Stained Glass

When you believed all circumstances led you to some place unknown.

When you picked up all the shattered pieces and despite distorted state you were able to wear that shabby head high.

When there was that bitter taste of regret in the inside of your lips and yet you have contrived how to put that smile back on your chapped lips.

When all those people who tagged themselves as friends turned their backs on you because you were a misfit in their so called society.

When you walked alone on the other side and the throng of regular people tracked the opposite.

When you sang songs noone heard because they danced to their own loud music.

When your normal days were full of peculiarity to some who chased fame and money.

When you spoke silently yet they heard only noise.

When all seemed perfectly tilting but some held onto the invisible diagonal lines and hang on tightly expecting a free fall anytime.

Yes, you are unique.

You don't fit in.

Because they preferred to journey in multitude while you chose solitude even if it meant you are on your own bootstraps.

There is a great power in being alone.

You will feel the utmost affection for yourself and being sentient that the whole universe is within you.

And yes, yes, yes! There's a promise of abundance and greatness.

And always believe, you are a work in progress even if you are looking at a mere stained glass.

Ocean of Acquiescence

Way way back, I have accepted that I wasn't normal. That whenever I shared an idea or two with someone, he cringed or with a funny look on his face.

I have a concept of a true self even before but always derailed to a limited view synergized by some conflicted belief. And POW! Disappeared. I started on square one again.

At times, books could enlighten but it helps to have someone who mentors. Who is willing to share the idea of consciousness, now and true self. Not all, are prepared to thread this realm but everybody is lined up to each his own reality. In psychology, it is what we know, maturity. In spirituality, it is awakening. The shift in consciousness. The acceptance that there is the higher self. Your I and myself.

With every turn of our lives, have you ever asked yourself, where the turn is for? Is it really necessary? What is the significant of that event to your daily existence? Or, is this a major upheaval? A shift? A change?

I started my spiritual journey when I was 32. A friend introduced Deepak Chopra and I started following the great spiritual teacher on Youtube and Google. Since I am good with everything written, I browsed, researched and patiently collaborated with the slow internet connection just to get the concept of everything. I was mystified but it was not an easy journey. I was put on fire. I was in my brink of sanity. I planned to track a white line but was mixed with dotted black instead. And then the lines became crooked and relationships were put to test. Just like how the swordsmith makes a strong sword or a goldsmith turn a melted element into intricate designs. And yes, I was heading that path. Concrete, plain and safe but it wasn't easy at all.

Living consciously means letting go of the past. "This too shall pass." Make that as mantra and you will be easy with everything.

I know circumstances take us to new beginning or realization. I was indisposed for 4 days and I called in sick. It was actually almost a week including the weekend. I had temporal cellulities. My left face was swollen and I looked funny. I was looking at myself in the mirror and whispered, you are beautiful. And my inner turmoil disappeared. Yes, there's that inner child whose hunger for appreciation is unquenchable. The thirst is just tamed but ego keeps on triggering that void.

Few of the things that dawned on me during my two-facet reckoning days:

1) Beauty is only skin deep. Yes, I always post my face in social media because it took me a long while before I fully appreciated my physical aspect. Consciously. But everything is just temporary. I adhered to that. A small bump can change the whole physical form. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror at first until I accepted the fact that it was temporary. And everything shall pass. That we couldn't hold on to anything, not even how you look like.

2) Time. It is precious. Time is an element we really can not grip. So let's be grateful to those who offer us their time because they give us a portion of them which they can't take back. I have very few people who checked on me during the slight depression. Truly I appreciated. Very few. Rare. And just the same, the time I will give them is something I will lose forever.

3) Belief. I resorted to faith healer. Who wouldn't? I had temporal cellulitis. I had pimple in my left inner wall of nose and a small wound inside my right supra alar crease. Who was not doomed then? Like you were so vain the other day and you just woke up with a swollen left cheek and you could not pinch your nose or wash your face just like before because there was pain everywhere. And then the prayers. The touching of affected part. The holy water mixed with vinegar. The shield. And everything. I realized, faith healers exist because there are people who hold strong belief in them. But without faith, healing will never be granted.

