neighbors that tend to spread malicious rumors about us. One wrong information and it spreads like wildfire with so much spices and garnish on top and the panderer washes her hands once the table is turned and there will be confrontations. Bad news, even if we settle the issue, people will keep talking because a lot are hungry of other people's miseries to cover up their own. Our slanderer neighbors are also a member of the bully organization they have not signed up for yet but they are honorary members. Some reason bullies in the community exist:
1) They live a miserable life and tend to hover over neighbors and be glad if you mirror their hellish life because that way, they will have scapegoats expecting to hide their own
2) You possess a life they want which they will never have, the worst they can do is to put stain on your name and hope others will not find you interesting and if people show desire to come near you, these bullies have prepared stories to tell with smeared and dents to your immaculacy
3) They will try to uncover your secrets inorder to hide their own, see #1
In our home. Some of bullies wear identical rings like ours. They are people we got married to. We promised to be with in sickness and in health, till death.. No! No! Some of these people have either Oedipus or Electra complex, they are those who prefer their parents over you as a partner or allow their parents to malign you at home. Who doesn't want to leave their home and build your own but rather to stay and breastfed by their moms. (Just Kidding!) But near to that effect. When you try convincing your partner, the parents will fabricate stories about you and before you know it, the neighbors knew already, churchmates prayed for you during one of their prayer meetings, colleagues of your in-laws have heard about it and when you get to meet them, they have that funny looks on their faces. And all those times, your partner kept mum about it or maybe, applauding your torment. And when you aired your emotions, he started his homily on a mid-week until your ears bled, your heart pounded with heartache and your feet were on fire you want to kick him straight to his face and yes! Yes! He even quote verses from the bible about marriage. Not all bullies love battery, some of them hide under the name of their religion but we cannot deny the fact that some men get their strength from turning skin tone to black and blue and they are the same bullies on the streets.
In the organization. Is this familiar? Yes! A lot of us may complain about the company we belong and the next question is, what keeps you there? Why the hell do you need to suffer? Or is it because the compensation is good, you cannot let go? Or you were made to believe, it is the best organization you've got? Or you think there is no life beyond this point? Or should I say, your superior tells you, you're no good? That no other company will accept you because you are not good enough? I will be taking a turn, do you have bosses who threatened you not to sign up your allowances if you don't give in to what he's asking from you, which is unethical? Or you need to deliver this much before he allows your leave? Or did he ever ask you why are you still in the organization when you are not hitting your target anymore? Like, how good you were before was not even in the history? Sad! Truth is, wherever we belong, we have varying perspective. We know our rights and we can always exercise legalities. If you think you are being debased, elevate your concern to individuals who only look after employees welfare. Few things why bullying in the organization exist:
1) Bullies are once bullied
2) Napoleon Bonaparte syndrome
3) Power gets to their pea brains
4) Fly landing on a carabao's horn assumes he's bigger than it's host
5) They never have their own voices in the organization because see #1
In the workplace. And this is where my story starts. When I thought that people are all good. That I looked at them as pure souls and fair individuals. I was new in my area of assignments. I didn't know anyone except those people who were in my company. I felt the animosity from others at first as I questioned why? I tried telling myself probably because I was new, but I ignored the thought since my goal was to get acquainted with my customers, not them who were like me, mere employees and who were at the rat-race. As days went by, the psychological need to belong and the theory of belongingness by Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary was tested and yes, I took off my shield and tried fitting the circle of those people who called themselves, seniors! And of course, as my ego had put it, I am a senior in my field. I have gained this and that and so I fit in! I belong! Or so I thought!
Yes at first! When those people were trying to test the water. Am I deep or someone who lacks depth? Am I an empty drum or someone who could highlight the size of their brain? I was successful of getting in. I got involved with their other profession, gossip monger. Like you have to sit there for hours waiting for the next client and out of nothing else to talk about, (most of them don't read) so they talk about exciting topic! TADAA!!! People! Worse, people we know. Worst, people who were just a floor away from us or those who were not around.
Have you felt a sense of relief when you are one of those people? Like it's so comfortable to speak the same language. You conformed with their standards. Like, you think your back is covered because you are part of the squad?
WROOOONG!
Something had gone amiss. It seems, sugar was poured in the mixture instead of salt. Oil to water. A pain in somebody's neck. Yes, I was doomed!
It was really a fire in the hole! It was a mess. Somebody spread a malicious story twisted and edited and yet this person believed the messenger. Worse, I was informed but I wasn't given airtime to tell my story. I was even insulted and offended. Worst, the story spread, just like what happened to community rumors, like wildfire. The messenger was secluded and was never mentioned after-which. The offended was on his defenses and embraced the role of the victim and delivered juicy scuttle-butts. The usual floor become silent when I passed by. And then people started avoiding me. I knew there were stories but I never heard one. I wanted to defend myself but I didn't know where to start. People looked at me in a funny way, with smirks on their faces. Some talked to me though but it was either short or just a second thought and they, too, checked their backs. Then, I knew, I never had friends, why? Because no one defended me in my absence.
