CURTAINS

Leaves withered 

On the drought land

Grass refused to grow some more

Pungent smell of fruits laden on the ground

Pavements mistless and no slime

The night called for a cold one

Promised to gnaw on her wrath

To throw enough spoil of her angst

The old sight never to happen again

The moon shadows the lifeless trees

Buildings abandoned

Properties left to oblivion

Lifeless

Futile

Then heard the guttural cry

One lost soul

One regretful mourning

When nothing was left

When no one to turn to anymore

Then came regrets

She came from a pit 

She knew well

Her comfort

Her life

Her everything

Yet, after death descends

She was left alone

To see the misery

The lost world

Because she hid herself

To the confinement of her world

When she realized she could walk

Could talk

Could run

Nothing was left

To share the world with her

Futile

Useless

Lifeless

Wasted. 

  

FRAGMENTS

Life is a matter of perspective

It's how you see yourself in 

A big loop of chaos

Your choice

You stay in the center

Be part of the whirl

Or be the peripheral

Onlooker

Lookout

Your mind would bend

Your heart would listen

But somewhere

Stuck in between 

There's that choice

To go along

Or stop

Or disappear.

-------

You stood

You laughed

You sang

And danced the tune

You conformed

With what is right

You acquiesced

The truth

You are bound

Yet again

You have your choice

Once

Once

Just the same

Decide

Be firm

Give yourself

A chance

To live

Happiness

Just like

How you want it

Not because it should be.

---

 If I am that

I could have

But I am not

So I won't

I have been

And look

What was?

What is?

What will be?

Void. 

NUANCES

Tweet, the bird says
It spreads its wings
But not strong enough
It tries to walk but feet
Feels like goo
It opens its beak some more
And tweet it sounds
Eyes dilate
Ears alert
Yet the bars
In its front
Spells the truth,
Caged.

-----

He didn't stare
He gawked
He smiled
He said lovely things
He never promised
He tested the water
Warm
He soaked his foot
Feet
Knees
Until totally
He was submerged
Yet when he looked up
He was alone.

-----
I am fine, said the ant.
Let's walk
Let's crawl
Let's see the sunlight
Let's feel the breeze
And the wind
Beneath our limp feet
Hold on
Is that water?
Hold me
Let's run
Don't let go
Hold still
Climb up
Hold tight
Oh my!
Don't
Don't
Why?
And the ant cried.

-----
If it's complicated
Think
Think
Think
And think
The brain works to its full maximum once it is pressured!
It has to free logic and reason or else heart will take over
And most often than not,
Disaster!

Random

I am but a butterfly
Flying lightly
Sipping nectar
Kissing the petals
Smelling the pistil
Dancing the wind
Beneath my fluttering wings.

I am a bee
Busy humming
Sniffing the scent
Of buds
And flowers
Of a very good morning.

I am a caterpillar
Crawling the green
Hugging the stem
Touching the dews
Sleeping in the hollow
Of the new blooms.

If only I am a bird
With the wings sturdy
As steel
I will soar up high
And be oblivious
Of my present predicament.

But no!
I am just a moth
Dreaming to be not
Wishing to be another
Oh there's the fire!
Would it hurt
If I will rest for awhile?

Bitten

I envy my childhood. 

Whenever I look outside the pouring rain, reality struck me that I have indeed a happy childhood. Deprived with some luxury maybe but I was contented back then until I savor all the glory of my sweats, hardships and the fruits of my labor. Not easy but it somehow elevated my life from the usual. 

My daughter mirrors the what-I-always-wanted. She might not have everything but she has something I didn't have before. But my laughter rang in my ears. Memories were so vivid and dancing under the full moonlight. No qualms. No heartaches. No stress. No anxiety. 

Growing up is not easy especially if you think life is unfair but if you live within the center and what should be, you will live by, but I did not.  I grabbed on the peripherals. I escaped the reality and tried  creating surreal world. Rusty cliche it may seem but suck it up! Reality ferociously bites! 

The more I wanted to live with comfort, the more the responsibilities leveled up. I hope it's not too late. I have to slash on everything. Give up something. Step backward. Start from square one and be realistic.

I hate being so cynical.

I want everything to be just simple.

Just like my laughter when I fell from the roof of the Health Center. My cry and guffaw and the salty taste of tears when I flipped backwards riding a swing soared upward.  My loud heartbeat when I had to hide my big bruises from being knocked down by a pig when I run at the same time the swine run and blocked my step with the rope. The way I cried when I was washing my scraped knee after catching my foot with the jump rope. The adrenaline rush of hiding from my mother when I was told to nap and after she succumbed to slumber, I sneaked out of the house. After everything, I was scolded, yet, everything was back to normal. 

Unlike now, my daughter does half of my adventures but after the series of whines and rants, reality slapped me, I have a mountain high of responsibilities, liabilities and duties.

