FREEDOM

I never thought of how I spent my younger years and if I was contented back then.

I was never denied the fun of being a child. I climbed trees, fell, got bruises, cried, ran and the liberty of being so carefree and ignorant. My parents did not try restricting me my freedom though I needed to be home before 6:00 in the evening.  

I knew I was a storyteller when I was 9. I had this super patient and hungry friend to listen to my stories, different stories every day, describing the characters and the events in vivid pictures while sitting on the side walk near a storm drain. When we turned 11 she had to leave and left my stories nobody to share with. Having all those stories inside my head, I had to drip them down and writing was the best alternative. Then I started writing.

During school time, I tried to excel with my studies although due to limited resources I was just part of the achievers but never topped the ranks.

My primary and secondary education was spent as a shadow of my affluent friends. My father used to tell me to avoid those kids because I couldn’t keep up with their whims provided by their well-to-do parents.

My parents worked as meat vendors in a public market in Kalibo, Aklan though we owned the space it was not a profession that I can brag about. I kept it a point not to introduce my parents to my classmates and friends as vendors but entrepreneurs instead.

My friends, if not having a parent overseas, they have a father for a banker, a doctor or simply born rich. I never thought I was crossing the line my father has invisibly drawn. I never understood his contradictions of the friendship I had with these friends.

My mother spoke less with this situation and I could not argue more. Their words were as solid as steel. Then I thought, it was very unbecoming of them but I tried to understand as much as my young mind could discern.

I never experienced Girl Scout Camping and sleepovers. I never got the chance to go to the movies not unless I got to write a film review for the movie “Schindler’s List” and “Brave Heart” and the rest of the movies I went to were knotted with lies as excuses.

Modesty aside, I was the best in some of the subjects I had in high school. But since I was not used to rivalries and I didn’t give high regard to myself, I shied away from the competition but still ended with flying colors.

As much as I wanted to avoid extra curricular activities in school to spare my parents the expenses, I couldn’t.  Instead of buying camouflage for CAT, my sister borrowed me one from her friend. That was no expense at all. But when I had to attend JS prom, my mother dragged me to the cheap beauty salon and had my brows plucked and my plain face tainted by make up. Whew! I looked like I aged 5 years more but nonetheless; I was so giddy and thrilled!

I knew dance and ball from Sweet Dreams and Sweet Valley books and never attended one so the prom was very promising. Before this dance, I was even turned down by my 1^st cotillion partner and had me practiced alone without any word, good thing another boy caught me before my crystal self-esteem be shattered totally. Yet rejection was something I dreaded to feel again and that started my walls to crawl up.

I lived through high school with just 2 pairs of uniform, 2 pairs of socks and a smiling pair of shoes. I wanted to dance like dance sports and other group dance contest but since I knew most of the hard earned money goes to food I tried tapping to the beat instead and be a spectator rotten on the bleachers.

Instinctively, mothers know what’s best; I was not thinking where to go after high school. I thought I would just be enrolling to the same school.  When I went home one afternoon in the middle of the last high school year, my mother handed me a form. I stared at it for so long. Written in bold: UNIVERSITY OF THE PHILIPPINES COLLEGE ASSESSMENT TEST FORM. There was panic inside me, then! I was so stupefied and the loud voice inside me was shouting on top of my lungs: “Where are we going to get the money?” I was thinking of the travel expenses that we need. We needed to endure a long trip with minimal resources at hand. I got the liberty to choose the courses I wanted. But reality slapped me, I had to pass the UPCAT first.

Some of my classmates who were consistently punching the honor roll were with me. I was not so confident again although I had fun due to the excitement and adrenaline the exam brought. I felt so loved and the confidence my mother gave me was more than enough to make my heart swell and do best in the examination.

My teachers were not so enthusiastic to give me the news that I passed receiving no notice yet. Probably because, I was the least to be considered if they based their assumptions through perceptions. It was my name which really bounced wall to wall. Some of my classmates on the roster of honors were not so pleased. In my batch, only 2 of us passed and another was short listed.

It was so overwhelming. Then the never ending travel back and forth Aklan to Iloilo took place. I never believed, the money spared hidden somewhere was counted laid on the bed to finance my enrolment, dorm and tuition fees.

I was oriented to a new life. Diversified lives. People from different places. Different cultures. Varied languages. And the fear of dealing with some people who held their ranks in the society.