Walls have ears and news have wings. People heard the stories. Someone was so concerned that she told me tales that were passed around. It was humiliating. I wanted to talk to some people but I saw them with gavels with them, they only lacked the gown and they would resemble judges parading with their spectacles and microscopes. Was I afraid? Yes! I never thought I would be able to survive that apocalypse. For those months I was at their scrutiny, they talked about the way I dress up, my figure, brands I used, my face, finances, my kid, my defunct friendship with people they don't even know, my previous life in Manila--which also they didn't hear about except for two lines from one chapter of my life story, how i dealt with relationships, and the list was long. The funny thing was, assistants in the area heard about the stories and who knows how they used that, those who didn't even know me, or talk to me, or who know me by name and that's it. There were even posts on social media, with customized settings, probably, to hide the posts from their clients who also happened to be mine, because, somehow that would show what kind of blabbermouth they are. Yes, the bully created an army, she had allies.
There was no rebuttal during the catastrophe. I didn't argue. Not even to clear my name. I feared going out and go to the location where I knew bullies flock together. They were mean people who talked so loud or laughed in unison just to let me know there were plenty of them. And yes, they have delivered their message across, I feared their numbers. I worked even on weekends just to cover up those times I missed to call a customer on weekdays. I even deviated my itinerary just to avoid the herd which seemed to follow through one another. I even memorized their car plate numbers just to stay away from them. My heartbeats weren't normal whenever I saw them and that person in particular. But all stories ends and ours did.
Yes there was forgiveness but how could one forget such a traumatizing event that consumed me for 6 months.
All aspects of my life suffered tremendously. My attention was called during a business review. I was doing my usual work but I wasn't doing the extra mile. Emotionally, professionally, financially, mentally.. Name it!
And then I thought everything was okay, but there were people who were not happy to how things turned out. How could they? They have contributed one or two story lines that made the whole novel. The stories were rehashed but the table was turned this time, The topics were the stories my bully had spread. There was even this story, one time one person wasn't around and my bully sent a lengthy personal message to this particular person's messenger, telling lies covered with lies and lies. And so, my ego was stirred, again. My bad! I should have avoided re-associating with anybody. Worse, I learned who the messenger was. Worst, she, she was a narcissist. A new height to psychology which is commonly portrayed by bullies.
That was the last part of their story in my life and then I let go. I became civil, even if, my knees still turns goo whenever I see them.
Why am I telling this? This is history. Why do I need to rehash the story altogether? One thing, bullying doesn't only take place in school or with students, this happens everywhere. I wasn't that strong, but circumstances made me the toughest person now. I even questioned my sanity before, why did I allow someone to bully me around? To give these people the power over me? I even asked God why does a blustering browbeating person exist?
How about if a victim didn't recover? How about if depression crept in? How about if necessary measures were made and there was a report on behavior? Or a civil case was filed? How can person face her son/daughter when her child asks her, what is bully? Who are gossip monger? Or what if your child asks you, "Can you earn income from backstabbing?"
I am not from that place, I lived in that location alone due to work assignment, my family was not with me and I got to see my daughter once a month, my significant other is far. Whereas, disparingly, my bully is from that place. She works in that location and she's a locale. Her family is with her, she gets to hold her child every chance she gets. Her significant other is with her. Why did she have to be so mean? Or is it because there are really those who are habitually cruel to others who they thought are weaker? Or.. you tell me.
My only weapon, I can write. And I am sharing my story because I feel obligated to impart this incident for five (5) reasons:
1) To let weakling know that bullies feel strong because they think they have allies
2) Avoid this kind of people because if you appear lame, you are the best person to feed their superiority
3) They disintegrate when they are ignored
4) If it's disturbing your peace, do not hesitate to take a detour and cut lines from happiness vampires
5) Buy books and bury yourself during idle time rather than get associated with this kind of people
I am still grateful for everything. For all the challenges because they were mere instruments to my circumstances and here are the lessons I learned from 3 years of living alone with bullies in my periphery.
1) What won't kill you, will make stronger.
2) Reputation is what people know about you and how you display your labels, character is who you are when nobody's watching
3) It's okey to walk alone, you don't have to please anybody
4) Always remember who you are and noone will tell you who you should be
5) Believe that God keeps challenging you to grow
6) This too shall pass
7) Keep moving forward
8) Always be grateful
9) It costs nothing to be a decent human being
10) Be kind
Wrapping up, do not allow bullies run your life. We cannot control what's happening around us but we are always responsible to how we react to stimuli. God provides the circumstances for us to grow and be enlightened but it is always up to us how we respond to every challenge.
I am not proud but I was a victim of bullying and I denied their power over me when I started loving myself more.