So, this is how life rolls, huh? If only I knew, I should have stayed somewhere.  I should have chosen to be a butterfly instead but even metamorphosis takes series of changes. Cycle. 

Indeed, children are miracles. Childhood is something to be cherished and put into scrapbook. Soon enough, my mini-me will be doing the same. It's up to me how to change the cycle of her life. Sacrifice is well written in every palm but I could make something that would somehow smoothen the path of my kid as she grows up. 

It pains me knowing I can not be there forever to provide her a worry-proof world but I have to start the change now that will encourage her emulate whatever her parents have achieved.

As I look at her, hearing her soft breathing, how I envy her carefree childhood but all I can do is to keep her away from vicious individuals who can pollute her pure heart. She might know a thing or two her friends do not but she is still as young, careless and dependent as a 9 year old could be. 

How different our childhood together but just the same, I envy my childhood my daughter mirrors half of it. She is my reality check, my what-ifs, my could-be and my wannabe. 

Life may presently suck but whenever my child looks at me with adoring eyes, hugs so tight my jugular could snap, wet kisses like having water squirting my face but it will never be the same 10 years from now. 

For now, I will lock these memories inside me for eternity as long as my mind permits along with my happy childhood. 

Oh, I just miss my parents all the more especially when I want to dance with my father again.. 

A Mother's Fight

If only I could wrap my kid with bubbles.
If only I could take all the pains.
If only I could swallow all the challenges.
If only I could gather all dangers.
If only I could stash away all the worries.
If only I could create a paradise for her.
If only I could build a castle with servants.
If only I could garner all the awards for her.
If only I could shape up her confidence.
If only I could put her on the pedestal.
If only I could guard her from gossips.
If only I could push out all sickness.
If only there's no hunger.
There's no emptiness.
There's no tear.
There's no bruise.
There's no heartache.
There's no longing.
If only I could scribble her love story.
To provide her the brightest future.
If only life is fictitious.
I would write my daughter's life,
And dictate a happy ending.
If I could just summon the world to be fair.
I wish, I really could..
But age is not counting down.
Death is inevitable.
But I can just show her how much I love her
She is the reason of my breathing.
The most worthy fight.
But I also have to let her explore,
For her to learn
To stumble and rise.
Despite my fear,
I have to let her go,
To make her stronger,
To build her compassion,
To be empathic.
So that someday,
My if only,
Will be her own..
On her own.
Stronger.
Braver.
Bolder.
I also need to fathom
If I am doing it right.
I wish I will still be here someday,
To see my daughter,
Weave her own reality.
If only..

PEARLS

(Delayed posting--this was supposed to be posted on the below-mentioned date)


This is a story I always have in my heart.

Apart from my family who grabbed half a portion of my heart, these people have swept my feet with their sincerity and love.

I always have self-esteem issue.

I grew up thinking I was inferior and nobody liked me. I marginalized myself oftentimes and when I went to college, I was cloaked with uncertainties. I surrounded my heart with barrier no one could penetrate not until I was introduced to a world of diversified personalities and pure hearts.

We were all sixteen years old, one was younger by short breath and some few steps advanced yet we created our bubbles together. At first, I only allowed myself to be at the margin, an awkward stage when I was battling with confusion with the friendship offered. Friendship is no stranger to me, I have a few back in high school but this was the moment I could go on naked and show up my scars. I was never judged, I was never shown superiority although the inferiority issues came from me not from these people.

I never believed that a lot of people would learn to appreciate me. I thought only my family would successfully nestled in my heart (they had no choice anyway), but lo and behold, these individuals offered me a variation of affection.

I fought with my own demons, above all the culprit was my pea-sized self-esteem.

I waltzed with differing emotions and tried to welcome strangers to a place where there was no turning back.

I laughed. I got drank. I made stupid mistakes. I was heartbroken. The first time, I realized that growing up was not that bad.

19 diversified thoughts. 19 hearts. 19 souls. HB was born.

Regardless what others would call it. Whatever criticisms would be spilled out, my nerves will always have stings and will ooze out love for these people.

Today is a gloomy and wet Saturday, July 21,2012. 15 years ago, HB was conceptualized. No contracts, no rationale, no objective, no ulterior motives. Only, we had planted a single seed that sprouted and grew up into a tree that shaded the whole of the Earth. The love is bigger than anything else.

I am the strangest outcome of that simple concept. I struggled a lot. I forgot myself. I drifted away, yet,I am still here. Circuited back to the core of friendship.

I acquisce, I am the most emotional and vocal about these feelings because I owe this group a lot. I am in debt of these people how I have graced my own world. Cried with me. Encouraged me. Knocked me out some wits when I dumbly decided on things. Applauded my success.

Thank you is not enough but for now, that's the only word I can wrestle out of my emotionally stricken day. Thanks a lot HB! And cheers to a wonderful 15 years of friendship.