4) Money. It does not make the world go round but surely it's a tool to make the world evolved. After the faithhealer I still succumbed to science and I was given high dose of antibiotics and if there would be no changes for 4 days, we would resort to IV antibiotics and that meant hospital confinement. I was prescribed with other paraphernalia to drain out the infection from the cellulitis. My pocket were half filled and thank God I had money to spare. It gave me confidence which I lacked a few days back.

5) Health. The very important of all. Opening your eyes upon waking up. Smelling that coffee aroma. The soft touch of the blanket's fabric. The glimpse of sunshine. The chirping of birds. We have a lot to be thankful for. The 5 senses are indicators we are alive. We breathe. We have life. I see cancer patients lining up to see their preferred physicians everyday and they showed me I have a good life. That I am blessed. That they have their own purpose. And I have mine.

6) Family. It is good to belong to people who truly cares. It doesn't have to be related by blood. All you have to do is care and that is love, unconditionally. That is the essence of family.

7) Love. The most binding force in the universe. That regardless how you look like, how your moods zoom up and down there will be people who would accept you and show you pride helps noone.

7 realizations for the 7 days of antibiotics combatting the bacteria I got somewhere. A circumstance that probably others would shrug off but for me who suffered, I know what it was meant for.

This too shall pass. And I came out clean. With a bald on my left temporal. It's bald as skin head but I am patiently waiting for the hair to grow back.

I just thank those people who never let me feel ugly. And my inner child is back to her hammock, thumbsucking.

That's Why.

That's why.

Just recently, I had a glimpse of what my early childhood looked like. I never had any idea before. I just had a few memories but I didn't know if it was a happy one or not. I started recording memories and that retained in my subconscious when I already started school. But was I a jolly toddler? Or was I exemplary? I didn't know until my mother told a story that when we were young, like prolly 2-3 years old and my elder sister was 2 years older than me, my parents with my sister and I played hide and seek. We were riotous. We laughed often. We were noisy. Those were just empassing moments. And then the spotlight lost its light. And my memories of a 5 year old ecstatic holding a container with an orange juice which happened to be my sister's. She came home from school crying. She didn't want school. She was 7 and on her 1st grade. That left me to be the happiest because I got to eat and drink her baon, and I had someone to play with. But what I did during those times of being alone, I have no idea.

I didn't know how I conceptualise rejection. My parents were fair those times until the 3rd sibling came. And then we had to share the whole bed. And I was territorial with my father, but  the 3rd was a boy, and there was that difference. Slight difference.

Then, the 4th came. She looked like a doll. Curly hair. Pointed nose. Her skin was fair. And she was soo adorable. Everybody was cooing her. Like she's the greatest thing on Earth. This could have started the rejection part. 

Until it was my time to go to school and I met bullies. The comparison commenced. The competition took place. From skin to hair, to school things, to parents' occupations and worst, to be announce as 5th honors and called as 8th during graduation. Those were contributing factors to my developing mind. My mind absorbed everything like sponge and it was not processed. My mother complained but never fought til the end. I was in the receiving end thinking I was a mediocre. 

My grade school was never better although I excelled yet it was not enough. I studied on my own. My voice was small. I knew I was good or even better than some but the voices at home

didn't echo the tone. It remained as noise. I graduated with flying colors yet I didn't feel I met an expectation because there was nothing to prove in the first place. The competition built in my head. Our house was silent when it comes to achievements except that when we were growing up we were always compared to someone's daughter. And the competition lived on.

High school. When confidence started to elevate yet it was only on its 1st level and never had escalated. I was told not to mingle with rich kids. That I was not comparable to them. That we were  inferior. I believed I have the intelligence that could battle with anyone. I wasn't the genius type but I was aware from then on, I was special. I had not enhanced my dancing skills because I wasn't permitted to join any. I excelled but I knew I was not the best and it lived with me for so long.

When I was in college, I carried with me that label, I was not enough. That, I will never be adequate. My self-esteem was on prone position. From the time it dove nose first, it never had recovered. 

Then I graduated believing I'm good but I never had the outside voices echoing that belief. My confidence level was on its mid low and middle. No progression and it manifested on how I treated myself with relationships. 

I ended up with men who were also mediocres or if not, who put me in too much pressure i thought I deserved which I allowed. I got out after 10 years of grilling. And then put myself in another gruesome sacrifice. 