I met fellow students who at their young age knew that they really have places in this society. I was a spectator once again. I eyed these adolescents with awe. When I was in my cocoon, these people have already explored the world, partially if not wholly, should I say.

The real fun of life begun when I was in college. I lived in a dormitory with male and female in coexisting world. I was oriented to the student society of the state’s scholars. I gained friends; I never knew I was capable of keeping. They had pointed my weaknesses and helped me stood on my grounds. I started gaining my confidence which was dormant for so long. I spent my allowances to leisure my parents had no knowledge of. They had held their hands up with whatever path I tracked.

I graduated after 4 years. I tried hard to finish college with a double major degree within 4 years because I knew how my family slashed on their budget intended mostly for food.

I worked my way up. I stumbled. I stood up again to be knocked down when I was 22. Got married, impregnated and gave birth all on the same year, 2002. I knew that I had inflicted pain on my parents  silent hearts but they never questioned my decisions. They gave me that freedom to choose and believed I was using my wit on these.

My friends were frantic back then. Screaming at me over the phone if I haven’t heard of pills. Jeez!

I lived an ordinary life. Peaceful and away from the busy hum of the corporate world.

When my daughter turned a year and a half, a very good friend argued with me over going back to work. I didn’t understand why my friends were making a fuss of me being a plain housewife.  I was obligated to edit my resume and emailed to my friend. Hola! The next day I got a phone call and the next day I was seated across my interviewer. The next day, I got a call that I was qualified for the job and would be starting in the next couple of days. And the drum rolled. All in a week’s time.

After a year I was promoted to man 6 people and my career went on and on.

I was introduced to a whole vast of society. People who worked their ass out to step up the ladder of the corporate world. I was once again, a wood, drifting away. I met the expectations of my superiors although I wasn’t so keen to be consistent. I juggled with my maternal duties and my career.

I bravely stood on my grounds for some of my beliefs. Volatile yet I firmly stomped on solid surface.

I never thought I was so hungry to be patted on the back not unless I had graciously swept the highest citation for a sales representative in our company. I never imagined that a simple recognition would concretize my self-esteem.

Never did I lift my brows just to declare that I was a winner. I was not. Probably because, I still was not sure if I was really that good.

I kept journals with me but I was not so enthusiastic on writing my emotions and tabbed on my daily activities. During the hardest trial in my family last year, when my father was battling lung cancer, I started to blog. Everything. Breaking emotions. Random thoughts.

And I faced the reality that this is what I really want. This is what I really wanted after all these years. I started with a novel, again. After several years, modern this time, I am not scribbling using pens and notebooks but typing words in my laptop. Words. Period. Sentence to paragraph to chapters and to unfolding pages.

Now, I realized, I had an amazing childhood, because the scarcity of resources had led me to be contented with a little of everything. I aimed to excel and to live lavishly but trying to perfect and steady each step before preceding to another path. I feared rejection ever since and I do not have a stable self confidence that’s why I savor every victory that I gain. I post challenges everyday and recollect each day if I have met my own expectations. I weighed my options and carefully made choices.

Sometimes, there were challenges I really couldn’t avoid, but rather dwell on it and watch my self-esteem shattered, I move forward and protect myself with my own walls.

I never wanted to grab the limelight from others as long as they do not rain on my parade. I worked hard to reach the summit of my self-esteem, not on the peak but I am going there, eventually.

Telling you all these, I believe, at a very young age we really have to nurture that self-confidence in us. Circumstances should not hinder us in developing skills and honing our talents some more in order for us to face the challenges of the crazy world, bravely.

I have a handful of dreams yet I have identified these when I already had folded 32 years of my life. I allowed fate to drag me to the pit of the unknown. I lost a  lot of years staying on the margin of the society when I could have done a change on my own precious way. Rejection still bites but I will never move forward if I permit it to nail me some more.

Being young and free will really provide you the unfathomable joy and experience yet if you start to contribute something to the society at an early age, the world will really be a better place.

I read recently that we really have to give a high regard to ourselves in order for other people give us the high respect we deserve. Poverty and circumstances should not hinder us to move forward, fast. My parents were not very good on pushing me to reach my potentials but they have given me enough liberty to explore my inner self and the world on my own. I may deny it, but somehow, they had been a great force that led me to where I am now.

My father’s death has kept the door wide open for me to delve into the opportunities laid on my foot. I just have to make the right choices.

As always, my parents, unknowingly, had given me yet the same immaterial gift.

Freedom.