My soul was bandaged. Swollen. Damaged. And my spirit was in constant cry of liberty. I found myself. I never had a bestfriend but myself. Probably, if someone would see me talking to myself, I'll be damned and rehabilitated. 

For so long, I was in tug of war with my consciousness. I always knew what to do but I waited for circumstances to show up in my doorstep and knock me down.

I learned to pour love onto my own pail until it spilled out of the threshold and cloaked me with so much respect. So much love. And then, I was happier than ever. Until I met another man. 

He appeared, somehow, same level with the previous predicaments. I waited what the chances would display. And he got my interest. I gained full gear of confidence for this one. I never expected, I'll fall hard, I'll trust this much and my deeply embedded longing to belong to a strong arms was awakened. I let go. I gave another chance for my heart. Maybe, maybe, this is my last trip to reach true love. 

This one is so full of possible impossibilities. The distance is so apparent it shears my soul yet I wanted to succumb to dreamland of forever. I took chances and I had so many free rides. I wanted this to the point of obsession. I drew my all and laid down all my cards. Finally, I breathed to myself, I found someone who promises me of assurance and security. That this time I'm not alone. That someone will be there to have the same ride with me. That the horizon was all clear. That there really was sunshine after the rain.

That after so many rejections and broken heart, here I was, showered with so much love. I was so secured I never seen a bump coming. Then, I fell down. Scratch my knees. So, this is how it feels? The glimpse of heartaches. 

I may not be prepared for this but I am whole and I know, I would cry but I will always carry on. I'll wear my head up high even with tears in my eyes. 

Yes, probably, noone will ever understand me. Good thing, noone can ever hurt me that much without my permission, anymore. 

I was always familiar with rejections and this one is no gooder. Just like old stories.

I won't allow the roll call of pains.

That's why.

Steer the Wheel

I was always on the steering wheel. 

I maneuvered my life to however the circumstances presented itself. 

I was a driftwood. 

Thought of myself the least. 

Fell off the cliff on a g-force and free fall. 

Jerked off the reality that I could have clung on on something and fought against the current.

But honestly, I had not. 

I burst bubbles of those who were strangled and slapped the reality on high five but I never realized I was trying to find the key to my cage and not theirs. 

Unsolicited advice. 

Revolting emotions. 

And words gargling in my throat which were trying to escape because of the oppression I saw and I thought some of my friends were into. 

The cliché it takes one to know one marked the whiplash at my back. 

I was fighting because I was unhappy. 

I was living in the dimmest cell and I had been a lonely soul. 

I illuminated a blurry smile I thought was so bright it could disarm anyone. 

But.. But I was fooling myself back then. 

I was living in a dungeon. 

In a damp pit I pretended seeing a castle and secret garden. 

I could never trace the depression if my life is not on it's proper tilt now. 

I am living my world in present with all the freedom I desired to have for so long. 

Those past moments that crossed my mind and make me smile at times. 

Without failures, I will never succeed.

Without pains, I would never experience bliss.

Without heartaches, I would never find true love.

Without mediocres, I would not meet a fine man.

Without the past, I would never be here, Now. 

Indeed, I hold the steering wheel. 

I will maneuver my life to however I want it.

To wherever I want it. 

To whatever I put my heart to it.

Black Rose

When I thought everything was okey and I held the world in my hands. I wore my crown steadily and tracked a single line on a steady cat-walk. Finances were okey with the ups and downs but still I was able to manage. Sighed in the instance when something quite shaky and told myself to carry on. 

Those chapters I already flipped closed and thought of vaulting them up. Emerged from being broken and believed everything will be yes! Yes! Yes! Okey! 

I maneuvered my life alone even when I was with someone who I accepted even he was quite a burlap to carry on my back. I just thought marriage was the norm. The fate. Even love was a choice.

Or so I thought I chose to when I wasn't given options at all. 

Then I set myself free. Flew the mountains echoing the cry of my overjoyed heart. I paid up high stake for this freedom. I faced the wrath of those who battled the depression of doctrines and beliefs. I gambled too many but after calling it all in, I took all the stakes. I won! Despite all the rumors and the neverending assumptions, I am living the life I want. 

I just live as an ordinary. The roller coaster ride and the howling when pain stroke. The laughter bouncing the walls of empty room. The feel of the cold grounds to my barefoot sipped to my veins. And then there was a sudden knock to my locked-rustic heart who believes in fairy tales.

 

And then my world run in circles. Lulled by a comforting hum. Sway in a safe hammock of romance. Serenaded by words in unison with the whistle of crossing winds and the birds chirps completing the orchestra.

My days were spent in laughters and giggles. I am all those princesses and I have the happily ever after crafted on a branch of an old tree until the whiplash. The urgency to evacuate. To just be in haste. 

And the world's serenity was destroyed. The puzzle pieces were dismantled. And the confusion dawned. Where am I now? Crossroad. And I stopped. 

And I just want to pull back.

To go back to my safe ground.

To hide.

To live like a kermit.

To just be.

To create my own forever of ok.

My definition.

My perspective.

My world.

My own.

So shall I just say goodbye?

LIFE AND CHOICES

Life will never offer solution to the problem you put yourself into but surely it will provide circumstances that will assist you thread the path of your choice. You see bottomline of everything is a choice. Choices if you will put it. Diversified options laid infront of you. You pick the most comfortable with you because any discomfort will distort the equilibrium you have been so carefully dealt with all your life.  You felt you were so complete and yet you continued tracking those men or things you thought could make you whole. Worse, could make you happy. Worst, once they had left, you were on the floor, torn, shattered and writhing in pain. And after a week or a month, you cling on somebody's arm again. With that smile for posterity and an oozing happiness swelling from your blinding bright smiles.  

Wrongly, you associate happiness as connected to someone. Your need to belong fuels you to have a relationship, even one full of mediocrity. As long as you have someone you labeled as your own. Someone with key hole or someone with a coin slot. You played manipulation and once the brain of your partner started to run freely, you thought of malfunction. Then you junk him/her. But where does that leave you, broken. Regardless your position is, you're the one who left or you are the one being left behind, the effect is the same. There will be that gaping hole. That void. That longing to belong again. 

So you think you are so full of confidence that you can just have anyone in a snap of a finger? How could you find someone geniune if you tend to compromise your own ideals. 

You deserve all the beautiful things in the world including one beautiful mind that will look at you as someone so precious. Not a second rate. Not an option. 

Life offers you so much to gnaw on. To juggle. To simply point at those things which meet your needs. Not so-so. Not something you just shrug off if it doesn't fit. 

Slow down. Breathe. And look at your inner being. What do you really want? Where are you heading? What is it that makes you whole? Look within and find that inner peace. That flower of enlightenment blossoming from deep down inside you. Live consciously and in presence. Now. The most important part. Refrain from looking at the slit of yesterday or steal the light from tomorrow. Enjoy the now. Like there is no room for doubt but once the emotions fleet in, let it. With it's fluidity, it will just flow. Acknowledge but never hold the moment because everything passes through. 

And then walk the path of light. Like seeing for the first time what you are really composed of. 

Nothing can make you unhappy without your consent. Everyone and everything are mere add ons to your complete life. Don't hold too tight but be always grateful of what you have. 

Being you requires so much sacrifices and you might need to grip onto something or cry the frustrations. But yeah, you are just human but once the circumstances pull you back to misery, always go back to who you are. 

Life you think is never easy, but, it is. 

Your choices make it complicated. 

I AM

I have so many questions while tracking my route to where I am now.

I grew up with so much nuances inside my head which as I perceived it now it seems like voices in my mind. Skeptical. Rational. Logical. Critical. I even researched on multiple personality before and schitzoprenia. 

I always tell people from the writings I previously published that yes I wasn't born normal.

I can back track those inquiries I had growing up. 

I was a walking weird lame shy individual.

With all those experiences and soul damaging decisions I made, they were not coincidence, they were mere act of nature to lead me to where I am now. 

I even thought of having a psychiatrist explain to me everything but I ended up learning the process of awareness. Opening myself up to some unexplainable occurences and I met people who mentored and explained that what I was going through was not for everybody. 

Not everybody is open just yet for this kind of journey. Everybody is prepared for this, I guess but the transformation depends on how they accept this. 

I believe in soul. Everyone has soul. 

I believe in the law of attraction.

I believe in oneness. As individual one with the universe.

I watched the secret and it explained everything.

I believe that there is no coincidence but we are orchestrated to diverse, to meet, to cross each others' path. 

I believe that ego is not part of who we are.

I believe in the higher self. 

That there is a thinker inside of us. 

That our inner self is like the whole of the universe that's why we are part of the whole system.

I believe in frequency.

I believe in the power of now.

I believe that we can heal ourselves if only we know how to use that healing power we possess.

I believe in walking barefoot on the grass and that's where we reconnect to nature. 

I believe that we create our own peace.

I believe in kindness.

I believe that above all, love is the most powerful.

I thought I was an irregular individual with an overworking mind. Then I met people who speak the same. Who believed at some point they understand what I was saying.

I was a victim of ridicule. Gossip. Though I also enjoyed sharing with gossipmongers. I was bullied. I was intimidated. I was maligned. I was debased. And those I thought was who I also am. Was. And again was.

I ended my realtionship with my 10 year marriage. I entertained people who I thought were my equal. I accepted the treatment. Abused. Betrayal. Then I turned my back from people who I looked up. They even casted their stones at me in judgment. They were clean and immaculate and entitled to throw spites. 

I tracked my route.

Alone.

I learned to meditate.

To feel the silence.

I started looking after myself. 

I shed off excess body weight which one of those reasons that weighed me down. It wouldn't be called excess for no reason. 

I became a vegan straight for one year. I ate meat but only chicken and fish. Those who can't let go of their lifestyle couldn't take my way of life. They called me insecure. Obsessed with getting slim. It seared the pride I had but they didn't know the whole story why. 

I tamed the ego.

It didn't matter if it's on the floor lying still with so much blood as long as I know, it's not part of who I am. 

Ego feed on us giving us notion and belief it's who we are. 

Ego is not us. It is our false self. 

I reached my desired body weight. Underweight then and a friend told me to build my muscle. I did. I ate red meat and other protein sources yet I only could take some. My stomach already sunk and acknowledged food in minimum. 

Meditation was a struggle yet I had to do it everyday.

Breathing exercise is also a form of meditation.

I continued to walk the path laid down before me. I then tried fitting in the group of people who I pinpointed with strong personalities because I too thought I would fit in. Ego again.

Until another betrayal. 

Another gavel stroke.

Another judgment.

People didn't hear my story but they casted their stones again. 

They were those laundry dried. Cleared conscience. Strong opinionated individuals. Judges. 

And another era in my life where I learned to love myself even more. Enjoying the silence. The no need to please everyone. The honest talks with myself. 

I kept mum about my own narration. I guess I do not have to explain myself to those who would never understand. 

At first, it was so weird to walk alone. Again. But the crown didn't fall off my head. I have it, in peace, in whole piece. 

Above all probably, what I am most grateful for is going to bed and rising up with peace of mind. I can look at my reflection in the mirror and I can give the most genuine smile to a person I am. 

Karma had spoken to me. I had my share. My previous words and actions ricocheted. I suffered. I accepted. I moved on.

I am living now minding my own business. If I don't have better words to say, I will shut up. No need for defenses. 

I don't have to force my worth to anybody because for those who are true to me, explanation is not needed. 

I am working on my judgments. My thoughts are easily pricked and I can strike the scythe easily.  I'm working on it. I will be there next. 

I was built on a shaky ground. I was given enough choices and those options I picked, despite not the supposed alternative but it was on my palms nonetheless. I was cut to traverse that peak for me to slide down the valley to where peace resides.

I didn't regret failed relationship, they made me whole. They gave me enough visions of what really love is. 

In friendships, I have a few. Those souls who knew the pain I went through, the choices I made and the pit where I fell but they were there. Handed down the rope of support. Pulling me up some more. Laughed at my mistakes yet patted my back and supported me all the way. 

True friends are so rare and you will only recognize them if you believe in soul. You feel them through vibrations not tangible stature or wealth or display of authority.

True love, I understand now.

There is no shortcut. No direction. It will cross my path once it needs to be.

I was weird.

I am weird.

And I will always be. 

Because that's who I am.